Mutterings and Musings

Things that make me feel rich

2011-01-20T10:43:00.000-05:00

* My library cards and all of the pick-up-able and downloadable goodness they provide

* Crockpots! (Coming home to a hot meal? Yes, thank you!)

* The radio, including online radio stations (24/7 music at my fingertips)

* The Clarins lipstick that I bought three years ago (don't judge)

* Old Navy workout clothes (cheap, comfy, and functional)

* A trip to the ski resort on a random Tuesday night with my brother and husband (who was amazing on the bunny slope for his first time on a snowboard)

You?

Cold

2011-01-12T17:20:00.000-05:00

It is dark and cold outside. I had a horrible time dragging myself out of my warm, cozy nest this morning, and I don't want to leave work and venture out into the night to go home.

I may see if I can scrounge up the cash in our budget to buy a cheap light box. January and February are just dreadful every single year. I don't want to do anything but lie in bed or on the couch.

On the bright side, I'm listening to The Screwtape Letters on my commute, and it's brilliant.

Faith wrestling

2010-12-20T14:02:00.001-05:00

I need to preface this by saying that I have really good parents who sacrificed a lot for us kids and gave me a great start in life. I'm grateful for everything that they did for us. I don't blame them for the choices they made at all, and, actually, I think that most of their choices were pretty good ones. They are very sincere and well-meaning in everything that they do. From my perspective today, I can and do look back and wish that they had done some things differently, but I understand that they were doing their best to follow God's leading. What follows is not intended in any way to be disrespectful or disparaging of them.

My folks are very into end-times prophecy. For those not familiar with it, there are a lot of passages in the Bible that talk about the end of the world, when Jesus will come back to Earth. Most of these passages are in the books of Daniel or Revelation, and they consist almost entirely of imagery. Odd imagery; creatures with multiple heads, dragons, stuff like that. People have spent their entire careers deciphering what all of these passages mean. My folks filled our house with books, tapes, and magazines from one particular organization that is devoted to the study of this stuff.

Some of this material is pretty scary, especially if you're a Christian, and, say, 9 or 10 years old. I used to have nightmares about being beheaded or burnt alive for my faith because I read and heard about it so much. The thought of meeting Jesus in all His glory face-to-face scared me to death. My parents didn't understand very well when I tried to explain my fears to them; they thought that my freakouts meant that I wasn't "really saved." Gee, thanks. I wasn't scared of going to Hell; I knew that wasn't going to happen. I was scared in the way that you're terrified of getting up on a stage in front of thousands of people or something like that.

I absorbed a very scary, grumpy, vengeful view of God. I would hear that "God is love," but it never really made sense because He seemed to really dislike humanity. I never understood why He would go to the trouble and sacrifice of sending His Son for us if we were all so awful and He couldn't stand us. I didn't so much love God as I feared Him, but, according to most of the verses I heard and got to memorize, "the fear of the LORD" was the goal, anyway.

Attending a Nazarene college was an eye-opening experience. I wasn't sure that I was on board with every last bit of doctrine, but I had to admit that these people were kinder, happier, and more welcoming than most of the other Christians I'd met. When they said that God loved you, you believed it. It wasn't so much a difference of substance as it was of emphasis. It felt like a warm hug, sunlight, and a breath of clean air all in one. The the Wesleyan concept of prevenient grace changed my life.

So that's my back story. To this day, it's very difficult for me to read anything from the book of Revelation. I follow the daily reading schedule from the Book of Common Prayer, and one of this morning's passages was from Revelation. It was full of all sorts of stuff about martyrs, and my heart was racing by the time I had gritted my teeth through all 17 verses. For a few years, I actually refused to read anything from that book of the Bible, but now I make myself do it. It hasn't gotten any easier. I understand God more fully than I used to, and I can take on faith that all of these parts fit into the bigger whole somehow, but it still reminds me very vividly of the way I lived and believed for 18 years.

Today's Her.meneutics entry addresses some of the other ideas that swirled around in our house while I was growing up. Obviously, my family didn't subscribe hard-core to the "Stay-at-Home Daughters" movement. But my parents have told me several times that, according to the Bible, I should have lived in their house until I got married and that they should have been the ones to pick my husband for me. It's still hard for me to think about. When you've been told your whole life that you're not as wise as your parents, it's very difficult to go against their advice or instructions. You're always going to doubt yourself. Three different pastors (two of them Baptist!) told me that I didn't have to obey my parents once I reached adulthood, but I've never been able to completely shake the guilt-- even though I know that I did the right thing.

Now that I'm married, of course, there are very clear statements in the Bible that say that I am no longer under my dad's authority. Nobody can argue with that, no matter how literally they take Scripture. Now I get to figure out exactly what being a wife looks like, since Matt and I don't ascribe to the rigid model in the "Biblical Patriarchy" way of thinking.

Something else that I've been thinking about the last couple of days ties into this. We're still trying to settle on a church home. It turns out that a lot of the United Methodist churches in the area are led by women pastors, and my feelings about that are conflicted. I'm just uncomfortable with a woman in that leadership role. But then I remember that I have rejected the inflexible gender roles of the so-called "biblical patriarchy" movement, so how dare I say that a woman shouldn't be a senior pastor? I'm still sorting all of that out. I love it when women have leadership positions in the church, but I don't want them to have that particular leadership role. Inconsistent? Yes. Like I said, I'm still struggling with all of this.

It comes and goes. Today is one of those days when I just have to tune in to K-Love and remind myself that, even though I don't understand a lot of things, I do understand that God is gracious and forgiving and loves us madly. All we have to do is accept that. The rest is just details.

Oh hai

2010-12-10T10:00:00.000-05:00

Apparently my posting schedule is now once a month. I feel sort of bad about that, but then I realize that I'm just not wasting your time with a bunch of pointless nonsense, and then I feel better.

So what has happened since the beginning of November? Well, I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner. It went well. The turkey was gorgeous, and everything else turned out well, too. I can't take credit for everything, but I did make the green beans with almonds and the stuffing. The stuffing would have probably been fantastic if I hadn't had to use gluten-free bread to make it; as it was, I think it tasted okay, but it was difficult to get past the texture of corrugated cardboard. My brother-in-law's awesome wife and I drank a lot of spiced apple wine and put together the last-minute stuff, and Matt mashed the potatoes and carved the bird like a champ. The boys cleaned up afterward, too.

My other big accomplishment was running that 10k I was talking about. It was this past Sunday morning, and it was 32 degrees and snowing a bit, but I did it! I finished in 1:02:01-- yes, 62 minutes and ONE second. I probably would have come in faster if I hadn't decided to slow down for a couple of water stops and to take advantage of the porta-facility that was just past the halfway point. But that's a very solid 10-minute-mile pace, which was at the high end of the range I'd been hoping for.

Here I am approaching the finish line:

Today is the last day of finals at work, and I'm looking forward to a slower time over Christmas break. I have a lot of tutorial videos to create, which should keep me busy, but it will be nice to have a few weeks without quite so many interruptions.

E-reader rundown

2010-11-06T15:10:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine recently asked me to explain the basics of the different electronic book readers. Since I put some time into the overview, I thought I'd post it here in case it would be useful for anyone else (Christmas is coming, after all). Please keep in mind that this is simply my best understanding of the situation and that I am human and therefore may err now and again. =)

The big boys right now are the Kindle from Amazon and the Nook from Barnes & Noble. There are also a bunch of other, lesser-known readers like Sony's eReader and the Kobi and such from Borders.These all have the "e-ink" screens, which look like regular paper pages. They have a light gray background, like cheap paper, and they can only display black "ink." You need to be in a lighted area to read them (no backlighting, so it's much easier on the eyes than a computer screen).

There are 3 different models of the Kindle. There is a big one, called the DX, and two versions of the smaller size: one has both WiFi and 3G connectivity, while the other has just WiFi. You pay a little more for the 3G model up front ($189 vs. $139), but using the Sprint network to browse, buy, and download books is free from that point on-- no contracts or anything. If you happen to have the just-WiFi version, you can browse and buy books anywhere that you can connect to a WiFi signal. If you can't get a signal, you can still buy books on your computer and transfer the books over to the Kindle by hooking it up with the charging cable (it's like putting files on a flash drive). The Kindles all have real buttons that you push to turn pages or type.

The B&N Nook is very similar in most respects. There are two versions right now-- WiFi + 3G ($199), as well as just WiFi ($149). Same deal as the Kindle as far as connecting goes-- I don't know which cellular network it uses, but I do know that there are no additional charges. (I have the just-WiFi version.) The main difference, physically, is that the Nook has a little color touchscreen at the bottom instead of a teeny keyboard. The touchscreen turns into a little keyboard if you need it to, but if you're just reading, it goes dark and you can turn pages back and forth with a finger swipe instead of always having to use the side buttons.

I think most of the other ones are either just WiFi or need to be physically hooked up to a computer to get books. I'm not sure, though.

The main thing that sets the Kindle and Nook apart, in my mind, is the type of files you can get. If you get the Kindle, you are pretty much locked into buying all of your ebooks through Amazon-- unless you "jailbreak" it, or hack it so it will accept files from other sellers. Doing that is supposed to be really easy, but I believe it also violates the warranty and service terms (like that kid who hacked his iPhone so it would work on the Verizon network a while back).

The Nook (and those other ereaders) accepts files from B&N but also from a lot of other places. I could buy books from Borders.com and put them on my Nook, for instance. I would have to do that from my computer and transfer them to the Nook with the cable, but I could do it.

A lot of public libraries are also starting to offer ebook collections that you can borrow, and the Nook makes that very easy. If you have a library card, you just get on your library's website and log in with your card number; you can browse, check out, and download ebooks. Once they're on your computer, you plug in your ereader and transfer the file onto it. Again, you can do this with a Kindle if you jailbreak it, but it's automatically supported by the Nook and the rest. I have a couple of library books on mine right now. You borrow them for a set period of time, and when that time is up, they expire and automatically "go back" to the library, so no late fees. =)

In a couple of weeks, Barnes & Noble is also releasing a new "Nook Color," which is a different beast entirely. It looks like more of an iPad than the other e-readers. It's all color touchscreen, which also means that it's all backlit. They're hyping it as great for electronic magazine subscriptions and stuff. It looks like an iPad without all of the apps, basically. It doesn't interest me, but it's half the price of an iPad ($249), so I'm curious to see how it sells.

In response to a question about the screen working outside and connecting via a netbook:

Either the Kindle or the Nook would be pretty good in sunlight. I would assume the others would be, as well. The iPad completely SUCKS outside (if you're sitting in warm sunlight, it will overheat and turn off, aside from the not-being-able-to-see-the-screen thing, which is bad enough). Maybe that's what they were talking about?

And, yes, the ereader will come with a USB cable and probably an adapter to charge it from a wall outlet, too. You should be able to use your netbook to download and transfer books with no problem.

And, in response to a question about ongoing costs and book sharing:

No monthly charge with any of them.

If the publisher has given the okay, you can lend an ebook to someone else for 14 days. You type in their email address and hit "share." While they have it on their Nook, you can't read it on yours (after the 14 days, it disappears from theirs and you can read it again). You can only ever lend a given book one time, though, and, like I said, you can't do this with every book.

The Kindle has just announced that you'll be able to do the same thing, but you wouldn't be able to share from a Kindle to a Nook or vice versa, as I understand it (because of those file types being different).

And, finally, in response to a question about the costs of the ebooks themselves:

I would say the book prices are pretty comparable to each other (Amazon vs. B&N vs. Borders for ebooks). Borders tends to be the highest, with Amazon and B&N neck-and-neck. Amazon seems to come in a few cents cheaper about half the time.

It really varies as to how much ebooks cost, though. I've gotten some for super-cheap (like $5 or less) or even free, and then I've paid nearly $20 for a couple of others. Some ebooks cost almost as much as the printed version, and once in a while, it's actually a few cents cheaper to buy the paperback than it is to buy the ebook! Most of the time the e-version is a little less than print, but not enough to blow you away. The biggest savings is on a new release that hasn't come out in paperback yet; the digital version tends to be a good bit cheaper than the hardback book.

You can usually get older stuff (pre-1923, and thus out of copyright) for free if you look around on sites like Project Gutenberg. Most of the better sites have files formatted for both the Kindle and everybody else. Amazon and B&N also have free downloads on some of the classics sometimes as a promotional thing.

My current projects

2010-10-11T14:17:00.000-05:00

I have several "projects" of varying natures in the works right now. I figured I'd share, since apparently I am too scatterbrained to post a coherent entry.

Fall Book Challenge: I'm participating in the fall book challenge for an online "book club" that I found. I did the summer one and it was a lot of fun, even though I didn't complete the whole thing. I ended in the top third, but, more importantly, I ended up reading a lot of books I'd have never thought to read, and I enjoyed it. The challenges are long lists of different categories that are worth different numbers of points; for instance, "read a Newbery Award winner" is a 5-point "task" this time around, while "Read a book that is told (at least in part) from the perspective of someone with autism or mental retardation. Post about how you felt the character's autism affected their story, in both positive and negative ways" is worth 25. I finished the summer challenge with 265 points, and I hope to do about as well this time around (though the 25-point tasks, for the most part, don't interest me very much this time around). Matt checks his fantasy football team; I work on my current book challenge.

Knitting! I'm working on fingerless gloves. I finished the first one yesterday! I'm using this pattern (click for pics). Mine are closer in color to the ones from the movie than to the ones in the pattern picture (holding the book). Love. I am so proud that I completed something in the round and was able to figure out how to switch back and forth from round to flat.

Run a 10k: After that 5k on Labor Day, I can't wait to try a "realer" race. I downloaded an "8 weeks to 10k" program and am now in Week 2. I'm eying up a 10k on December 5, and I think that I can be ready, distance-wise. I'm hesitant only because it's outdoors on December 5! I have until, I think, November 20th to pre-register, so I may wait a few more weeks and see how the training goes. So far, I'm really liking the speed work and tempo runs. It's adding some variety back into an exercise routine that had become monotonous slogging.

Host Thanksgiving (gulp)! Matt and I have decided to host Thanksgiving for his family this year. It's only 5-6 people, so it's not the most massive undertaking, but I'm still nervous. I've never made a turkey before, so this is ambitious. It's made yet more daunting by the fact that Matt's mother has Celiac disease and has to adhere to a completely gluten-free diet. I made a trip to the natural foods store this morning and investigated the options, and I am relieved to have discovered that there are pre-made, frozen gluten-free pie crusts, gluten-free bread for stuffing, and gluten-free gravy mixes. Those were the three parts that I was nervous about, and my fears have been allayed. I'll figure out the rest.

That's about it. Work continues to be busy, and the next two and a half weeks will be the most hectic of the whole year for me. With November, however, comes the chance to catch my breath and get my car inspected.

Speaking of, Matt's car has been in the shop since Thursday, so I've been running him to work in the mornings and picking him up at night. Since he works 25 minutes from our house in one direction and I work 25 minutes from our house in the other, this has meant a lot of driving for me. We knew that he needed two new tires to pass inspection, but we did not know that the entire floor of the car was rusted out and needed to be patched. That's why it's been at a body shop since Friday. The estimate was less than we'd feared, so we're hoping that there are no complications with that. Then it's just the tires and a (possibly) cracked manifold. :'( This has to happen by the end of October, because that's when his inspection is up. I love Pennsylvania.

Still here

2010-10-03T18:14:00.000-05:00

So, I'm still alive. Work is always busy in the fall semester, and this year has been no exception. It cuts into my writing time!

Let's see... What have I been up to? Well, Matt and I ran that 5k on Labor Day, and it was a blast. We finished in 31:30, which I thought was pretty good. Our goal was to run the whole thing without stopping or slowing to a walk, and we accomplished that, even up the big hill! Here we are after:

I'm currently downloading an MP3 training program that's supposed to get you from a 5k to a 10k in eight weeks. That would be just about right for me to build up to run in the Trot for Tots 10k at the beginning of December, but I'm not sure if I want to commit to that. I love the idea, but they run in all weather, and I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to run for 6.2 miles in sleet or snow or such. Maybe I'll give it a couple of weeks and see how I'm feeling.

We hosted our first Steelers party a couple of weeks ago, and I would say that it was a success.

I kicked butt at my first writing & critical thinking class session last week, which is a good way to start October (I will do about 20 of these things by the time this month is over). The professor even sent my boss a two-page letter detailing how amazing I am! I'll take that. :)

In other news, my online book club has finished the summer book challenge and is moving on to fall. I'm sitting out the October monthly selection, since I am too much of a wimp to read Stephen King. We're doing an "exchange," where we all sign up on this website that randomly assigns us another participant, secret-Santa style. I'm waiting on the book to arrive to I can put the package together to send out to my "elf," and I can't wait to see what somebody sends me. :)

My knitting has stalled out a bit. My wrists have been bad lately, and I think it's a combination of my Nook (the buttons aren't positioned at the most convenient spot, and the touch-screen is apparently hard on me!) and my new Mac keyboard at work. I may have to ask IT to give me my PC peripherals back.

We ARE going to be hosting Thanksgiving for Matt's family here at our house. Matt and I went to Walmart yesterday and bought a roasting pan and basting set, and I ordered Williams & Sonoma's turkey brine from their website. I'm totally intimidated but also really excited.

The stray kitten outside is not so much of a kitten any more, and he has gotten really friendly and cute. We go back and forth on whether to adopt him or not; I went so far as to call the vet to find out how much vaccinations, etc. would set us back. In the end, though, we always decide that we're better off as a one-cat household.

So that's the news from here... I'll try to update more faithfully so there's not quite so much to gush forth when I finally sit down to blog!

Birthday reflections

2010-08-18T15:15:00.000-05:00

Note: I wrote this on Monday but didn't actually publish it at the time. I was, um, in an all-day meeting, so forgive the disjointed and incomplete incoherence...

Ten years ago today, I woke up next to the Green River in Utah. We drove north all day and at dinner we stopped at a truck stop with a Dairy Queen because my parents wanted me to have an ice cream cake for my birthday. We settled for a chocolate-chip cookie dough Blizzard.

I think that I want to get in the habit of making goals for the year on my birthday and also assessing what I've experienced and accomplished.

This year, I want to:

Run in a 5k
Run in a 10k
Host at least two of the family holidays for Matt's side (Thanksgiving for sure)

Another note: I just mailed Matt's and my registration for a 5k that is taking place on Labor Day. Woot!

Community

2010-08-04T11:42:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of community and what it means in a specifically Christian context. I think that a lot of people hear about "community" and "living in community" and think that we are all supposed to be BFFs and sing kumbayah and spend all of our time with a group of other (Christian) people. I've spent a lot of time feeling like a bad person and especially like a bad Christian because I just can't relish the thought of being in too close of proximity to too many people for too long, no matter how godly they are.

We're looking for a new church. Our "home church," where I'm still a member and where we still try to go once a month or so, is actually called "Community United Methodist." I love that church, but I also loved that I had all sorts of excuses to hold the "community" part at arm's length. Busy schedule. Twenty-five minute drive from work. Nobody my age. Then, a wedding to plan, a marriage to prepare for, and a move to make. I could be a involved but not get pulled in too intimately.

But now we're church-shopping, and we're trying to figure out what we're looking for, besides physical proximity, sound doctrine, and edifying preaching. There's more to it than just that, but what, exactly, is the "x" factor?

Then there's the wedding we're going to this weekend. The bride and groom definitely have their own ideas about community, and it seems to involve spending lots and lots of time with people you may or may not know. The expectation is that everyone will absolutely love this and all of these complete strangers with no reservations. In other words, the stereotypical Christian attitude to fellowship and community.

I don't think that's really what it's all about.

I was thinking the other day, as I was pushing a chair back into a table in the common area of the library, that most people don't think of others at even the most basic level. I was trained as a child to always leave a public space exactly as I found it (or, of course, a little better; throw away litter, and all that). I can tell you from my countless time spent tidying up public computer and study spaces that most people don't think about the person who will be coming in after them, or even about the people who are currently sitting a few yards away. The concept of "public property" as equally shared property is fading; what we have left is a society of people who believe that everything is or ought to be personally theirs.

I think that "community" has less to do with spending all of your time with other people, and especially with liking that idea, than a lot of us think.

Maybe community is simply recognizing that you live in a world with other people who deserve respect. Maybe it means being responsible for yourself, trying not to inconvenience others, and helping them out if you get a good opportunity.

Maybe it's a lot simpler and a lot less gushy and emotional than we think.

Impatient

2010-06-26T14:55:00.002-05:00

I need to go to JoAnn's and the library! I was off yesterday, but the public libraries are all closed on Fridays now because of the state budget cuts.

I need to go to JoAnn's because I bought needles and yarn for my next project without bothering to read through the actual pattern. I bought the wrong size/length needles.

I also want to get the stuff to start the next project in my queue, too. But I won't be able to get to JoAnn's until Monday at lunch, and I won't be able to get to the library until Monday at dinner. :(

Knit knit knit knit. There's something about finishing a project that makes you want to plow headlong into the next one.

No news is good news...

2010-06-18T10:06:00.003-05:00

I'm so excited right now-- I just ordered Matt's birthday present. I can't say what it is, on the very, very slight off-chance that he stumbles upon this post, but let's just say that I am totally psyched and can't wait to give it to him on July 7th. :) I hope he likes it as much as I think he will.

There isn't a whole lot of news, otherwise. Life has been pretty quiet, which is just the way I like it. Our air conditioner died the week before Memorial Day, and that has been pretty miserable. The new unit is on order, I guess, but the apartment manager never seems to be able to reach the company to get word on when we can expect it to be delivered, much less installed (it seems that the HVAC unit is located somewhere under the roof... yay). The apartment complex is lending us a window unit for our bedroom, and thank goodness for that; at least we can sleep at night. But, even in the bedroom, it's just not the same!

The constant heat and humidity makes it hard to want to do much of anything around the house. We still have a few cardboard boxes sitting around here and there, and I'd like to do something about that, but I haven't been quite able to muster the motivation. Our bedroom walls are still unpleasantly bare, and I'd like to do something about that, too. Unfortunately, all I ever feel like doing is lying around on the couch or going to the pool.

I need to get some serious knitting done this week... my project is almost done, but I have a deadline that is fast approaching! I need to figure out what my next project is going to be and get the yarn and needles for it, too. I would love to have a sewing nook somewhere, but that is just not to be right now, so I'll stick to my hand-held crafts.

You know you're an old married lady when suddenly leafing through Glamour has lost its appeal and you find yourself gravitating toward Country Living and Design*Sponge instead. In my defense, I don't recall Glamour running quite so many "Is it Ever OK to Sleep With the Boss?" type features in the past...

Little updates

2010-05-27T13:57:00.002-05:00

I saw a patriotic dog bikini at Walmart yesterday. Yes, really.

I have high hopes that I may, in fact, get to eat a meal with my husband today. Well, maybe that's too much to hope for. Surely tomorrow. (He's been working a lot of 11-hour days.)

In other news, getting all of my accounts switched over to my new name and new bank account is a PAIN.

My lettuce is still sprouting. I think the strawberry plants are taller. We're hoping to buy a treadmill this weekend.

That's about it. :)

My hat is right...

2010-05-24T14:42:00.002-05:00

...Life is good.

Now that work has settled down into routine hours again (yay for my "late night" being until 6:00 pm instead of 9 or 11 or 1 in the morning) and the cat is doing better, I can finally enjoy the calm of post-wedding bliss. Most of my name change paperwork is done, and at this point, I can't do anything more until I get the checks for our new joint bank account.

So I've been doing laundry, flipping through Country Living, and planting a container garden on our balcony (my lettuce is sprouting and the strawberry plants haven't died yet!). I've been talking to Matt about having people over for dinner sometime this week, and I painted my nails the other day. I knitted a little last night. This morning I ate my breakfast on the back "porch." It's been lovely.

My life feels like it has a lot more air without Facebook. It's still quite odd at times to not be able to click over there for a couple of minutes, or to access old vacation photos when my brain wants to look at somewhere pretty, but I think it's making me more productive. I didn't realize how much I was unconsciously thinking about what other people thought of me, my life, and my updates! I've been doing things because I want to, lately, and not because they fit into some image that I'm trying to craft. I like that.

I need to be better about cleaning the house, and cooking has been almost totally a loss, but otherwise, I'm really enjoying the start of my summer. :) Hopefully we'll be buying a treadmill soon so I can get back into running consistently. And Pilates. Haven't done Pilates since the end of April. Oops. Good thing I have a beginner-level DVD to ease back in with.

Kitty update

2010-05-18T10:08:00.001-05:00

Gulliver is doing better. He completely terrorized the vet's office, which surprised us to no end (he is such a little bundle of sweetness and sunshine; I didn't know he had it in him!). They were able to do the x-ray, which came back fine, but they decided to forgo the second test in the interest of the lives and limbs of the staff. !!!!

The vet thinks that Gully's stomach lining is inflamed. He gave us some cortisone pills to give him every 12 hours for the next couple of weeks. He seems energetic and back to himself again (he stopped growling and hissing when Matt let him out of the cat carrier at home)-- just hungry.

Thanks for the prayers! He could probably use a few more during his recovery. :)

Prayer request

2010-05-14T08:48:00.002-05:00

Our kitty is sick. He's been throwing up since we brought him home Saturday night, and he doesn't seem to be able to keep much food down at all. I was really worried Wednesday night, because he seemed to be getting really tired and weak.

He seems to be rallying now, and he's acting much more like himself, so that's really good. He kept down his teeny little breakfast all day yesterday, and he had a very small dinner last night that he managed to keep down, too. This morning, though, we gave him a small breakfast, which he wolfed down. Twenty minutes later, it was back up.

I'm hopeful that this morning's episode was just because he ate too fast (the cat we had when I was a kid would sometimes forgo chewing and would throw up shortly thereafter), but we would still appreciate it if you could say a little prayer for Gulliver. He's a little cat, so you don't need to say a big prayer. :) He's a little bundle of sweet sunshine, though, and we would all appreciate it very much.

All the news

2010-05-10T23:32:00.000-05:00

Or mostly all the news-- there's probably too much for even the longest blog post ever.

Most importantly, of course, I got married. After all of that heartache and stress and work, the wedding day itself was actually quite lovely and pretty fun. I wouldn't say that it was worth the 9 months that led up to it, but it was worth two or maybe even three of them.

We had gorgeous weather, I got to see a lot of my favorite people, and I actually remember most of the wedding ceremony (everybody said that it would be a blur, but it's no more blurred than my average memories-- which, granted, are not the crispest). Getting married outside was a fantastic decision; every time I started to go into "what the heck am I doing?!" fuzzy mode, a duck would swim by, or the sunlight would sparkle off of the lake behind Matt, and it would bring me back to the moment and remind me of how right it all felt.

Walking down the hill with Dad was actually fun, not all awkward and emotional, and it was great when the ceremony actually started and Pastor John said "When Matt saw Kelly get out of the car, he said 'Oh, wow.'" I liked how it wasn't stiff, and we didn't have a receiving line or dismiss aisles or anything; right after we got married and headed back up to the stage for pictures, the very first guest I ran into was my 6-week old second cousin. I got to meet her for the first time, and I loved that I could act normally and fuss over her and not feel like I had to play some "bride" character.

The food was delicious, though the caterers tried to use our plastic table cloths (intended for the outside tables) instead of the linen ones we rented, and they tried to pass off white paper napkins instead of the green cloth ones we paid for (Allison made them fix it; she was a lifesaver). They also screwed up the cake decorations, but the cake was super-yummy, and that's what really matters. :)

The honeymoon was a blast, though I was under the weather in one way or another for most of it and brought home a cold as a souvenir.

I have changed my name with the Social Security Administration. I am so glad there's an office a few blocks from work; their website's "locate an office" feature is for some reason only available during certain hours of the day (apparently they are unaware that the internet is open 24/7), and even when it was supposedly available, the link pointed to a page that did not exist. Oh, and the local office's phone number listed in the phone book has been disconnected!! I hope to do the DMV tomorrow. It will be nice to have an identity again.

Working til 1 am tonight and tomorrow night. Only half an hour to go! And then the drive home. Yawn...

Crazy

2010-04-29T17:25:00.000-05:00

So in about 42 hours... I'll be married.

I can't wait. :)

In other news, I deactivated my Facebook account. That step has been a long time coming. I got tired of the negativity and personal attacks from some people; I got tired of the passive-aggressive gossip from others. I didn't like some people knowing so much about my life, and I was tired of how much of my time the website seemed to suck up. It's a weird, weird feeling to be suddenly without one of your primary communication mechanisms for the last 5 years, but I think that it's a really good step and will contribute to a happier, healthier life.

I'll be continuing to post here, but I'm thinking about making this blog viewable by permission only. Send me an email if you would like to have access, just in case.

One day closer to May 2

2010-03-13T16:45:00.001-05:00

Forty-nine days until sanity is restored and Matt can actually move in! I am starting to get a little excited about the wedding. Finally, huh?

My bridal shower is a week from today, and basically, I just want it over with. Mom and Althea tried, but it's been a lot of stress from beginning to end-- for me! And my job is supposedly just to show up! Matt's mom and sister started asking me about my shower at Thanksgiving (not even kidding), and his mom has continued to be extremely concerned about it ever since. His sister asked me about when she was going to get an invitation several times, but in the end she apparently RSVP'd "maybe"!

His mom was under the impression that we would be inviting their entire extended family to the shower, and it has been tough for her to come to grips with the fact that we aren't inviting all of her friends, sisters, aunts, and cousins. I've been stuck in the middle of everything, as everyone calls or emails me with questions about what the other parties are doing. Poor Matt fields constant questions from his mom about the shower, and I'm not sure why she thinks he knows anything about it, him being, you know, a man and not invited.

Anyway. I'm also realizing that it was maybe not so bright of me to register at a store that does not exist within an hour of where my entire family lives.

One thing that I'm happy about is that I checked the location yesterday, and the roof is indeed still on the stage and did not collapse during the snow storms in February. That's a relief, and will be especially relieving to my mother.

I got my dress pressed and it looks lovely. I also now know where the expression "taken to the cleaners" originated. Ouch.

I need to schedule follow-up meetings with the photographer, caterer, and florist. And my friend who agreed to be my day-of problem-handler. Stupid Easter weekend occuring right when I would like to do all of those things!

Mainly I am excited about the honeymoon. I can't wait to see the Smokies. I think they're going to be gorgeous in early May, and I really can't wait to be somewhere lovely that also has no cell phone reception. It will be awesome.

Moved

2010-02-22T21:02:00.002-05:00

We finally got me moved to the new place on Saturday. I think that I'm really going to like it. We were blessed with fantastic weather and lots of wonderful help; my parents and brother came down, and so did one of Matt's coworkers, one of his college friends, and the college friend's fiancee. Nothing broke (all of my wine glasses survived!) as far as I can tell, and hardly anything even shifted in the U-Haul. I also found out that, among other hidden talents, my husband-to-be has a real knack for driving large vehicles-- I'd assumed that my dad or brother would be driving the van, but Matt handled it as well as either of them would!

We took all of my stuff out on Saturday. My parents brought down my grandfather's old washer and dryer, which they are giving us as an early wedding gift, and they and my brother spent most of the day getting those hooked up. Matt and his friends took the emptied van out to Ligonier and picked up his big furniture-- his bed, futon, and table and chairs. He's going to sleep on an air mattress for the remainder of his time in that apartment. Everything was in and the helpers were gone by 4:00.

Not to say that the moving process was without interesting occurrences. My cat hasn't slept since Friday night, I swear. He just prowls around with his eyes all big, his tail in the air, and he meows a lot. He seems to be really happy with the new place, but he's all wired up beyond belief. Matt thinks that pretty soon Gulliver is just going to crash and sleep for four days and we'll think that he's dead.

There are still books EVERYWHERE. I had, well, um, four bookshelves overflowing at my old place. Matt grumbled and griped about that, but you know what? He has a lot of books, himself. They're all piled on the futon in the living room. You can't see the futon, and this is after he put all of our Bibles and commentaries and concordances and devotionals on a bookshelf together. I got the majority of mine onto shelves last night, but there are still plenty to go. Ugh.

But, other than that, we're pretty much in. Matt still has his clothes and kitchen stuff at his own place, but all of his non-essentials are moved into the townhouse. We hooked up my computer, and my DSL was waiting for me, just like I'd always lived there. It's starting to look cozy. I love it. :)

One interesting quirk that we have discovered already is that running water in the upstairs bathroom results in a very distinct ticking/knocking sound in the wall shared by the bathroom and the smaller bedroom, which we plan to use as ours. It starts out very rapid and rhythmic, but then it slows down and becomes very sporadic. It's like Chinese water torture-- you know that the next "tick" is coming, but you don't-- know-- when! Earplugs do not drown it out; the sound is louder in the bedroom than in the bathroom! We were thinking that we might have to use the big bedroom as ours, after all, with the smaller one as the guest room/man cave, but Matt sat in the bedroom for 45 minutes yesterday and timed it. He thinks that it will be okay if we just make sure to cut off upstairs-bathroom use about half an hour before bedtime. I can live with that. It's kind of annoying to have to make your way down the stairs to the bare-bones half-bath in the middle of the night, but we really love the idea of having that balcony in the bedroom.

We've already done at least four loads of laundry in the washer and dryer. Best wedding gift ever!

It's all a little scary, though. It's a big change. I was in my Greensburg apartment for 3 1/2 years, which is a really long time. I've been living alone for 4 1/2 years, which is an even longer time. I'm a little worried about having to share my living space again. Matt was very insistent that I have a little area that is "mine," since he's getting his man cave. We made part of the living room into my desk and bookshelves area, and it is sort of nice to know that I have just a bit of room that is going to be all for me. It hit me suddenly yesterday that I will no longer have my "sanctuary" to run to when I get tired of family drama on his side or when I would rather hang out with my friends instead of his. When you have your own place, you always know that you can say "I don't want to see him/her/them today; I'll go home" if you really want to. But you can't do that when you're married and it's his place, too. I don't think that it's actually going to be much of an issue in practice, but the knowledge that I've lost the option is weird to grapple with.

I'm also having a rough time with the knowledge that we may not be attending our church much longer after we get married. Our pastor is going to be marrying us, so we're committed until mid-May, at the earliest. We stopped and talked to him yesterday after the service to touch base about starting our premarital counseling, and he asked where we were going to be living. When we told him, his immediate response was, "Well, we would hate to see you go, but there are some good churches out that way." He mentioned one specifically, and I looked it up today. I know where it is; I've driven past it many times. It's 4.5 miles from the new place. It has a beautiful website. And I wanted to cry the whole time I was browsing through the mission statement and worship schedule, because I love my church, and I love our pastor, and I don't want to have to leave. And I know that, this summer, I'll probably have to, just because it's too far away for us to really be involved there when we live so far away.

Lots of changes. It's great, and it's exciting. It's a lot of work. It's a lot to track. It's a lot of adjusting. I have to make time to go clean my old place this week. I get tired thinking about that, but it'll be so nice to have it done and to be truly, completely into the new place.

Updates & thoughts

2010-01-11T15:24:00.001-05:00

Random question: Are all of my friends professional-grade photographers, or have there been significant advances in digital cameras since the last time I bought one (which was January, 2005)? Facebook albums these days look like they should be framed and have astronomically high prices attached to them. Is it the cameras, or is it the photographers' skill? And if it's their skill, is there a book I can read that will make me get similar results from my 5-year-old Kodak Easy Share? Ha.

Matt and I put a deposit on a townhouse in Latrobe on Thursday night. We're excited. He was going to call the manager lady and get details, like how to switch the utilities to his name and to find out what our mailing address will be, but one of his kids flipped out. (Side note: I'm still not quite used to my fiance casually referring to "his kids," even after over two years of knowing that he means his clients.) So he's going to be out making the kid shovel snow and think over his life for the next 6 hours. I guess the townhouse details will have to wait another day.

What I do know: it's big, it has tons of cabinet and counter space in the kitchen, there are lots and lots of closets upstairs, the kitty will have a field day running up and down the stairs, and we will have room for a treadmill. So I am going to be scrimping every cent I can for the next month in an effort to pay for and justify buying a treadmill as soon as we move me in. I don't want to join a gym in Latrobe, and I really don't want to have to drive to my current gym after work and then backtrack to get home. But not running for 2 1/2 months before my wedding is not an option, either!

Our lease will start on February 1st, and my current lease on my apartment is up on February 28th, so at least we will have an entire month in which to move me during the dead of winter. It's been simply awful here ever since New Year's, so I hope that we get a significant and lengthy February thaw. I dread moving.

I'm halfway through a weight-loss program. Ish. I only had to take off 3 pounds to get back down to wedding-dress size. I lost two last week, so I hope that I can go back to eating food when I want to at the end of this week. I think the constant hunger is making me sad and cranky. Or maybe it's the crappy weather. Or all of the stress. I'm suddenly making and checking lists, lists, lists, and wondering why on earth The Bride is supposed to do all of this awful work and then pretend like it's all sunshine and lace and delight and that she's a pretty pretty princess. I certainly hope everyone really enjoys this darn event that I have to make happen. Because I'm not enjoying planning it or being engaged, not one little bit!

Finally, and probably the part that should have gone at the top: my grandfather died this morning. I don't really know any details as far as arrangements yet, but my mother is supposed to update me when plans have been determined. Matt and I went up to the hospital on Saturday, and we were there when the decision was made to start hospice care. I think that Grandpa may have seen and recognized me, but it's hard to say, really. It was pretty awful to see him lying there in that condition.

He and I were never close at all, and I've had a feeling that this was coming for at least 5 months now, so I'm not exactly torn up. But it's still sad. I think my dad is going to have a hard time with it. We lost his mother four years ago, and I remember how hard that was for him. I know that, for a while, he was feeling partially responsible, because he was the one who had to give the okay for the operation that started this whole decline (nasty bacterial infection set in as a complication after the surgery). So I hope he's doing okay. My aunts and uncles all tend to handle tough things much the way Matt and I do-- crying but making quips at the same time, trying to lighten things up as much as possible-- but my parents are pretty much all business and serious. Sigh.

Almost Christmas

2009-12-22T15:39:00.001-05:00

I love me a good thrift shop. Althea and I have been keeping Christmas in our traditional fashion, meaning that I suddenly have free time on my hands due to unused vacation days set to expire, so I go visit her. Sometimes we go see movies. Sometimes we sit in her living room and watch movies. Sometimes we go somewhere for no real reason.

Yesterday we went to Indiana (PA) for no real reason. Ostensibly we were going to drop stuff off at a Goodwill, but I bet that there was a Goodwill closer than Indiana. Never mind. We took a detour to Tarentum (in the opposite direction from Althea's house from Indiana...) to sell some scrap metal that we'd been saving. Our huge bags of aluminum cans and her scavenged metal door things netted us a whopping $6.72 from the scary scrap-metal place. Then we drove all the way to Indiana and dropped off bags of stuff. I'm trying to start my pre-move purge now, so I don't get all stressed about nonessential junk a month or so from now.

Of course, you can't be AT a Goodwill without going INTO the Goodwill, so we killed an hour or more in there. I actually got some cool stuff, and it was actually less than I had donated, so I am calling it a highly successful trip. I got a pair of dark blue jeans from the Gap, a fantastic purple dress from B. Moss, a cool green shirt, and a couple of t-shirts (one of them a Steelers tee) for $18. Good deal.

We drove another very circuitous route south and east to a winery outlet we'd frequented in the past, and finally headed back to her place for yarnwork (crochet for her and knitting for me, since my wrist no longer permits me to crochet) while watching the travel channel. Yay.

At the risk of being all sappy, it is really great to have had the same best friend since I was 8. I never have to tell Althea the backstory, or explain what my mother really meant when she said ___, or wonder if she'll think less of me if I tell her about the crummy stuff in my life. She's just there, and she understands, and she gets me, and she doesn't judge. When I'm going through some of the toughest stuff in my life, hearing her voice or just sitting on her living room floor in misery can take the edge off and remind me that I can get through it. I remember when I was halfway through grad school and she was graduated but unemployed, stuck living with her parents, and how we were both scared and miserable but made each other laugh at the situation that Christmas while we watched Harry Potter and speculated about living in cardboard houses and subsisting on ramen. Having that kind of "history" is pretty awesome, and I appreciate it more and more as the years tick by.

I'm hoping to get to a similar point with some of my current awesome friends someday, and I have a feeling that marriage becomes a similar refuge and source of strength over the years, only even more so. I'm looking forward to that.

Wedding blah

2009-12-05T15:24:00.002-05:00

I think maybe I need to lay off on the wedding porn. It's pretty, and I'm getting a few good ideas here and there, but mostly, I look at and read all of this stuff and think to myself "Yeah, that's gorgeous! Man! I would love to do that! I want to ______, too! Oh, wait, I'm too lazy and would never, ever invest that much time or effort into a stupid wedding."

Apparently good brides these days make their own invitations on their home computers and desk jet printers. My own mother keeps hinting that she wishes I would go that route. Um, excuse me, I have better things to do than buy 4 ink cartridges and sit around fighting with the paper feed every night for a week. The closest that I'm coming to printing my invitations is Mail Merge and the address labels. It's worth the money to me to design the invitations online, order them, and have a package delivered to my door, ready to go.

My aunt asked what Matt is going to be wearing, and I said "I don't know. He's dressing himself." She was kind of horrified. But... I mean, please. He's a grown man.

My dress doesn't thrill me to my fingertips, and so, apparently, according to all of the girls on the internet, I should keep on searching for one that makes me feel stunning. My dress is fine. It fits. It doesn't look cheap, but it was. I will look like I'm getting married, and I won't look fugly, so... done. But the general impression that I keep getting is that it's going to haunt me forever if my dress doesn't make my toes curl in excitement. The thing is... I don't think it will be a major source of regret. I really don't. But I keep reading and hearing all of this stuff that says otherwise, and it's starting to make me question myself a little. I kind of feel like I'm doing something wrong. I keep getting this unspoken message that I Will Regret It if I "settle" for my wedding day.

But... is it really "settling" if you just can't be bothered? Am I a bad female for being too lazy to hand-tie 100 little ribbon bows with hand-notched ends around 100 little bubble tubes? Am I going to look back in 10 years and go, "Geez, I wish I'd had the Big Day of Perfection, like all of the other girls"?

This is weird, but I really think that part of the reason I'm so bleh about the whole process is that there was only one Thing that I wanted. I really wanted our pastor to officiate, but he's a person. I really wanted our location, but that's a place. The only Thing that I cared about was the white Bible my grandma carried at her wedding back in the 50's. I desperately wanted to carry that Bible at my wedding, too. But... it is nowhere to be found. Grandma has searched high and low, and so has my mom, and they simply cannot find it. We found the box that it came in, but it's full of newspaper clippings about Grandma and Papa's wedding. And... once I came to terms with the fact that I couldn't have the Thing that I wanted most of all, all of the other little details just lost their shine. That, and I'm lazy. Mostly, I'm just lazy.

There's lots of little things that I want to be doing right now, like ordering invitations and wedding bands and favors and stuff, but I'm reluctant to do much of that until we find our post-wedding dwelling and get me moved in. But waiting makes me nervous, because that crams WAY too much into the last two months. Hmm. Maybe I need to start getting stuff and just start storing it at Matt's place! Haha. Hmm, that's actually an idea...

Gifts & God's will

2009-10-26T16:42:00.000-05:00

My church has what they call "consecration month" once a year, which is wrapped up with "consecration Sunday." It's the time of the year when they focus on getting people involved with the various ministries of the church. There are different ministry teams-- discipleship, fellowship, worship, outreach, etc. Representatives from each get up to talk about their team and explain a little about what they do and explain the opportunities for service. Everybody gets to sign up for how they'd like to help by using a green card and checking off the ministries that interest them or that they feel called to do.

It's actually a really good system; our congregation is very "involved," and, while we have amazing, godly, and busy men at the top in the pastoral positions, there really is a sense that every member of the congregation is a participant in ministry. It's not "involved" in a busy-busy way, either; the work of the church, good, effectual work, is being done by people who cheerfully serve where they're able.

We're in consecration month right now. There's a lot of talk about spiritual gifts and the Body of Christ and such. I was thinking about my spiritual gifts during the sermon, and about how I like being a liturgist, and how I love tithing, but I don't think that I can fill out a "time & talents" commitment card this year. I can't even give the secretary an estimate of my giving. Because I'm moving in less than six months, and in six months, I'll be married and living 20-25 minutes farther still from this particular church. And there are lots of churches in Latrobe where Matt and I would probably be able to be more actively and consistently involved. We need to be able to explore the options.

It's kind of sad, because I love my church, and I'm starting to really feel like a part of it after three years. But right now, I also feel free, because I don't have to worry about whether or not I should be signing up for the altar guild. I can't make a year-long commitment of any kind to this particular church right now, because I might be changing churches halfway through the year. I already know what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to be focusing on God, Matt, getting moved, getting married, and starting our family off on a solid foundation. These particular responsibilities aren't going to last forever, obviously, but right now, they are my obligations. It's plenty, for sure, but it's also clearly-defined, and I love knowing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

When I was thinking about my spiritual gifts, I started mulling over my results for one of those "spiritual gifts" tests that you can take. I don't remember the details, but I do remember that I scored high on humor, faith, and wisdom. I don't particularly feel faith-filled or wise, and I didn't know that making fun of things was a spiritual gift, but that's what it said. :) I was thinking about how I would very much like to be wise, but how I don't see how whatever wisdom I may possess is of any benefit to the Body. I'm not exactly getting up and preaching, and I don't think I should. I don't lead a Bible study, and right now, at least, I don't think I should. But it suddenly dawned on me that most of the wisest people I've known in my life are not in-your-face about it at all. I think there's actually a verse in Proverbs to the effect that fools blather all day long, but you have to ask a wise man to find out what he thinks. Most of the wisest people I know don't go around handing out unasked-for advice. So maybe I need to stop stressing about how to SHARE that gift and start focusing on developing it. Because it would be completely awesome to be a wise woman, don't you think? :)

And to do that, I probably need to slow down a little and take the time to spend time with God in a variety of ways. And I think not over-committing (at least more than I can absolutely help) is a step towards that. So we'll see how it goes.

I still get a sick feeling in my stomach when I look around my apartment and think about having to move all of that junk in a few months, though!

As the leaves drift down

2009-10-14T09:28:00.000-05:00

Fall is here and Fall Break has ended. Fall Break, to me, simply meant that I got to work a 9-5 on Monday instead of a 3-11 (yay) and that there were very few students around Monday or Tuesday (that was a nice breather, too). But we're back up and running, and the students are looking more and more like they just rolled out of bed every day, so I know that the last push to term papers and final projects is just beginning.

I like the rhythm of a university campus. I wasn't sure, when I started working here, that I still wanted my life to be ruled by the academic calendar. I've found, though, that it's sort of comforting, a kind of incredibly secular liturgy, if you will. I like the predictability of it. I like knowing when we're going to be packed with students and when it's going to be a ghost town, and I like seeing the hoodies and sweatpants and Uggs come out in full force at midterms with unwavering regularity. (As a side note, it's so much easier to stand out as a pulled-together adult when the college girls around you are all wearing pajama pants instead of cute outfits and flawless makeup.)

I like knowing that work is going to get magically and instantaneously less hectic beginning November 1, because it always does. It's like a switch going off, and it always coincides exactly with the end of October.

Outside of the campus, though, my life is probably still going to be weird and nuts.

I skipped the football game Friday because it was cold and rainy and I just wasn't feeling up to it. Matt and I spent Saturday in Ligonier, soaking up Ft. Ligonier Days. I haven't transferred my pictures and videos to the computer yet, but when I do, I'll put some on Facebook. The parade went right past his house, and I could have sat on his bed and watched the whole thing through the window, but we went outside and were sociable on the porch. I have some great audio of Matt's creepy new redneck neighbor trying to become best friends with me. Anyway, the parade was quite impressive; it lasted for an hour and 45 minutes and included marching bands from as far away as Butler and Morgantown!

Half of Pittsburgh was there in the form of the Shriners. It looks like a lot of fun to be a Shriner. They get to drive little cars, trucks, and dune buggies, play with puppets, sing, ride horses, do choreography with motorcycles, and have funny floats. There is a "Hillbilly Brigade" that just dresses up like hicks and walks along. Basically, it seems, if a 10-year-old boy would get a kick out of it, the Shriners do it.

Sunday was not so fun. Matt got a message as we were walking out the door to church that his mom was in UPMC Shadyside because she had been vomiting the night before and had called the ambulance to take her to the ER. Her PCP is based out of Shadyside, so I guess that's why they took her there. Anyway, we went down and spent pretty much the whole day there, until she decided she felt well enough to go home. We took her back to her place and cleaned everything up and fixed the couch and put away her window AC unit and ran to the store and got her settled in.

Matt and I both feel that she really shouldn't be living alone anymore, for a variety of reasons. He's been running her to and from hospitals for things like this for 5 or 6 years now, and he's just to the point where he realizes that the only way she is going to get the kind of help she needs is if she moves somewhere that has some kind of assistance consistently available. But she wants to have her own place, so there's nothing we can do about it. Running up there at the drop of a hat to take care of basic stuff is just not going to be feasible for us as a long-term solution, though, and I don't think she realizes that. She has offers to move in with her sister or a close friend, but she keeps insisting that she wants to have her own place, so I don't know what's going to happen. Matt's worried, I'm worried, and our hands are tied. He's only 28; she's only 51! We shouldn't have to deal with things like this for another 20 years, but that observation unfortunately does not change the facts of the matter, so we just have to figure out how to play the hand we've been dealt. God is faithful, and we keep telling ourselves and each other that He'll provide a way.

Weekend on a theme

2009-10-05T16:50:00.000-05:00

Well, it's Monday again. I don't really mind Mondays very much. I don't have to come in to work until 3:00, so I get to sleep in and then putter around, doing laundry and such. It's a nice way to ease into the work week, though Tuesday mornings always suck as a consequence (I work til 11:00 on Monday nights and then go back in at 9 or 10 the next morning). This week, it's a little easier to start back up. I actually had a weekend, a real, two-day weekend, and I got to see Matt for most of it.

We had a one-day premarital counseling workshop at our church on Saturday, and it was pretty good. I would recommend. It was led by three married couples who took turns sharing their experiences and perspectives on different topics-- spirituality, everyday life matters, sex, etc.-- and then gave us each some worksheets and questions to answer. They passed out the same question sheet to each of us, and then sent all of the girls off to different rooms to answer the questions, themselves, and then also to guess what their fiances were writing down! Then there was a prompt to write a "love letter" to your partner about the topic.

After a little while, they sent the guys to meet up with their respective fiancees, the worksheets and letters were traded and read, and you got to discuss it with each other for a little while before everyone was reassembled in the main room for the next topical talk. This lasted from 9-5!

There was a wedding going on in the middle of the afternoon, so we all had to be fairly quiet and scoot around groomsmen to get to the water fountain during breaks. I guess Pastor John saw Matt and jokingly asked him if he just wanted to get this taken care of now. If City Hall had been open to get the marriage license, we would have been tempted. :)

I wouldn't say that we really learned anything new about each other (Matt and I are kind of weird in that we talk about everything all of the time and feel very secure in doing so), but it's always good to take some set-aside time for a check-in. It was also good to reinforce our belief that this IS a fantastic idea, this whole marrying-each-other thing. Not that we had any doubts, but I suppose that every couple thinks that they have the perfect relationship. And then half of them get divorced. So it was good to be guided through talking about things and sort of have that reassurance that we aren't avoiding or overlooking anything important.

Our Bible study on Sunday morning was on the book of Hosea. There was a lot of discussion about Hosea's prostitute wife, forgiveness, faithfulness and unfaithfulness. I was mainly frustrated because the leader has her own agenda and isn't following the program at all, and it's basically just a very opinionated and loud discussion between her and this one vocal woman, with the rest of us unable to get a word in. Matt and I sit in the back and talk to each other about the text and some of the historical context and such, so I'm getting something out of it, but I wish that the group discussions were actually group discussions.

The sermon text (our pastor always preaches from the day's Gospel reading in the UMC lectionary) was the passage in Mark where Jesus is questioned about divorce and He says that God unites two people in marriage and that nobody should divide them. So there was definitely a theme that carried throughout the weekend... it's weird how that happens sometimes. I'm not sure what God is saying to us through this. :) Maybe "think this through... seriously, think this through!" LOL I don't think he's trying to warn us away... It's just kind of funny.

Just an update

2009-10-02T14:19:00.002-05:00

Well, let's see... First the health stuff, I guess. My mom assures me that she has NOT been passing out with regularity; apparently she only actually passed out once, she attributes it to a pinched nerve, and Caleb didn't make it all very clear in his account to me. So that's good (Did I ever mention that her only sibling died of brain cancer 17 years ago? So I'm a little hypersensitive about things that could be pointing to brain tumors in my mom.).

Grandpa is doing some better and has been moved to a care facility thing that is in the same town where my parents work, instead of 1/2 an hour away (the previous hospital was a little over an hour's drive from my parents' house, and the new one is half an hour, so that's good). Mom & Dad initially opposed the move, because they were worried the quality of care would suffer, but I guess he's doing okay.

Tedious wedding stuff follows.

We finally booked the caterer last night, and they're going to do the cake, so that's a few things checked off the list. The caterers (and the photographer and florist, for that matter) are for some reason convinced that we are going to be calling them up every week from now til May to tell them about changes or adjustments, so they weren't interested in nailing down the details of the cake yet. Why on earth would I want to call up all of my wedding vendors every other week for 6 1/2 months just to chat? I have better things to do with my time. Oh, well. Since "round, three-tier, white or something" isn't enough for them to go on, I will scrounge around The Knot for something simple-looking and I'll just give them a picture of that. I just want it to taste good, okay?

Matt and I picked out the invitation we want and I drafted some wording that suited us. Mom has reservations. For starters, she is uncomfortable with the idea of ordering something from the internet. Then, she doesn't like that they're square. She says that it's because they cost extra postage, even though she says she doesn't care about the extra postage (yeah, I don't understand, either), but I think the real reason is that she's never seen a square invitation before. She had a couple of suggested wording tweaks that don't matter to me one way or the other, but the biggest sticking point is our names.

She thinks that I need to be listed as "Kelly Lynn" and Matt needs to be "Matthew." I pointed out that, for the sake of uniformity, we would then have to use his middle name, too (his middle name does not suit him at all and makes him sound like a pretentious little prep school know-it-all). This thought had not occurred to Mom. I feel that, since it is Matt's name, Matt's wedding, and Matt's friends who will be the recipients of the invitations, that Matt should be called by the name he prefers, which is "Matt". Mom fails to see the logic in this argument. She keeps insisting that this is a "formal occasion"-- when she's not explaining to a vendor that we want it to be "casual" (yeah, I don't understand, either). So... if it's a "formal occasion"... why, praytell, are we encouraging people to bring their fishing poles?

Anyways. Matt & I have an all-day premarital counseling workshop thingy at the church tomorrow, and I'm hoping that it's good. I've heard good things about the program, and Matt's skipping the only Saturday game his team has all season so we can go, so it had better be!

You are now updated. I'm sure you're relieved. :)

Trying to stay awake

2009-09-19T09:27:00.001-05:00

I'm halfway through my second cup of coffee for the day, and it's only 10:10. I'm honestly not sure how I'm going to get through the next 6 hours and 50 minutes of work. Matt had an away game last night, and I wasn't planning to go until his sister called me and asked if I wanted to go to the game. She's leaving to move out to Phoenix today, so I kinda figured that I should support her effort to see her brother one more time before she takes off. She and I haven't spent much time together, either, so it was a good opportunity for us to get to know each other a little more before she goes.

Anyway, I should have gotten enough sleep last night, because I didn't get home all that late, but I was just too wired up to drift off. It was a close game-- Mounties won!-- and I think I drank too much Diet Coke too late.

Hmm. What is new? Work has been busy. I had a bunch of classes to prepare and teach, a social event to help throw with the PaLA committee, meetings, and my regular job stuff. It's not going to slow down for quite a while, but at least it'll be shifting gears. No more class preparation to do, besides printing handouts; I just teach the same intro class over and over until November, now. We also have a mammoth book sale to make happen this coming weekend, and it snuck up on me this year.

Wedding stuff hasn't been bothering me lately, mostly because I haven't really been doing anything wedding-related besides harassing the caterers yet again, begging them for the phone calls and estimates they promised me. We have a tasting set up with Option #1 for week after next. I hope and pray that they will be satisfactory, still available, and willing to make a cake. But I'm not really stressing about it, because I realized that I just fundamentally don't care whether we have a fantastic caterer or not. I want good-tasting food, yes, but that's really my only requirement, and good-tasting food can be procured any number of ways, so there's nothing to freak out about. If it's that important to my mom, she can make it happen.

Family stuff is largely unchanged. I rarely hear from my parents, I presume because they are busy with work and visiting my grandfather. They're hard to reach because they're never home and never turn on their cell phone (they just have a Trac Fone for emergencies). I've kind of stopped trying. That probably makes me a bad daughter.

Matt's mom is much the same. It's a very painful situation for everyone involved. Please continue to pray.

Can't wait to go to bed early tonight! Haha. I miss being home. Gulliver misses me being home, too. :)

Real quick

2009-09-13T22:50:00.000-05:00

I was going to post a (hopefully funny) post about buying my new purse, and maybe I still will, but not tonight.

Right now I just need to ask for prayer. For me, for my family, and especially for Matt. For me, just that I can get centered and hold onto God and His truths right now-- nobody should have to deal with me wigging out right now, but I think Satan is definitely cashing in on my vulnerability and doubts at the moment. I need to be able to help those around me, and I just feel like I need too much, myself.

Health stuff for my family-- I found out this weekend that my mom's been passing out a lot more than usual lately, but she insists that everything is fine and won't go get checked and hasn't been telling me about it (I heard this from my brother). Grandpa's still in the hospital.

For Matt, that he can have the wisdom and strength and support he needs to deal with some really difficult situations. I can't really talk about the details here, but God will know what is needed. Thanks. :)

Stopping to appreciate the roses

2009-09-10T09:34:00.001-05:00

It is so easy to take things for granted.

I was reading the (In)Courage post, "An Indefinable Word," this morning, and I realized that I am exactly like that girl-- like most of us, I'd imagine. The things I hope for and believe will solve all of my problems change with time, but I'm always hoping for something, waiting for something, and (even though I know better) believing that if I can just hold on until this happens, everything will be completely awesome.

Three and a half years ago, I pretty much thought that having a good job that I loved in a great location and getting married to a great guy would be It. All I'd need. Would fix everything. I'd have nothing more to worry about, because those two big things were all taken care of.

And here I am, and I have those, and I still freak out all of the time. I've developed new problems to fret about. Some of them are legitimately terrifying, some of them not so much, but there's always something. As my best friend says, "Things don't get better or worse. They just get different." While I'm not sure that's completely true, I think that there is a lot to it.

But anyway, here I am, with an interesting, challenging, ever-changing job that I love, in a great area, with an adorable cat, and there's this sparkly diamond on my hand from a completely amazing guy who loves me beyond sense. Despite everything that I wish were different, I need to stop and be careful not to take those wonderful things for granted. There was a time not so very long ago that I would have done almost anything to be exactly here right now-- and that is so easy to forget. :)

They feed us LIES! :)

2009-09-07T14:57:00.001-05:00

I struggle with the whole blog thing sometimes—like lately. Blogs are so public, you know; you’re spilling your guts out there for anyone and everyone to see. You can either be comfortable with that, you can project a fake image, or you can… not blog. I don’t like working out my issues on a global stage, I detest lying, and that pretty much leaves not blogging. So I’ve been absent.

But, in a nutshell… Being engaged hasn’t exactly been all it’s cracked up to be. I wasn’t really expecting it to be great, but I didn’t think it would suck quite this much. If I’d known, I probably wouldn’t have been so impatient to get the ring on my finger. :) I can’t tell if it’s just that being engaged is kind of sucky no matter what, or if all of the external circumstances are making it that way.

The outside circumstances, briefly: My dad’s dad has been in the hospital for a couple of months now with colon problems. My dad had to make the call that they should do surgery to take the problem portion out, but the surgery led to an infection that has had Grandpa basically fighting for his life ever since. So Dad’s beating himself up about that, even though the surgery had to be done. We don’t believe Grandpa’s a Christian, so that makes it that much harder. My parents have been making the drive up to see him about every other day, and the hospital is a good hour plus away from their house, so they’re worn down. I’ve only been up once, and honestly, the main reason for that is that Grandpa and I have never been close. But I feel guilty sometimes.

Matt’s mom is doing poorly, and we’re worried about his sister, too. I can’t really get into the details here, but let’s just say that it’s primarily falling onto Matt’s shoulders to deal with his mother’s situation, and it’s an extraordinarily difficult one. We’re both worried and sad and don’t really know what to do. I don’t think anyone would.

September and October are the busiest two months of the year for me at work, and they also happen to be football season for Matt, too. In good news, his team won their first game (at home) 47-0 on Friday, so that was fun. But we’re both very busy and a little stressed about those things right now.

And on top of this, we’re trying to plan a wedding. It’s not going so hot. He and I both want a no-frills ceremony with a casual picnic after. Sounds simple enough to pull off, but not once my mother got ahold of it. Somehow I wasn’t prepared for how she has reacted to everything. I should have been. Intellectually I knew that she would react sort of like this, but I really didn’t think that her criteria for selecting a caterer would be all about what kind of skirting they could provide for a gift table and have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not the food is edible. I also thought that once she said “Oh, no, it doesn’t make sense to plan the whole menu around Dad being a picky eater” that she wouldn’t spend the next 35 minutes asking “Are there onions in that? Can you make it without?” about every dish in the package.

All of the wedding arguments wouldn't be so bad, except that I didn’t want any of this in the first place. What I want has never factored into this equation. What I wanted was to get married with about 10 people there, not 10 times that many. What I wanted was to get married without a bunch of flashbulbs popping in my face. What I wanted was to NOT spend 9 months of my life in tears, chewing on Tums and waking up in panic attacks in the middle of the night. What I wanted was to say to heck with what the aunts think.

Of course, like every other couple, now that a bunch of deposits have been made and it’s too late, Matt and I have started seriously saying “we should have just run off.” We actually discussed it before we committed to the whole wedding deal. We decided that the benefits of having people celebrate with us would (slightly) outweigh the misery of making it happen. Right now I just honestly can’t remember what any of those benefits were!

Why is it so hard to remember why I’m doing this? I just can’t quite believe that on the other side I get to live with Matt and see him every day and be married. All I see is a mountain of to-dos that I resent because I don’t enjoy them, they build up to something I don’t want, and I think they’re unnecessary. It’s easier for him to remember the point of it all, which is good, because he can remind me. But I wish I could be happy about some of this.

Let's make something simple really complicated.

2009-08-24T18:10:00.002-05:00

I apologize now for something that I can already tell is starting to happen.

I am becoming one of Those Engaged Girls who can't talk about anything except her stupid wedding. I'm really sorry. If it helps, know that I resent practically every moment that I have to pour into this production (except possibly the time spent picking out cute shoes and a cool head thingy to wear). I'm going to be talking about it because it is now the major annoyance of my life. Please don't tell me to grin and bear it, or to suck it up, and please, please, PLEASE don't tell me to "not stress." I hate it when people say that to me. Blog-ranting about the things that annoy me is how I deal. :)

Anyway, progress has been made, praise be. We have a date, a location, and a minister. I have a dress, shoes and backup shoes, and a thingy to wear on my head. On Saturday, we booked a photographer and a florist. Tomorrow I am going to call a caterer and hopefully make an appointment which hopefully Matt, Mom, and I will all be able to attend so that we actually have something to feed all of these people that I have to invite against my will. I think this is pretty good progress for having been engaged for 3 1/2 weeks.

Part of me half-heartedly wishes that I had jumped on Matt's half-hearted offer to elope, made right at the very beginning of this whole debacle. Somehow it just didn't feel right to me, much as the simplicity of it and lack of crowd did appeal. I knew what I was in for.

My parents are getting bent much farther out of shape about this whole thing than I think is justified. The park has lots of benches, okay. During the summer, they're set up in the grass right in front of the stage that we're intending to use for the ceremony. During the off-season, they're stacked up right next to it in the pavilion that we'll have rented for the reception. My solution to the Grandma-can't-stand-for-the-ceremony dilemma is to drag 5 to 10 chairs from the building and/or grab a couple of those benches and stick them out there on the stage, and let all of the not-old people stand for the 10 minutes it will take to seal the deal. No muss, no fuss. But for some reason my parents are insisting that we have to rent 30 chairs from who-knows-where and put those out there so the aunts and uncles can sit, too. Never mind that, once again, there are perfectly good benches already right there. Never mind that the average person stands longer than this in the checkout line at the grocery store every week.

Also, there are two little bridges over the water onto the stage. One is located at the end of the sidewalk that Dad and I will be walking down, and it would put me exactly where I will need to be standing for the ceremony. I think, yay, straight shot, no horrific aisle-walk. Mom says, oh no, you have to walk all the way down along the shore for the entire length of the stage to the other bridge and then walk up the middle of the stage between everybody so everyone can see you. Never mind that they will see me coming for a good 20 yards from the car down the hill to the water and then across the little bridge to the stage. Never mind that it's going to be tough to squeeze this many people onto the stage to begin with and that we could really use the extra seating/standing space where the center aisle would be. Never mind that my idea of the Worst Day Ever is getting stared at by 100 people, most of whom I either don't know or don't like.

Those are the two things that are bugging me most at the moment. Of course, Mom is also completely obsessed with helium balloons and is unable to move past the fact that she hasn't yet worked out every last detail of the logistics of how she's going to manage to get 50 helium-filled balloons tied to candles and stuck on tables by 11:30 in the morning (apparently I am a thoughtless person for wanting to get married before lunch). Dad doesn't think that it's worth $51.50 for them to spend the night before the wedding at the Super 8 Motel, 4 miles from the park, when they could stay at home and drive an hour and a half before dawn to get to the ceremony site, while transporting all of these balloons and candles and gosh-knows what else in a Toyota Corolla. It seems to also be inconsiderate of me to not yet know where Matt and I will be living after the wedding, which, have I mentioned, is still over 8 months away? They want to know where I'll be getting ready. I'll be getting ready in my new living room, okay, which will almost certainly be in the town 15 minutes down the road. Isn't that detailed enough for now?

So that's where we are right now! :) I will get to talk to Matt for 10 minutes a day during the week (if I'm lucky) and see him on either Saturday or Sunday afternoons (if I'm lucky) until football season is over at the end of October. I forgot how much of his life football sucks up. I'm glad that he's getting to do something that he loves so much, but I worry about him because he gets up at 5:00 and works a 9-hour day with a 3-hour practice thrown in with it, and that's just an awful lot for one person. I miss him. But it's temporary. And someday, if I can just remember this, at the end of all of these to-dos and obligations and mauling hugs and family politics, I think I get to live with him and see him every day. It'll be worth it. I just hope I can stay sane until then. :)

Blog is NOT moving

2009-08-11T10:49:00.003-05:00

Hey folks--

Disregard that post that I deleted about the blog moving. I figured out how to link the new account to the blog, after all.

Go on about your regularly-scheduled lives. :)

Um... news. Good news. :)

2009-07-31T21:22:00.001-05:00

Now that the immediate family has all been notified, I can proclaim it to the interwebs-- Matt and I got engaged last night!

I'm on my home computer, which makes typing a huge pain, but in brief: He was going to propose tonight on a hike, but he was so anxious and impatient at work yesterday that he decided to do it a day before he had originally planned. He showed up at my place right as I got home from work and insisted that I go change into hiking gear because we were going hiking right that very minute. I pointed out that it was raining, and he said it didn't matter.

He wouldn't tell me where we were going, but after over half an hour drive back past his place, he turned onto a state forest road and told me that we were hiking about half a mile back a trail his buddy had told him about to a rock overlook. It had stopped raining by that time, but that didn't help with the fact that there were no signs and no maps to be found.

So we ended up wandering around in circles on various trails for about an hour. We finally gave up due to hunger. Poor guy. We were almost back to the car when he stopped me and started his speech and then went down on one knee... in the parking lot. I jumped on him to hug him and he just yelled "Ow!! Gravel in my knee! Get off!"

So, um, maybe not romantic or according to plan, but effective. :) We haven't set a date yet, but we're tentatively thinking casual, outdoors, possibly April or July, and probably as small as we can go without offending too much family.

It's so surreal... This is one of those things that other people do but that you never really expect to do, yourself. But it's good. :)

Annoyed

2009-07-20T16:06:00.001-05:00

I was looking at an article on Today's Christian Woman a little bit ago. I usually don't find what I'm hoping to find, but I usually find something worth reading.

There was an ad on the left-hand side for one of Eric & Leslie Ludy's books. The tagline? "A Happily Ever After... Worth Waiting For." The word "waiting" was ever-so-slightly emphasized. I almost snorted up my mocha.

See, back in the day, oh, the mid-90's, my mom subscribed me to New Attitude magazine, a project of Josh Harris's (he of kissing-dating-goodbye fame). Focus on the Family's magazine for girls, Brio, was too worldly for my parents' taste, so they substituted this quarterly piece of homeschooling fundamentalism. And the first issue that I got had an article about... wait for it... courtship! It reviewed two books, one of which was the Ludys' first.

So why did I snort up my mocha today?

I knew from the article (I freely admit that I've never read their books) that Leslie Ludy was EIGHTEEN on her wedding day. If by "waiting" they mean "wait until you're both legally old enough to be married without special permission from the Clerk of the Orphans' Court," then, yes, I guess they waited. But I think it's pretty rich to equate their experience with those of the average young adult Christian. I also think it's pretty rich that they're setting themselves up, or are being set up, as experts on waiting when they did so little of it compared to many of those they're preaching to.

/rant

Things that are making me happy right now

2009-07-14T13:38:00.001-05:00

* The sunshine!

* My hot-pink toenail polish

* Bath & BodyWorks Velvet Tuberose body lotion and body splash

* Air 1

* The $50 American Eagle gift card in my wallet

* Cinnamon Orbit gum

* The super-comfy work tee I'm wearing today

* I just found out that B. Moss is coming back (sorta)!

* The citrus-green that I'm using in my PowerPoint template

* The bright yellow water bottle that I'm sure is leeching awful things into my daily water... I don't care.

* The map to a new hiking trail that I'm going to check out on Friday

Because they keep promising me summer...

2009-07-09T13:25:00.004-05:00

We haven't seen much summer around here. There was a very brief flash of it in early June, but since then, it's been sweatshirt or even light-jacket weather! And dreary. Very dreary. Which makes me dreary.

So I'm going to take a break, sip my lemon herbal tea, and look at these pictures instead of the overcast view out the window:

I took this last summer, in San Diego, when I hiked down to the beach after Immersion ended.

A bunch of brave little sunflowers that I bought at Walmart on my way to work Tuesday morning.

Tomorrow is supposed to be beautiful, and I have it off (working Saturday), so I'm hoping to throw some laundry in, get to the grocery store early, and spend the rest of the day out by the pool! Woohoo!

Be thankful!

2009-06-30T14:28:00.001-05:00

I don't normally go for these kinds of things, but this one really struck me. From http://www.indianchild.com/thoughts_for_life.htm

BE THANKFUL

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary, because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.

A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

Weekends go by so quickly...

2009-06-29T16:22:00.001-05:00

I don't understand how 6:00 PM Friday to 8:00 PM Sunday can fly by so much more rapidly than any other 50-hour time block in my week.

It's not that I don't like my job. I love my job. I just don't like the adrift feeling that I get during the week. I think that I need more structure within my weeks. I stay plenty busy with working out and, occasionally, cleaning or such in the evenings, but there's really nothing to anchor my activities around. It's just marking time until I get to see Matt on Friday nights, and that gets long. The only people that I see during the week who know my name are my coworkers, and they're great, but there's nothing outside of work to keep me centered at all.

I need to get back into being involved at a Bible study. I miss it like crazy. They're starting up a 6-week one for "20-Somethings" at my church next week, and I think I'm going to give it a taste-test, though apparently what they actually meant by "20-Somethings" was "college-age people who are home for the summer." We'll see. Our church only starts up regular Bible studies in late August, to coincide with the beginning of the school year and to run throughout until late May or early June, so I have a couple of months until I can get into a real one again.

I just feel restless today. I want to go sit on a rock beside a river and breathe in the sent of whitewater. Too bad that the closest rapids I know of are an hour's drive away.

The weekend was great. Matt and I had dinner at Joel & Abbi's house, and after that the four of us went mini-golfing and then hit a basket of balls at a driving range. Then we came back and another couple came over and we all played Quelf (lots of fun). Saturday I spent at the Ligonier Beach while Matt worked, and then we went to my parents' for dinner. We saw Transformers 2 on Sunday afternoon. It was all so fun, but it just went by at about 90 miles an hour. I miss hanging out with friends, but I get so little time with Matt that it's hard to give up any of the one-on-one time we do have. I can't wait until we're not constantly being pulled in two directions by my place/his place. Sigh.

Maybe I need a little trip to Target. That usually helps when I'm in this state of mind... something about the smell of the store and the way everything is laid out just tends to soothe me, somehow... but it doesn't tend to help my checking account! :o)

In which I once again conclude that I should just relax

2009-06-24T14:21:00.000-05:00

This is probably not going to come as a terrible shock to anyone who knows me, but I am, well, just not a very Zen person. I am actually much more of a neurotic person. I get way too stressed out about things that are unlikely to happen, and about things that may possibly happen but that I can't do anything about anyway, and about things that I am doing that I'm afraid I should be doing better. I read stuff that tells me to enjoy the little things, to savor the moment, to relax and let be, and I try. I really do. But I'm pretty Type-A by nature, and the thing is that you can change some of your habits and behaviors, but you cannot ultimately change who you fundamentally are. And I seem to be fundamentally a basket case. :)

Anyway, that's a random thought that has been spurred by my worriness the last couple of days. I had ordered Matt's birthday gift quite a while ago, and according to the website, I should have received a shipping confirmation email at LEAST a week and a half ago. His birthday is July 7th, and the gift was coming from California, and there's a holiday weekend coming up, and I was getting nervous about whether or not the gift was going to arrive in time. My email inquiry Monday got an auto-bounceback response. My voicemail inquiry Tuesday was unreturned. The blog on the seller's website was full of phrases like "make realistic to do lists (it doesn't all have to get done today!)" which are, of course, so very comforting when you are hoping that she DOES do something today, like send you the item she charged your credit card for a month ago!

So I've been fretting and fussing and checking my "spam account" that I use for ordering stuff. I've been checking websites of stores that we have in the mall, trying to come up with a fallback gift plan. I checked the Better Business Bureau's website for the procedures to report somebody for not delivering promised goods, and I starting coming up with my scheme for getting a refund if I didn't receive a response or the gift SOON.

And then it arrived in the mail this morning, and it's perfect. And in the box with it was a coupon for $20 off my next order.

So why couldn't I, as my co-worker was advising me yesterday, just not worry and trust that it would be here? Why did I have to work myself up and get upset and spend two days unnecessarily anxious, creating elaborate fallback plans with fallback plans behind those? Especially when I could probably pick up a rock off the ground and give it to Matt and he'd be thrilled just because he loves me and would love anything I gave him?

That's just one example of my life in general. Some people are so calm and effortlessly centered. Why am I always in a tizzy over something? And how do I stop? In my last couple of doctor visits, the word "anxiety" seemed to keep popping up. I'm a Christian, right, so I'm supposed to have all of this faith and trust in God, and I'm supposed to be okay with Him being in control, and I'm supposed to be ever-aware that He is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent, and that "all things work together for good to those who love" Him (Rom. 8:28, NKJV). So why is that so freakin' hard, and why am I such a control freak? I don't want to control everything. I'm not very good at it. I just want to be constantly and ongoingly assured that Someone else is controlling everything and that it's going to be okay. I want hourly Twitter updates from God telling me that He's got it under control, so chill. I feel like a bad Christian with a fake faith. I don't want to be like that.

I think that I'm going to use that $20 discount to order a really pretty necklace on the website. I'm going to have it stamped "be still & know that I am God" (Ps. 46:10) to remind me of this whole incident and the lesson that it holds.

In other news... I did actually just return from vacation! It was great, and helped me unwind (!) a lot. Matt and I took the train out to New York City for a couple of days and stayed with Mike and Jacquie. We wandered all around midtown Manhattan on Sunday and had a great time. On Tuesday, we went to Sandcastle (got lost on the way, yet another chance for me to freak far out of proportion to the stressor) and we had a gorgeous day for it. On Wednesday, I had bloodwork done, we did laundry, he changed the spark plugs in his car, and we got hit with a big nasty thunderstorm that knocked out my power for 24 hours. Thursday, we took his mom to the doctor's, and that afternoon we went to a driving range to hit golf balls. Friday we took a day trip to a baseball bat factory, and Saturday and Sunday we just chilled at my apartment because the weather sucked.

The weather's lovely now. I'm hoping to hit the pool later. And do Pilates. Hey, if Pilates and yoga are so similar, and yoga is so soothing, and I do Pilates so much, how can I still be such a spaz?! I don't get it. :)

Today Show looks at libraries!

2009-06-11T13:08:00.001-05:00

This was on this morning, as I was getting ready to go to work. I love it!

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

My own personal brand of paranoia

2009-05-27T12:29:00.001-05:00

I have an unnatural aversion to the circulatory system.

I've had it my whole life. I blame the fact that my father's family has a history of heart disease-- nothing extreme, I now realize, but it was always in the forefront of my grandma's mind, and I absorbed that early. Most of my extended family on my dad's side makes frequent pilgrimages to the family "heart doctor," and the updates on those visits formed much of the conversation during Sunday and holiday visits.

Anyway, my particular neurosis is a bit unusual in that the sight of blood doesn't bother me much more than it does the average person. I mean, there are certainly things that I'd rather look at, but most of the time a small amount of blood doesn't phase me. What REALLY bothers me is TALKING about the circulatory system. Arteries, valves, capillaries-- just typing those words makes me cringe. Why? I have no idea, but it's been like that for years. I almost got up and walked out of the lecture about blood, etc., in my human biology class in college, and I remember having a rough time in middle school when Mom was reading us the thrilling tales of Inspector Bodyguard Patrols the Land of U (which were awesome, by the way) when he had to surf through the blood vessels. Eeeeeewwww. I hate that phrase ("blood vessels"). Shudder. Oddly, hacking up a deer heart as a dissection project didn't bother me nearly as much as just reading about... those.

Most of the time I can deal (after all, how often do you really talk about this in everyday conversation?), but every once in a while, it surfaces in a bizarre kind of anxiety attack in which I am seized by the irrational conviction that my heart is going to stop beating at any second, or that a blood clot is going to break loose in my calf and kill me. I've been having trouble getting to sleep lately because I keep thinking about it when I lie down in bed at night. I woke up at 4:50 this morning, completely terrified, because my subconscious had decided that I needed to be awake so I could forcibly keep my heart beating (which is stupid, anyway, as the heart is an involuntary muscle). It took me an hour and a half to get back to sleep. I have been annoyingly aware of every beat my heart has made all morning.

I'm not exactly sure what to do about this. I seriously doubt that my heart is planning to spontaneously quit anytime soon. The odds of me having a blood clot lurking somewhere, waiting to strike, are fairly slim. I think my terror is made worse by the fact that a friend of mine DID die in her sleep, with no warning, from a heart condition in my senior year of college, and my grandpa did have a stroke from a blood clot. Of course, Jen's dad had the condition that killed her (they just hadn't thought to check her for it), and Grandpa had been bedridden for weeks after hip surgery and had disobeyed a lot of doctors' orders throughout his recovery, so those were not completely random incidents.

I keep telling myself that. I also run a good bit (need to do more) and do Pilates a lot, so I'm in shape. I'm trying to drink more water and green tea. I listen to soothing, upbeat music most of the time, and I'm working on my spiritual life. I think I need to get back to doing my mini-relaxing exercises throughout the day, though. I remember that they helped a ton with my anxiety stuff in the past, though that was more generalized and not usually so fixated on the inside of my chest. I should also schedule my annual check-up, just to let the doc take a listen and see that he's not concerned about what he hears going on in there. It's worth a shot... otherwise I'm going to drive myself nuts, holding one hand to my chest and deep-breathing all of the time. :)

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled life

2009-05-26T09:54:00.001-05:00

Sigh. Memorial Day weekend was (mostly) lovely. I spent a lot of it in the car, a lot of it asleep, and almost all of it in places that were greener and fresher and quieter than Greensburg. Jacquie was in to see her family on Friday, and she and I got to meet up at the mall and have girl-time (I never get to go to the mall with a girl) and then drove out to her parents' beautiful new house for steak and fun times with the golden retrievers.

Saturday I got to work out, fuss over the cat, and go out to watch the Pens game with Matt at the house where he was dog-sitting a pair of (very fat) labs. I absolutely adore that house-- and, yes, I am allowed to be there when he dog-sits-- it's so secluded and restful. I love being able to listen to the breeze or the rain in the leaves and to know that there aren't going to be loud neighbors or phone calls from upset patrons (or anyone, for that matter, since it's a dead zone for cell service). We can just sit on the porch swing and relax. A lot of people have to pay through the nose for the same experience at a B&B somewhere.

On Sunday, we went to a church in Ligonier that we hadn't tried before. Well, correction: Matt and been there before, but that had been a couple of years ago, before they got a new pastor. We seldom go to church in Ligonier, and when we do, we usually go to the same Presbyterian church, but we decided to mix it up this time. It was hysterical. Everyone in there was about a thousand years old, for starters, except for the 12-year-old acolyte and about four kids under the age of six. Matt was the only man in the sanctuary who was not wearing a suit. There was a couple in the pew in front of us who really put it over the top; the woman had medium-length gray hair, coke-bottle glasses in thick, black plastic frames, and a strange hat with the brim flipped up oddly in the back. She spent the entire service holding a bulletin two inches from her nose-- at an angle. Next to her was the man I presume to be her husband; he spent the entire service with his head tilted back, eyes closed, mouth open. I have seen corpses, lying in coffins, who were more animated than this man.

Then there was the reader, who was completely flummoxed by the New Testament readings being from 1 John and the Gospel of John. We all got to sit there for about three minutes while she sorted that one out.

The sermon did not have a Scripture text, barely mentioned God, and did not reference Jesus at all. Okay, so it was Memorial Day, but still. The pastor's prayer thanked God for all of the soldiers who had given their lives for our country-- "The 8,000 who died in the War of the Revolution; and also, Lord, for the 2,260 who gave their lives in the War of 1812, and for the..." and so on. He mentioned every war our country has ever fought, and he gave the death toll for each and every one. He broke down the Civil War stats into Union and Confederate dead, making sure to remind God that our figures for the South were inexact, but this was our best guess. He included Grenada and the 7 or so people who died there (I don't remember all of the numbers).

At this point, Matt and I just wanted out before we exploded from trying to contain our laughter. But, oh, we had one final hymn, and then the benediction, given by the same lady who had read the John passages. During the hymn, she stood directly in front of one of the projectors, completely obliterating the words on the screen, but giving a very nice silhouette image of her head. She seemed to be unaware that she had a blinding blue light shining into her left eye.

We staggered back to Matt's apartment and collapsed on his couch and laughed for about 10 minutes before we were finally able to get up and make lunch and get on with our day.

I went down to my parents' place for the afternoon, while he went back to the doggies. My folks went up to the lake to have dinner with Dad's family. It would have been better if it had been 15 degrees warmer, but you can't have everything, I guess. It gets a little tedious for me because I don't play volleyball; I'm not sure how long they're going to let me stay in the family before they kick me out for my adamant refusal to play. :) They keep insisting that I don't have to be any good, which is sort of a backhanded insult, if you think about it, and I keep insisting that I just don't want to play because I don't enjoy it. I think that we are at an impasse.

Monday was Dad's birthday, so Grandma and Papa came down and Matt came down and we had a fire and grilled burgers and it was fun. Matt and I had to go our separate ways from there, but we managed to talk on the phone most of our respective trips home, so that lessened the pain of separation a bit. At least it's a short week.

It's deluging again. I always think back to the time that I looked up the statistics and discovered that Pittsburgh has more overcast days than Seattle. They get more rainfall, but in between, the sun comes out. We're just socked in and drizzly all of the time, with occasional bouts of downpour mixed in. Oh, well... I don't mind too much. It's summer, so I get good parking spaces at work. :)

Whew

2009-05-11T14:38:00.001-05:00

The '08-'09 academic year has officially ended. I got a spot in the good lot today and got an even better one when I got back from my lunch time errand. I love summers on campus. :) I'm still anxious about the workshop on Friday, but overall I am optimistic. I have TIME to actually prepare for it! What a concept.

The weekend was good. Friday was CRAAAAZZZEEE at work, what with baccalaureate and everyone bringing all of their books back and stuff, WHILE the security alarms were being rigged and tested, but Matt and I went out that night to watch the Pens game, and that was good. Saturday, after commencement, we went to the mall for a couple of things (I got the cutest dress to wear to that wedding this Saturday and to my cousin's bridal shower later this summer), and saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine at the theater. It was awesome (though I have some interesting thoughts about the superpowers of the X women in all of the movies). Sunday, after church, we went to Kennywood with my brother, and that was a blast, too, despite the fact that it was only 60 degrees. I've never seen so many people in sweats and jackets at an amusement park, but it was sunny and lines weren't bad and we had a lovely time... except when Matt and I lost Caleb for about half an hour.

Now that the frenzy of finals is over, I get some time to think. I have been trapped in a spiral of negativity and fretting lately, and I want to do something about that. I really miss being involved in a Bible study, but my church only really starts those up at the beginning of the school year, and because they are so rigorous, you can't really pick one up at other times. They don't do much in the way of actual studies over the summer, anyway.

Matt said that he wants us to start doing devotions together on a regular basis, which I'm really excited about. I think that it'll be a very good thing, but we'll see how it goes.

I also want to take some time this summer and do things that are worthwhile. I feel like I have been so sucked into the "just stay afloat and get it done" mentality lately, and I want to take a few deep breaths and start to live my life in a deliberate and appreciative way again. I want to put some thought into my meals, knit, go for walks outside, and read positive books that will uplift me or make me think. I'm currently re-reading Boundaries, which is still an excellent book, and then I have the summer reading book that we'll be discussing with the freshmen in the fall. I also just ordered a copy of Elizabeth Edwards' new book, because she seems like a lady who has been through an awful lot and has done it graciously.

I don't want to get all caught up in the "do it yourself spirituality" mentality, but I do think that I need to look at how my life is and how it has been in the past when I was much closer to God, and then I have to take steps to return to that way of living. Hopefully this will be a start. It's hard to hear a still, small voice when you're surrounding yourself with a cacophony of worries. :)

Slightly anxious ramblings

2009-04-23T11:46:00.000-05:00

Sorry I never blog anymore. I'm sure that you're just heartbroken... but I hate abandoning something that I've been doing for quite a while. Also, blogs are the only way that I keep in touch with a few of you, and I do value your friendships more than that mode of communication might indicate!

We're gearing up for the big push to commencement at work. Attendant upon that are all of the graduating students who are upset because I am making them pay their fines, the pressure of trying to throw an awesome two-night finals-week study party, and the fact that the southwest chapter of the Pennsylvania Library Association is having the annual spring workshop at SHU one week after graduation and that I am the default facilities coordinator since I work here and am on the SW PaLA planning committee. I'm a wee bit anxious that I'm going to lose a half-dozen librarians somewhere in one of the labyrinthine hallways, or that something will get snarled up and none of the presenters will be able to log in and use Power Point, or that someone is going to go into cardiac arrest while climbing the stairwell up to the fourth floor classrooms, or that the vending machines will be out of water and diet pop and the diabetics will be upset during the afternoon break because we are serving punch that contains sugar.

So I will be a happy girl on May 16th, when this will all be behind me and Matt and I will be driving out to Ohio for a wedding of one of his college friends (who certainly seem to have taken a more leisurely approach to getting hitched than MY college friends did).

I'm looking forward to summer. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it, but I can't wait until it gets here. I'm not booked solid like I was last year, so I'm excited about having some time to do the things I enjoy without flying all over the country and attending endless bridal showers and weddings. I have that one wedding to attend in May, and I will probably have a bridal shower for my cousin in August or so, but other than that, I'm pretty free. I'm hoping for lots of time out at the pool, lots of hikes and walks and running outside, lots of cookouts in the park, that kind of thing.

Oh, so how much would everyone despise me if I bought the blue cargo jacket that Bella wears in the Twilight movie? I thought it was really cute, and I found it online, but... seriously. Is that crossing a line that nobody over the age of 17 1/2 should cross? I don't want it because it was in the movie... I want it because I like it... but then I'll look like a mindless ninny who will buy anything with "Team Edward" or Robert Pattinson's face stamped on it. But if I DON'T buy it just because I don't want to conform, then I'm still basing my choice around mainstream trends. So I really can't win!

Who ordered snow?!

2009-04-07T14:16:00.000-05:00

Can I just say that it's really weird when guys who asked me out once upon a time get married? It's happened several times, but each time, it's just weird. In all of the cases that come to mind, I was very much not interested and squelched things before the boys could get their hopes off the ground. It's interesting to look at the girls they end up with and then wonder what the common factor between her and me is... you know, what attracted him to me and then later to her. Usually I cannot find one. :) It's always good to see that they wound up with people who are great for them and that they're happy to have found someone who was actually a good fit. But a part of me always wonders what would have happened if, against my better judgment, I'd said yes and gone out with them for a while. Would they still have ended up with the same girl, or would it have altered the timeline of their lives significantly enough that they wouldn't have been available or interested at the proper time? Butterfly effect and all that. Anyway, it always makes me glad that I said no!

I had to clear two inches of snow off of my car this morning. I was and am completely disgusted. I had to wear my winter coat and hat and gloves and scarf to work. It's a week into April!

I don't know if it's the lousy weather or other stuff, but I'm just having a down day. It's one of those days where you see that a Facebook acquaintance who is engaged just found the apartment that they're going to move into when they get married and that a couple from their church is GIVING them a honeymoon to Hilton Head. And then, Easter and I have never exactly gotten along, so I'm a little anxious about it, too. Broken arms, chicken pox, strep throat and a subsequent allergic reaction to penicillin... Easter and I have a rocky history.

It's just one of those days when I wonder if, on the rosy, cloudy shore where all of the little infant souls assemble before being launched into the world, there was a "charmed life" queue and a "suck it up" queue... and I stupidly lined up in the wrong one. :)

Eh. I've been very blessed, my life is great, and I know that. I'm just in a grump today. Sorry... I'll cheer up soon.

I'm still alive...

2009-04-03T11:45:00.000-05:00

I've been intending to post something for days now... and I finally have the time to do it and am staring at a blank white box with an utter lack of anything to say. What was I going to talk about, again?

Hm, what is new? Well. Last weekend Matt and I were good and visited family. His grandma was celebrating her 83rd birthday, so we met up with a good portion of his family at a restaurant and then processed to his grandma's house for cake and ice cream. I think they like me. His grandma welcomed me with a hug, his aunt called "Hi Kelly!" to me from the far end of the table, and not one person called me "Bethany" (his brother's girlfriend, who is often talked of but is rarely seen and who happens to be blonde) all day. It was overall a pretty nice visit, though he and I are both always exhausted after an extended period of small talk and chit-chat with large groups of people we don't know really well.

We went to hang out with my grandparents after church on Sunday, which was kind of the complete opposite experience. We just sat around and talked for hours, because I have the coolest grandparents ever and we love just hanging out with them. I honestly have more fun talking to them than I do talking to most people my age (i.e., half a century younger than they are).

In between weekends, I pretty much just work and work out and try to keep my apartment from becoming a health hazard. The Pilates DVDs I ordered on Amazon came on Tuesday, but I've only gotten to work through one of them. I was honestly not too impressed with it... the instructor goes much faster than I would like, and I find her voice a little annoying. I also need more reminders to maintain proper form. So I'm hoping that the other two DVDs are a little more to my liking. If not, I might just buy a copy of the one that I borrowed from the public library that I really liked; it has lots of suggestions for how to keep everything properly aligned, so I could work that into the mix to help keep me doing the other ones correctly. I love Pilates. My body really is starting to shape up better than it's ever been in my life; there's some definition to my stomach now (!!!!), my arms and legs are looking their best ever, and a stronger back seriously makes every task of everyday life (e.g., carrying groceries up three flights of stairs) sooo much easier. Yay Pilates.

I'm trying to update the background and color of this blog, but MySpace is being stupid and won't let me. I redid my profile page, though. It took me a long time to embrace the 2.0 layout, but I kinda like it now.

Sunday nights are the bluest

2009-03-22T20:14:00.000-05:00

LeeAnn's visit was good. We went to Pittsburgh to hang out on Wednesday. We rode the Monongahela incline and then spent the rest of the afternoon in the Strip, which was a good time. The two sad parts of the day were when I got in trouble with the law and a store owner.

I was pulled over IN FRONT OF MY PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT because they set up a construction zone there on Monday and I forgot to turn my headlights on when I entered the work area. For this, I must pay $109.50. Let me repeat that: because I forgot to turn my headlights on for 150 yards in a work zone on the brightest, sunniest day in the history of Pennsylvania springs, I must pay $109.50, while the minivan that had tried to turn the WRONG WAY ON A ONE-WAY STREET and almost wrecked into at least 6 other vehicles 2 minutes earlier got off scot-free. Oh, and the Buick that was in front of me the next day that drove right through a red light will never get pulled over, either. I'm a little bitter. I'm also annoyed because we tried to go to the magistrate's office to pay the citation on Thursday, but the office was locked up and dark and had no sign indicating the hours of operation, so I get to go back tomorrow and hope for the best. Life is not fair.

Oh, I also got yelled at later for taking a picture in a store on the Strip. I was going to delete the picture, but then I decided to keep it. Bad, I know, but she could have been nice instead of nasty when she told me about the itty-bitty sign that was below waist-height and off to the side. Nobody ever sees the sign, she says. Well, then, maybe that should make you think about re-designing and re-positioning it, huh?

Anyway, we went to Ligonier to wander on Thursday, after our trip to the closed magistrate's office. We had a good time. The people in Ligonier didn't yell at us. :) LeeAnn got to meet Matt and we ate Jioio's pizza, which she and her friend loved.

In between, we watched a lot of Gilmore Girls and spent a lot of time reminiscing about college and trading notes gleaned from Facebook about what our former classmates have been up to since graduation. It was great. I put them on the train to NYC on Friday morning, and I hear that they made it back safely, which is good.

I've worked all weekend, which is a little bit of a drag but not really bad. I don't mind working; it's just that I would rather spend the time with Matt. I've gotten to see him a little every day for the last four days, though, which has been happy.

He texted me a little bit ago and told me that his mom says that she can speak in tongues now (he went up to visit her this afternoon). I've always been a little ambivalent about the whole tongues thing. I have never spoken in tongues, and I was raised in the frozen-chosen Baptist tradition; in fact, my parents will tell you flat-out that tongues are from demons and not from God because God stopped doing that after the early days of the church.

I certainly don't go that far (and I don't think that they can really back up that statement with anything in Scripture), but it's not something I've ever been around much, so I don't feel comfortable with the topic, somehow. I certainly don't presume to tell God how He should work out His purposes, and if He chooses to use tongues, well, then, He does and I need to be okay with that. I just have a hard time believing that it's legit. I'm not sure why, but that's always how I react when people start talking about tongues. It's something I'm working on.

In college, I used to occasionally attend a church where apparently people spoke in tongues a lot, but I honestly never noticed. I only knew because my then-boyfriend and roommate told me about it later. I'm not sure how you can be oblivious to something like that... haha. Maybe I have the gift of interpretation?!

Anyway, I tentatively think that this is a good thing for Matt's mother. She's not well, and I think that this could be very encouraging for her and allow her to experience God's presence with her in a very immediate way, which she really needs. In a roundabout way, who knows? It might help us, too, to see something happening when we've been praying for so long. If this is how God wants to answer those prayers... well, it's not what we expected, but that's really beside the point.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2009-03-17T16:09:00.001-05:00

So, are you ready for something that's actually not a survey? Sorry. Surveys are how I relax. You'd be surprised at how many I fill out in their entirety and then delete without posting, actually.

I feel like I should have something exciting to say. The most exciting thing in my life right now is that my friend LeeAnn from college is coming in tonight to stay with me for a couple of days. I haven't seen her since May of 2006, when she accompanied me on my drive back home from Idaho, so I'm excited to see her again after about four years. Wow. I've known her for almost eight years. Crazy. Anyway, she's bringing a friend of hers along, too, and I've managed to get the next two days off of work. I'm not sure what we're going to do, but I'm thinking Duquesne Incline, the Strip, and Primanti's for one day and possibly just hanging out in Ligonier for the other day. But we'll see what they want to do.

Matt and I went to the zoo on Saturday. It was very crowded but also lots of fun. My favorite animals were the sea otters, though we didn't get to look at them very long, and I think his favorites were the gorillas. One of the gorillas was checking him out or giving him the hairy eyeball; we weren't sure which, or which was less disturbing. We also both liked the penguins a lot. I hope that he finally bothers to download his pictures onto his camera and then upload them into an album on Facebook or here. His camera takes such better pictures than mine does... and I spent at least twice as much on mine four years ago as I did on his (though I did get a good Black Friday deal on his). :)

Anyway, I am looking forward to friend time and to a bit of a break from the routine. I like my routine very much, but you just need to shake it up once in a while.

Just when you think you've got it together...

2009-02-19T22:15:00.001-05:00

I was thinking earlier today about how much more "centered" and less worried I've been the last couple of weeks. I've been reading the daily office from The Book of Common Prayer and saying the Lord's Prayer and the collect of the day every night when I go to bed, and I've found it to be very soothing and thought-provoking. Much like Lauren Winner (whose books I **highly** recommend), I find liturgical prayer incredibly helpful. Prayer has always been difficult for me, and it is so freeing to not have to worry so much about what to say or for how long I should say it; the liturgy allows me to focus on the meaning and on the communication with God.

I've also been very good about my exercise lately, and I've been eating pretty well, all things considered, and I've been getting a reasonable amount of sleep, so my body has been fairly harmonious, too.

Anyway, we had SHU's annual "Lunch with Liz" program today, when folks from all branches of the university community are invited to come together for a box lunch, a program about the history of the school and of the Sisters of Charity, and to discuss the mission of the Sisters and of the university and how we play a role in carrying out that mission. We talked a lot about peace-- what it means, how we have it, how we can promote it, why that's difficult, etc. It made me think of how much more peaceful I've been recently than I'd been there for a while.

My day was really hectic, though, and at the very end of the meeting that I had at the very end of the day, somebody said something that got me kind of unsettled and worried again. So much for inner peace! So now I'm trying to remind myself of all of that good stuff I've been focusing on the last couple of weeks.

I've also been mulling around one of my pet peeves this week, though. It was sparked by how the movie Fireproof has been so touted by churches lately. Matt and I went to church in Ligonier this past Sunday, and our friends Joel and Abbi (who got married in May) were recommending it to us. I jokingly asked if we were allowed to watch it, seeing as how we aren't married. Joel and Abbi were confused, and we explained that our church had made it abundantly clear that their screening of the movie was intended for married couples-- and married couples only. Much like the "young couples" Bible study class we'd been so excited about that had turned out to be for married people in their 30's and early 40's-- fill out the sign-up card with how many years you've been married and how many child care slots you'll need!

Now, we go to an awesome church. It's welcoming and biblical and lively and fun and just full of the Holy Spirit. But, if I have one bone to pick with it, it's that it completely ignores anyone who's out of college, under the age of 50, and has never married. This isn't a flaw unique to this congregation, of course, but it's one that bugs me more and more. Ironically, I've noticed it even more since Matt and I started dating and he began attending church with me. I think that we could really benefit from talking to other (older) couples and from being included in the church in a small group setting, but class and presentation descriptions always make it clear that they are for married couples and/or families with children-- and they don't seem to be interested in making exeptions. As Matt says, we're in church limbo; nobody knows what to do with us until we get married, which could be part of the reason that all of the old people who sit in the pews around us keep a very-audible running commentary going about the naked state of my left ring finger.

I did some googling about church discrimination against unmarried people, and I came up with a lot of stuff about churches discriminating against LGBT folks, or about churches' stances against single women and in-vitro fertilization. But I did find this: Being Single: The Joys and Challenges. I thought it was excellent, and I'm not surprised that the only website I could find dealing with the topic was written by a Catholic priest. The Catholic church has a millenia-old tradition of respecting the single life and of serving God as an umarried adult, and that still shows today. I get a lot more respect working at SHU than I would if I were working at a Baptist or Nazarene college as a never-married 25-year-old, that's for sure.

I am just so tired of being treated like a leper or a child just because I didn't meet my soul mate at the age of 20, and I hate the fact that I feel like I need to get married to validate my existence as an adult. I hate the fact that certain people seem to have no interest in my life beyond asking "engaged yet?". I want people to be happy when I get married because they know that we're happy and that God has blessed us hugely, not because I can finally join their super-secret-married-people club and be considered a real person and go to Bible studies. I also have a hunch that the Christian divorce rate might be a little lower if the church would spend a little more time helping us discerningly select our spouses, instead of focusing all of its efforts on couples after they've already made a commitment.

Anyway, I keep tossing around the idea of trying to get a young adults group of some kind started at the church. A group based on age, irrespective of relationship status. I've been thinking about it for a couple of years. Maybe it's time for me to seriously think about trying to make it happen. I know of at least 5 other people in their 20's who attend the church regularly-- one other dating couple, a couple of guys, and a girl who's a year or two younger than I am. That would make 7 of us total, and that's enough to get together for a game night or something. I don't know. I hate organizing stuff, but I also don't like people who complain about a situation but refuse to lift a finger to rectify matters (e.g., me).

Yay weekend

2009-02-16T17:58:00.000-05:00

I hope everybody had a good weekend, whether or not you celebrate February 14th in any fashion (Valentine's Day or Anti-Valentine's Day or Singles' Awareness Day or... Saturday!). My weekend was good. I spent Friday night baking, re-learning how to knit and purl, and watching an epic Gilmore Girls marathon.

Saturday I drove out to Mars to visit my friend Bethany from grad school, who was there for a knitting convention. I had no idea that I was walking into a knitting convention; it was a funny coincidence, because I had determined the night before to get serious about knitting. I used to crochet a ton, but my awful carpal tunnel put an end to that in college, and all of my efforts to start back up again have been foiled by my right wrist. Knitting is a much different motion, and it doesn't seem to be nearly as much of a problem. I can feel my wrist some today, but I DID spend hours upon hours knitting every day all weekend, so I guess a little discomfort is not totally unexpected. I'm making fingerless gloves... or, perhaps, "fingerless mittens" would be more accurate.

Matt was working all day Saturday, but I drove out to his place after visiting Bethany, and we had dinner and watched a movie. We have decided that our Valentine's tradition is going to be frozen pizza and a bottle of wine. We are both very happy about this. I had also found a heart-shaped cake pan at Target, so I made a ginormous heart-shaped brownie and then frosted the heck out of it and decorated it all fun (hint: the decorator frosting in the Redi-Whip-style cans is GREAT!).

Sunday, we went to church in Ligonier because our church was having a report on the mission team's trip to Uganda and we are both quite frankly sick of hearing about the whole thing. After church we had lunch at Joel and Abbi's house and then the four of us went roller skating, which was a lot of fun, if somewhat hazardous for all of the little kids who got in the way of Joel and Matt. :) They came over to Matt's place after dinner for tea and board games.

So, all in all, an excellent weekend. Of course, SHU made national news Sunday when one of our seniors got home from a strip club, totally smashed out of his mind, and got into a standoff with police a few blocks from campus in the wee hours of the morning. He was eventually killed. Fortunately, nobody else was hurt, though I understand that some of the neighbors' houses are now decorated with bullet holes. The school sent out a text alert warning everyone to stay away from campus and to remain indoors around 8 in the morning, but the alert was cleared by 9. As I was in Ligonier, at church, at the time, I missed the whole thing and am completely unharmed, in case anyone was concerned.

Warning: not cheerful

2009-02-06T14:02:00.000-05:00

Just make this week end, already.

Monday the university president sent out a letter to the entire faculty and staff, discussing the school's financial situation in the current economic climate and detailing the definite and possible actions that are being taken and/or considered to deal with that. (We just had a clarification meeting with the provost that has heartened us all up a lot, but for the last four and a half days, we've all been a little anxious.)

Tuesday I found out that my best friend just got laid off. That night I found out that a girl I used to be really good friends with when we were kids was killed in a car accident.

Wednesday the high temperature was about 18 degrees, and it dropped down to a low of about zero that night. Did I mention that Matt was out camping, sleeping in a tent, with a group of clients from work? Up on a mountain? He was. I worried about them freezing their digits solid and having to chop them off in the morning. Everyone survived unscathed, but I worried all night.

Thursday, I read in People that Suze Orman thinks the economy is not going to get better until 2015. That evening, my parents came out to take me to dinner and have a serious life discussion with me. I found out that one of my relatives is separating from her husband. After dinner, we went to the viewing of the girl who died. I cannot get her poor mother's eyes out of my mind. I keep seeing her face over and over at random points throughout the day. It's awful.

Today I am really, really tired because, for some reason, I have not been sleeping well this week! And UPS has been giving me the run-around about a package they are trying to deliver. Their delivery guy could not read the smudged label, so I've been juggling voicemails from the center in New Stanton all day.

Tomorrow is the funeral. Should be an upper, huh?

I want it to be tomorrow night. Or Sunday morning. I think Sunday morning sounds best. I really need church right now. The good part is that it's Friday and the sun is shining. Matt gets home from his football coaches' conference tomorrow, so I'll get to hang out with him tomorrow evening. I really do feel a lot better about the work situation than I did. A couple of my coworkers saw robins earlier this week. So it's not all bleak. I just am very, very tired and really need something hopeful right now.

Let's see those smiles!

2009-01-26T20:37:00.001-05:00

It's hard to be cheery these days. The weather sucks, no matter where you are (with the possible exception of Joy's house near Tampa). Every time you open a browser window, you see headlines about more drastic layoffs. Our work budgets are being cut. It's cold season. It's the end of January, and January seems to be almost universally deplored as the most wretched month of the year. The only good thing that I can think of about January is that my best friend was born in it. Other than that, it's just basically crappy, and despite the fact that Phil won't prognosticate for another week, I'm pretty certain that we're not going to see spring around these-here parts for another two months at the earliest.

Therefore... in the interest of everyone's mental health, here are some things to help us all slog through the cold, dark days of January 2009:

Good news for a change! MSNBC has a Wonderful World page with positive news, or check out Happy News or Good News Daily.

Listen to something encouraging. Two of my favorites are K-Love (you can listen online over any decent internet connection, or find a local station from their website) and the Delilah show (on their find-a-station page they show you which stations offer web broadcasts). K-Love sprinkles Scripture quotes and little devotional thoughtlets throughout the day, and they also constantly remind their listeners that God is in control and loves us. I used to listen to Delilah in the evenings at college while I was doing my homework, and I would make fun of all of the hicks who called in. Now I listen because she has a very soothing voice and cheers me up on lonely evenings when Matt's away during the work week.

Look at something funny. Two of my faves are LOLcats and LOLdogs. And who can forget PassiveAggressiveNotes.com? You'll laugh out loud, I promise.

Watch something funny or hopeful. Dig out or rent The Wedding Singer, Without a Paddle, Under the Tuscan Sun, or My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Or do what I do and just watch Star Wars.

Think spring. Old Navy has released a look at their spring collection, and everything's bright and happy and under $40. Just looking at those styles and all of the color lifted the corners of my mouth a good centimeter, I swear. In the meantime, wear t&field-browse=1038626&rh=k%3Ascarf&page=2">a fun scarf and a funky hat. And don't forget the mittens-- I LOVE these!

Do something for your body. Take a good-smelling bubble bath. Buy a new lipstick that's one shade deeper or brighter than you'd normally wear. Or just, you know... work out.

Okay, guys... there's a start. What else?

Just an update

2009-01-09T13:23:00.001-05:00

Miscellaneous stuff...

First, my "Dear John" letter to my Zune was a little premature. I am happy to report that the next day, Microsoft informed us that all we had to do was let the battery drain dead (like we had any way to prevent that after we tried to turn them on) and then charge them up again. Apparently it was a one-day glitch with the 30gb hardware, because you didn't even have to sync the device to your computer; you could recharge off of a regular wall outlet and it would still be okay. While dealing with all of this, though, I did some snooping around Zune world and discovered that you can now download a free games package, that they've improved their podcasts, and are offering all sorts of neat fitness-themed playlists and videos. You can also enable a clock. The "Zune Pass" subscription, which basically let you "lease" all the music you want for $14.99 a month, now offers a plan whereby you can still do that but are also able to select 10 of those songs a month to outright purchase. The coolest innovation, though, in my opinion, is that they have expanded the wireless capability of the devices. You can now connect to any (unlocked) wireless signal and can browse the Zune store from the Zune itself-- I believe you can even purchase and download songs and videos directly from the player, rather like a Kindle, only this operates on computer networks instead of a phone network. Awesomeness. :)

I am also happy to report that I've finally found some freeware on download.com that allows me to a) yank videos off of web pages, and b) convert video files into mp4 format, which my Zune can play. My poor old laptop, which has about 32kb of RAM, has a hard time playing them, but once I get them onto the Zune itself, they play great. So I can take little movies with my digital camera and actually have some use for them. I was also able to download the amazing McDonald's cappuccino commercial. :) I need to see if I can scrounge up the A/V output cable so I can try to show my pictures and movies on a TV someday.

Second, I have been very good this week about eating and working out. I have not eaten junk food (I ate it all up by last weekend), and I have run twice and gone to Pilates once. I have even gone to bed before 11:00 twice. I am feeling very good. It seems that I only gained about two pounds over the holidays, which was a lot better than I'd feared. I've been walking pretty faithfully at lunch. So these are all good things.

Third, however, in not-good things, I went down to my car this morning and, while brushing off the snow, I noticed that I have a chunk missing from my license plate. The top left corner, to be exact. The top left corner where my registration sticker, good til 12/31/09, should be. Someone apparently cut off the corner of the plate with metal cutters to steal my registration sticker and save themselves $39.00. I called the state police and filed an incident report, downloaded a form from PennDOT's website, got it notarized by the university president's secretary, wrote a check for $7.50, dropped it all in the mail, and now pray that I interpreted the form and its confusing instructions correctly and that I will get a replacement plate and sticker shortly. In the meantime, I'm keeping a copy of the new-plate-and-sticker form in my glove box with my registration card and insurance information in case I get pulled over. Grrrrr. I was finally starting to like living in my apartment complex again, now that the crackheads were evicted, but now I am starting to once again think longingly of living somewhere else. Maybe I should alert the apartment manager to the incident so she is aware? Fruitless, since we don't know who did it, but I feel like she should be in the loop. I don't know.

Honestly confused

2009-01-07T14:57:00.001-05:00

Preface: I am not trying to be belligerent here. I honestly don't understand how people believe some of the things that they do. I will not necessarily agree with what you say, but I promise to not be antagonistic or think that you are a terrible person because you believe something.

I just got an email from a friend that contained a line that got me thinking about faith/religion (I hate the word "religion" when applied to my own God-believing, church-attending, Bible-trusting state, but it is an accurate and useful term in many contexts). She basically said something about Christopaganism being the same religion as what I practice now, only with more ritual and regard for the planet. First, I had to look up Christopaganism. Next, my mind was boggled.

I honestly don't understand how people keep thinking that they can mix Christianity with the religion of their choice, because that violates the most basic tenant of Christianity (that salvation is through Jesus Christ alone-- that's where the "Christ" in "Christian" comes from!). I can understand people being Buddhist, or Muslim, but you really can't blend orthodox (small o) Christianity with anything else and still call it Christianity. It ceases to BE Christian when you blend it with another belief system. Some other religions are more malleable, from what I understand, but real Christianity is not.

This is not to say that other belief systems don't have elements of truth; I believe that many of them do recognize truths that Christianity also recognizes. But by mixing another religion with Christianity, you are saying that Christianity is insufficient on its own-- which violates what Christianity claims about itself. And if you don't believe that Christianity is what it says it is, why insist that you still believe it at all? Just be Wiccan. Or Muslim. Or Scientologist. Or the ever-popular "spiritual but not religious." Or something. Say that Jesus was a great spiritual leader (though C.S. Lewis makes some great points about how He was either who He said He was or He was insane, no middle road logically possible). But not "Christian/something else," because that is a paradoxical statement.

A couple of other "religious" things that I honestly don't understand: how can you just not care? An awful lot of people don't put any real thought or concern to the spiritual side of things, choosing to shrug the question off with a "guess I'll find out when the time comes" attitude. That is freakin' scary. Are you really willing to gamble that? If you really believe nothing happens when you die, then you believe nothing happens. That makes sense to me. Or if you believe that you join Nirvana or the Halle-Bopp comet or something else, I understand that you believe that (though I may not understand HOW you believe it!). But to just not bother figuring out what you believe and to hope for the best? Terrifying. Ignoring something doesn't mean that it doesn't exist; can you really afford to be apathetic about something that, well, long?

And, finally: atheism. I can sort of intellectually understand how someone could not believe in God, but what I don't understand is what keeps those people from just slitting their wrists out of frustration with the pointlessness of it all.

Dear Zune

2008-12-31T12:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Zune,

I have tried so hard to love you, and really, I think that much of the time, I did. I loved your chunky body, your gorgeous, shiny screen, your indie image. Most of all, I think I loved pushing your buttons! And we've had some good times.

But, throughout the last two years, I've spent almost all of our time together catering to your needs for constant attention and updates. Though I love how you're so different, you have such a hard time interacting in normal environments or with the file formats and accessories that the other MP3 players accept so willingly. And you rarely made time for me-- for my need to organize my music according to the folders instead of your arbitrary system, for my need to add more material to our interaction, and, yes, even for my need to just sync up my music on my own schedule instead of yours. Maybe I've been selfish, or maybe I've been impatient. But I have sincerely tried to love you through it all.

I've defended you against all of those who said that I could do better. I've been loyal and devoted, and I've never once looked at another MP3 player with longing. I've tried so hard to make this work. But a relationship takes two, Zune. I've been giving and giving, and you hardly ever give me anything in return. I've showered you with affection, but it's been a one-way street.

I don't want to issue an ultimatum. I still love you, despite it all. But if you are going to persist in being aloof and inaccessible, inattentive to my needs, unreliable and unpredictable-- well, I've given you just about all of the second chances that I have to give. If you don't start working again soon and prove to me that you mean it this time, I think that our relationship may have run its course.

I wish it didn't have to end like this.

--Kelly

P.S. For anyone unaware, all 30gb Zunes in the WORLD freaked out this morning and got stuck on the startup screen. We're still waiting for word from Microsoft. I've seen rumors that their customer support center is operating on a skeleton staff due to "extreme weather." Boo.

Christmastide preparations

2008-12-22T23:03:00.001-05:00

Brrrrrrrr. It's not often that I play around on Facebook and notice that all of my friends everywhere are complaining about the weather, but that was the case today. I guess that I should be counting my blessings that here in the midatlantic (or whatever we are) we just had to put up with nasty cold. All of my western friends are trapped in their homes!

'Course, if I'd been trapped in my home today, I couldn't have had to go out in that freakin' cold...

Anyways. I am officially on Christmas break. I had one last vacation day that I had forgotten about until Friday, and my boss told me that I could use it tomorrow, so that's what I'm doing (it's use it or lose it, so hey). Matt has to work tomorrow and Wednesday, and he has to work long days, too, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself. Most people are doing Christmasy things like baking or wrapping or travelling. I refuse to contribute to the obesity epidemic by baking, my wrapping is done, and I have nobody that I can go visit yet because they're all baking and wrapping and working. I'll probably read, watch movies, and go to the gym. I might also try to run to the grocery store if I am feeling especially brave.

It was nasty out there on my way home from work. Nasty as in traffic. I live in the center of this gigantic shopping corridor-- my apartment complex is tucked out of sight over the hill, but I have to fight all of the shoppers who are going to the mall or the Walmart (right across the street!) or one of the six or so shopping plazas that surround me and are located on the main road that is the only way to get in or out of my apartment complex. I was thinking about going to the gym tonight, but it was cold and then the traffic was backed up literally a half a mile from the red light at my intersection, so I decided to wait until tomorrow and hope for better luck during the day (my gym is directly across from the mall, and those mall shoppers are just so darn happy this time of year).

I might check the Shop 'n Save circular and see what I can find that would be festive for Christmas Eve dinner. Matt's mother wants to go to her home church, after all, so we won't be taking her to ours. Matt is very determined that we are going to our church, which makes me happy. Since we don't have to worry about anyone else, we're going to go to the 11 pm candlelight service, which I'm really looking forward to now. This means that we get to eat dinner together and exchange our gifts and go to church, just us... More than I'd even hoped for! :) So I feel like I should pull out something a little more celebratory than, you know, Walmart mac and cheese.

We got my car radio/CD player resurrected on Saturday, so I'm planning to go visit my best friend 3 hours away next week. It turns out that we had the wrong serial number for the radio and thus the wrong access codes. Matt convinced me to let the guy pull the radio and photocopy the serial number instead of purchasing a new unit and having them install it. I just wanted a guarantee of music, cost almost be darned at this point (I've been driving around in silence for a month now), but he persuaded me to try the cheap fix. I'm glad he did-- it saved me about $150!

Anyway, off to make tea and check the sales flyers. Stay cozy.

I want to not be afraid...

2008-12-09T00:51:00.001-05:00

I don't even know WHY I'm afraid. My employing institution is currently in a pretty strong financial position, from what I understand. I hope to stay here for a good long time. While nobody can say with complete certainty what the future will bring, that holds true for every organization in every field.

But I am worried all of the time. Every time I open an internet browser window or flip on my TV or the radio, I am bombarded with doomsday predictions and updates about the failing of the economy and unemployment rates and job cuts. My parents, unhappy with my decision to not continue with the MBA classes, are warning me of dire job shortages in the future and are claiming that Obama is going to institute some sort of mandatory public service program for young people that requires them all to do two years' time "volunteering" for social programs like libraries, which will put all of us librarians out of jobs unless we are in charge of the operation (which, I recognize, isn't that much different from the current situation, where credentialed librarians supervise staffs comprised mainly of parapro's).

I am worried about inflation, and tax hikes, and rents going up if more people become renters when their homes are foreclosed. I'm worried about gaining weight over the holidays, and how I don't really have much of a support network anymore, and about getting my car radio fixed.

I know that, as a Christian, I'm not supposed to worry. "My God will supply all your needs," and all that. I do, mostly, but it's hard. I think I read The Hiding Place too many times when I was too young. I think I read Foxe's Book of Martyrs too much when I was a teenager. There have been an awful lot of God's people who were taken care of for eternity but starved or suffered greatly or were gassed or burned to death throughout the course of human history, so it's tough for me to blithely go along saying "God will provide!" when I know that He doesn't always choose to do that in a way that is consistent with our earthly comfort or happiness. I know that the part that really matters is going to be fine, but... I would really like to know that I'm not going to have to (even temporarily) endure anything too awful before I get there. :)

Football & cars... how American

2008-11-24T22:14:00.001-05:00

Last night was the end-of-season banquet for Matt's football team. We dressed up spiffy and drove out to the lovely Stonehenge Lodge. Well, at least, I'm sure it is lovely. The inside was nice. I couldn't see the outside because it was dark.

I began to feel a little out of place when I walked in and saw not a few people wearing jeans. I was wearing a little black dress and had put on an extra layer of eyeshadow, thinking that the word "banquet" meant "fancy."

We found a couple of seats on the edge of the "Coaches" section and I sat down while Matt went over to say hello to a few of the players. I was seated on the very edge of the coaches' section, right next to "Honored Guests," and a couple of parents came along and a lady sat down across from me. I am bad at the social chit-chat thing, but I smiled and said "Hi, I'm Kelly." She introduced herself as Amy, "better known as Tray's mom." I laughed and responded that I was better-known as Matt's girlfriend.

After a few minutes, she decided that it was her turn to try to hold up half of our awkward non-versation. "So do you go to Ligonier?" I was completely blank. It's been a while since I've been genuinely taken to be a high school student. "I work at [my employer university], actually," I answered. "Oh, that's nice." "Yes, I like it." Great Pause Two.

Shortly thereafter Matt came to get my coat and ask me what I wanted to drink. Amy-Tray's-Mom looked confused. "Who did you say you were dating?" she asked me, looking slightly scandalized. "Him," I half-laughed, since Matt had a hand on each of my shoulders. "Oh!" she answered. "You said 'Matt' and I thought you meant Matt H---" (one of the centers, a senior).

The problem with working at a university is that nobody hears the "work at" part and just hears the "[my employer university]" part and therefore assumes that I am a freshman.

Matt sat down and told me that the players had said "Hey, Coach, who's that you got with you?!" He told them that I was his girlfriend and they were all impressed and apparently made comments to the effect of "What's she doing with you?!" He said "What can I say; I've got game," and walked away. I did notice that throughout the evening, whenever I glanced over at the players' table, one of the linemen seemed to always be looking in my direction. Um...

The rest of the banquet was nice. The food was good, the speakers were good, and they had some really nice recognition for the players. The boosters at that school are amazing and really dedicated. The president and his wife's son was killed this past summer in a car accident, and they seem to have really thrown themselves into the organization since. I got to meet some of the guys Matt always talks about, which was cool. Some of the guys really seemed to like him and think a lot of him, and that's nice to see. The boosters gave the coaches these really nifty windbreakers with "Coach ____" embroidered on them, and I don't think Matt's going to take his off for about three months.

On the way back to Matt's place, he said that one of the other coaches' wives had seen the two of us together and had proceeded to shoot him dirty looks the rest of the evening. I really need to not go to functions with lots of high schoolers any more until I age.

Today before work I ran out to Pep Boys to get a couple of snow tires and a battery check, but they didn't have the size tires I needed, so I went to NTB. When I was paying my bill for the tires, I asked how the battery was, and it turned out that the guy had forgotten to check it. He went out and, lo and behold, it needed to be replaced. So I went back to the waiting room and waited and then paid the second bill.

When I got back in the car and turned it on (it fired right up with lots of vim, which was a wonderful change), though, I noticed that my CD was sticking out of the player and that the player refused to suck the CD in. I tried to turn on the radio and got a "code" message. Hitting my presets didn't do any good.

I went back inside and made the guy come out and look. I don't have an owner's manual or anything for this car, and he basically said to go to the Honda dealer and ask for the magic code.

I knew this was all going too easily.

So I went to the Honda dealer and asked the nice man what the heck was wrong with my car. He came out and looked, but there is no sticker anywhere with the radio serial number, and that is what they need to give me the code. My car is new enough to be in the massive database by VIN, but not new enough to have the radio's serial number attached to it. So, to get my clock/radio/CD player to work again, I am going to have to pull the unit out, write down the serial number, put the unit back in the dash, give the Honda dealer the number, and program in the code that they look up. This will run me approximately $100 there, so I am hoping that my brother can manage to get my radio out of the dash and back in.

We shall see. Until then, I will drive in contemplative silence.

At least I can drive.

Small collection of thoughts

2008-11-10T22:42:00.000-05:00

I haven't been posting much lately. I've been busy; that's the main reason, I guess. I haven't had much to say, and when I have had something to say, I just get tired at the thought of having to defend my opinions.

But... let's see.

I like November. November is always a thoughtful month for me, for some reason. Work slows down dramatically after the insanity of August, September, and October. The leaves are pretty much gone, but snow isn't quite here, so everything is quiet and stark and elemental. I like that. It's not quite Christmas time. It's just quiet and thoughtful and a little pensive. I always feel more at peace with God in November. I love it.

My good friend Chris got married on Saturday. That rounds out Wedding Season '08... well, probably. Matt's brother called on Sunday to say that he had (finally) proposed to his girlfriend of 6 years. They're thinking that they might just do a small JP ceremony and skip the wedding thing. I don't know how seriously they're considering that or if they have any kind of time frame in mind yet, but I suppose it's conceivable that we could be driving down to Virginia sometime in the next few weeks for that, which would be awesome. :) If it weren't for the fact that I feel strongly about including my faith in my wedding, I would be sorely tempted to go that route, myself.

Anyway, Chis & Jen's wedding was fun. I couldn't believe how many people they managed to cram into that reception hall-- definitely not any elbow room for anybody.

Matt and I went out to watch the Steelers game and celebrate our anniversary on Sunday, since I don't get CBS. I think that I might need to seriously consider getting basic cable. It seems like such a waste of money, but by the time you go out for an appetizer and enough beer to last you a game... Well, let's just say that we could have easily used the bill for our "cheap" celebration to pay for a couple of month's worth of basic TV. Do you have to sign a contract or anything? How much of a pain is it to get cable hooked up? Argh. But it would be awfully nice to have a viewable picture again. I dunno.

I realized today that, after an entire year, I have exactly 11 pictures of me and Matt together. We seem to be something of an anomaly in this Facebook-album culture. I think we just usually do stuff just the two of us, and we don't do a lot of self-portraits. Or maybe we're just misanthropic freaks.

Faith is hard...

2008-10-29T15:06:00.001-05:00

My agony over whether or not to continue the MBA trajectory continues apace. I am sick of it. I want to make my decision and tell everybody what it is and then weather the fallout and get on with my freaking life.

I think I am about 97% determined to not continue the businesses classes after this one ends in December. It's hard, though. I was visiting my grandparents yesterday and was explaining to my grandma (a very smart lady who is generally extremely supportive of me) about how the cost of tuition was over triple what I'd anticipated and books were a good 30% higher than I thought and there was this technology fee I had to pay, too, and how I hate the material so far and resent the homework and just don't think I can afford it, anyway. Her response was "Well, you'd better find a way to afford it, because things are going to get bad out there and you need to work on your resume. Not just to get another job someday, but to keep the one you have now. Things are going to be a lot harder for you kids than they were for us." And she said what Mom always says about how "two years isn't that long" and they will "fly by."

It rattles me when someone with my best interests at heart says something like that, especially when that person is in her 70's and went through an awful lot when she was my age and working and going to school and raising two little kids and had a husband who was working crazy hours and going to school, too. I feel like such a wimp for wanting out, and I worry that she's right.

But do I really think that another three letters after my name will be my earthly salvation? I'm a big believer in education if it is going to get you somewhere that you want to go, but I'm not so sure that I think it's such a great idea to throw money (and personal misery) after something without a clear purpose. Why did an MBA even look good in the first place? Well, I was hoping to learn how to be a better supervisor/manager to help me with my current job and better-equip me in case I end up as a library director someday. And most academic libraries do prefer a second master's degree (though most don't require one). So those were my two reasons. My salary here wouldn't increase, and my hope and intention is to stay here for quite a while.

So, as Matt says, short-term, continuing is definitely a loss. Long-term, it's a throw of the dice.

I worry that the country is heading for a depression. I mean, really, what do I know? Everywhere I look, people are panicking and predicting the end of the world. But if it really gets to that point, will one more degree keep me working as a librarian instead of part-time on the register at Dollar General (or, worse, not at all)? That is the question.

Right now, I think I'm going to say no. I think I'm going to say that I'd rather build up a little nest egg and work hard at being good at the job I have. I think I'm going to gamble on skills and experience and professional contacts trumping a basically unused advanced degree. I'm going to trust God to continue to provide for me; He's done a fantastic job so far, and he's bigger than the NYSE or higher education or all the rest of it.

After all, what do I really need for my life to be okay by my standards?

I need a place to live.

I need food to eat.

I need clothes to wear.

I need a way to stay warm.

I need Matt and my family and friends.

I need a God who loves me and whom I can love and rely on.

Looking at that list helps put it all in perspective. But it's still scary and hard.

Why does my right contact hate me?

2008-10-27T20:54:00.001-05:00

Quickly, quickly...

I got a new phone on Friday. I don't really know why. I didn't need it. I was eligible for my upgrade with Verizon's New Every Two program, and had been since July. I still liked my old phone just fine, and it was in pristine condition (the girl at the kiosk was dumbfounded). But I've been wanting a texting phone for a while, and stopping at the kiosk in the mall to "just look" was like going to the humane society to "just look" at the puppies. So I have a maroon LG enV 2 now. It is very nice. :) Ironically, however, it actually takes me longer to text on it than it did on my old one in T9 mode. I'm assuming that I will get better with practice. It wasn't free, but the mail-in rebate should bring the price down to something that I can almost (but not quite) justify.

I baked a ham yesterday. It's been sitting in my freezer since the really good sale the week before Easter, and I decided that I really wanted the freezer room back now that I had a cool day that I would be in the apartment. It smelled amazing all afternoon, and Matt carved it up beautifully. We had it with rice and veggies and it was yummy and sort of festive-feeling. It was so easy to do that I felt like I was cheating. We are totally having ham every holiday at my house. You just plop it in a pan and stick it in the oven and it comes out perfect a few hours later!

I soaked some navy beans all afternoon and evening and threw them into the crock pot along with the ham bone and some veggies and water and I left it on low all night. So I had ham and bean soup ready to go this morning. I portioned it up into containers and froze 'em. Some of the leftover ham and rice made a great bring-to-work dinner for tonight, too. This is all very good because I was down to my last frozen dinner and I have dinner to pack for Thursday and again for Sunday and then Monday and Thursday next week, too. And I have about 4 quart baggies of ham pieces in the freezer that I can pull out and use for various things-- and that's AFTER sending a plate home with Matt. And I got the smallest ham the store had!

I love my crock pot. I love Easter-sale ham.

I think I love my new phone.

I do not love Financial Management. Though this textbook actually made discounting make sense.

Still here

2008-10-21T10:44:00.000-05:00

Hey there.

I'm still here. It's just been pretty busy lately, what with finishing accounting and starting financial management and heading into the busiest class season at work. I have managed to have a little fun occasionally, as well. Matt's football team just played their last home game (they lost ), and we had a good Saturday walking around Ligonier and enjoying fall. Sunday Jacquie was in visiting her family and I got to go up to their new place and hang out with her and her folks.

There's not a whole lot else to tell. So far, at least, financial management looks a good bit easier than financial accounting, at least on a weekly basis. The final presentation is supposed to be twice as long as the one for accounting, so that has me a little worried. Despite the fact that I do not want to go fling myself off of a cliff anymore, I still don't really see myself continuing with the MBA pursuit after this semester. The financial aspect of it is too big of a concern. With a 9-year-old car, a computer that's rapidly dying, and the economy in the shape it is, I don't think that it's wise to be chipping away at my savings instead of adding to it for the next two years.

My plan right now is to instead get more involved with PaLA and make some professional contacts and, you know, get better at the job that I actually have and want to continue to have for the forseeable future instead of prepping for who-knows-what who-knows-where who-knows-when that I probably wouldn't want to do, anyway. I would, however, be very interested in any input that you fine folks might have. There's still about two and a half weeks before I could register for spring classes, anyway, so I have a little decision-making time left. But this is where I'm standing now.

I closed last night, as I do every Monday. I had brought a frozen dinner with me, but when I heated it up, I realized that there wasn't actually any meat in it and it was basically just gravy and peppers and onions. I was going to try to eat it as soup, but it was just wrong and I knew would do nasty things to my stomach, so I grumbled and grabbed my coat and wallet and headed over to the cafeteria to get a meal to go.

I avoid the cafeteria at the best of times, but especially in the evenings-- this was the first time I had ever gone there for dinner. Cafeterias at night are the provence of the students, and I don't know my way around that well and I don't have a wingwoman to have my back and this isn't NNU where almost everyone is at least nominally considerate.

I tried to go in the back entrance for faculty and staff, but it was closed, so I had to come back around to the front and dodge all of the sugared-up lacrosse players who were chasing each other down the hall. The girl at the cash register was busy talking to a couple of her friends, but I did manage to get her attention long enough to ask where the to-go containers were. "Back there" and a vague wave. I next headed back to the serving area, where there was an older lady tending to things. It was hard to get her attention, too, but mainly because she seemed to be hard of hearing. I asked her where the to-go containers were, and she said "in the kitchen." In the kitchen? Like, I just walk back in there, seriously? Apparently, yes.

So I walked back into the kitchen. The first woman who saw me asked what I wanted. I said I needed a to-go container, and she said "Ask Chris" (or Steve, or something short and generic like that), and waved in the direction of the back corner. I tentatively ventured toward Chris, or Steve, or whatever his name was, who looked up and said "What do you want?"

"I need a styrofoam to-go container," I said. "Why?" he said, in a way that had me bracing already. "Because I have to work," I responded. "Well, you're not at work now," he grinned in a way that I didn't like at all, and he began advancing on me. He got within about a foot of me, grinning down into my face, and I started stepping back, one pace at a time. The only time any guys have EVER get into that position, they've kissed me or tried to, and I was starting to freak out. I was wearing my black wool coat, which always makes me feel more empowered; it says that I could either be the substitute DADA teacher at Hogwarts or Jason Bourne's current paramour. I was also carrying my black purse, which is roomy and says that I could be packing a handgun and my concealed weapons permit. "I have to get back to work," I snapped back, still stepping back every time he stepped forward. He finally said "I'm just going to get the container!" and flipped back a cotton cloth to reveal the stack of styrofoam. "Thank you," I snapped, grabbing one and beating a hasty retreat to the exit.

"You were getting mad, huh?" he yelled after me. "You need to lighten up! Life's to short to be that serious all the time!" and so on. I ignored him and kept going. Life's too short? I'm too short to think it's funny when 6-foot-tall men advance on me, leering, in the back corner of the kitchen when nobody knows where I am.

Anyway, after that, we had a discussion panel on politics in the library last night. Faculty and students from both the College Republicans and College Democrats discussed questions that had been prepared and ones that were raised by the audience. We had a large turnout-- 82, counting the panelists, my boss, and myself. It went okay. Things started to get heated at the end... there was a lot of disrespect from one of the faculty panelists toward my boss, and from one of the student panelists toward one of the faculty panelists, but overall it wasn't too bad. The audience was almost all Democrats, obviously, which is fine (intelligent people can be Democrats), but what disturbed me was that almost all of the applause and murmurs of approval were for the very dumbest things that the very dumbest Democrat student panelist kept saying. Oh, dear. America, your future.

And then somebody brought up Sarah Palin, and everything just unraveled from there. Sigh. I wish Republicans would stop APOLOGIZING for her. You may not agree with her, you may not like her, and you may not think she's qualified. Okay, fair enough. But I think that there's some value to a person who actually says "this is me, and I'm not going to do a 180 just because the wind shifted." And the idea that she was chosen to appeal to Democrats seems very strange to me. I don't see her appealing to the center-to-left crowd at all; I think she has far more appeal to the conservative side. The great thing about her is that she has a lot of people (like my parents) who have become apathetic about the whole mess suddenly pricking up their ears and caring again. Some of them are caring because they love her, and some are caring because they can't stand her, but at least the Republicans answered Obama's charisma with another strong character whom people are going to either love or hate.

Oh, one final comment on the panel discussion. One Democrat student panelist was upset because Palin had said that she would "tolerate" gay marriage, or something to that effect, and he thought that a VP should not have to just "tolerate" something like that. One of the Republican faculty panelists answered that partially, but I don't think the point was discussed enough. I think there's some pretty widespread confusing in the U.S. about what, exactly, tolerance is. People either say "I'm tolerant" to mean "I agree with everybody who agrees with me and everyone else is intolerant," or they take it a step farther and want everyone to just agree all of the time and make toleration out to be bad! That's not what it means, at all. Tolerance is when I disagree with you about something but, at the same time, I affirm your right to disagree with me. And I think that's a very egalitarian and a very American attitude that we should all be striving to embrace, especially throughout the last crazy days of the election season.

Turning around

2008-10-08T12:31:00.001-05:00

I have been an awful grump for the last few months, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of worrying about the economy and this MBA debacle and my relationship with my parents.

Do you ever get to the point where you're just tired of the rut you're in and don't like the person you see yourself turning into? I've struggled with negativity my whole life; there was a LOT of it in my immediate and extended family, and then when I got to college, a lot of the people I spent time with were very negative, too. It wasn't until somewhere around my senior year of college, or maybe even until I got to grad school, that I started thinking about whether this was how I wanted to spend my life-- doing everything I could to ensure that I would be miserable, regardless of circumstances, by focusing on all of the crappy stuff.

Somewhere around this time, I got a little book called 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People (which I highly recommend, by the way). It took scientific studies, extracted the essence of what the studies discovered, and gave easy-to-understand examples of how you can put that knowledge into practice in your own life. It wasn't all psycho-babble stuff; it was stuff like people who eat some fruit every day are happier than people who don't, or that cheering for the home team has a correlation to increased life satisfaction. I got some interesting ideas, but mostly, I found that the biggest determination of happiness is what you choose to focus on. If you focus on good things (not denying or belittling the bad, just not dwelling on them unnecessarily), you're going to be in a better frame of mind. This book helped a lot.

I have gotten away from this lately. I've been slipping back into my old habits of obsessing over all of the things that I don't like or that aren't going well. Granted, it's been a tough 4 or 5 months, but enough is enough. I am going to kick out of this funk and get back to being more optimistic and to having a positive outlook on life. I promise.

So how am I going to do this?

I am going to try a little to count my blessings more, and to actually take a few seconds to appreciate them instead of just mentally crossing them off. I have the greatest, most patient, most supportive guy in the world, and he's done a great job at staying cheerful through a lot of crap in his own life and crap coming from me on the phone every night. I am insanely lucky to have him.

I have the funnest, cutest, funniest little orange cat ever. He makes me laugh. He loves me. He loves to snuggle. He is hilarious and makes the most bizarre sounds as he runs around the apartment like a maniac.

And so on.

I requested Boundaries from the public library, and I'm going to start reading it as soon as I can get it. I don't know if it will be any good or not (I've heard the usual "OMG this book changed my life!!!" and "if you read this book, you hate the Bible and will go to Hell" split), but I'm going to give it a try. I need to get better at listening to and considering other people's advice and viewpoints without letting those people run roughshod over me and control my life. I need to learn how to discern when I need to do something and when I don't. Maybe it will help.

I'm going to start reading my Upper Room daily devotional again every day instead of just deleting the email.

I'm going to get back to putting an encouraging Bible verse or two on my marker board on the fridge.

I'm listening to Air 1 online at work (I've been listening to K-Love a lot and I'm getting kind of tired of the 8 songs they play, so this gives me some novelty for a while). They're doing their pledge drive right now, but even that's not so bad, because they keep quoting all of those verses about how God will provide for us and how He, not our jobs or savings accounts or retirement plans, is the source of our security.

It all helps.

Whew

2008-09-17T10:39:00.000-05:00

Am I still alive? I think I'm still alive. Goodness. It's been quite a week.

My best friend got married on Saturday. I was the maid of honor and was still trying to kick a cold, so I was worried about being a little out of it and basically not having a voice. My fears, it turned out, were needless; the groom was so stuffed up and miserable that my little sore throat was nothing by comparison.

The wedding was to be at an outdoor chapel on the Scout camp where Althea grew up, the two of them had met, and where I myself spent three fantastic summers. Sadly, Hurricane Ike or its remnants had reached us, so for the rehearsal we were all huddled under umbrellas and wading through 2-inch-deep puddles.

I hadn't managed to pull together a bachelorette party, and I don't think anybody had thrown a bachelor party for Derek, so we all went out that night after wrapping dozens and dozens of flower pots in blue fabric and silver ribbon. We made the boys sit on one side of the table and the girls on the other, and we built a fort of napkin holders, ketchup, and beer bottles to enforce the separation. It was a good time.

We woke up the morning of the wedding to discover that Laura, one of the other two bridesmaids, was throwing up. The poor girl continued to throw up every hour or so for the rest of the morning. We wouldn't let Althea text or call Derek, so she worried about him all day because he was sick and she couldn't find out how he was feeling. The wedding was at 3, so she had quite a while to fret.

Around 1:00 miscellaneous family and friends started to arrive. Apparently everyone had decided to just chill and change at the house, not thinking that perhaps the bride and her parents and the bridal party might, you know, need the bathroom sink. We were a little ticked off about that.

Her dad stalled a bit with taking pictures. I think he kinda froze at the last minute, so her mom and I had to finally say "We are GOING. NOW!"

It wasn't raining, through it had looked threatening all day. They had had a large tent set up in case. When I got up to the altar, poor Derek looked like a wreck-- it was incredibly humid and warm, and he was in a tux, and he was still fighting that awful cold, and he was getting married, so the sweat was just pouring off of him.

About a minute and a half into the ceremony, I heard a slight disturbance behind me. During the next prayer, I tried to sneak a quick peek back, and poor Laura was gone. Apparently she had had to slip off and go throw up in the woods to the side of the chapel.

Fortunately it was a very brief service, and then we all got into a receiving line at the back of the chapel. Althea's 10-year-old (girl) cousin decided to run around like crazy and rushed up to us shouting "Althea! Your friend is puking!" Which we all thought was so nice.

The sun came out right at the end, so the weather and setting were perfect for pictures. We got some lovely ones. Then we headed down to Uniontown for the reception. Things went mostly according to plan; the best man and I were confused about whether we were entering together or separately (he was the only groomsman), so that was a little awkward when I went in alone and they announced us together. He gave a short & sweet toast, and then I got up and read aloud the email Althea had sent to Hillary and me right after her first date with Derek over 6 years ago.

After dinner everything loosened up and we had a blast just hanging out with the camp guys. I did the Macarena, the electric slide, and the cha-cha song all in a row. It was fun.

And then Matt took me home and I had a great night's sleep and got lots of homework done on Sunday and we watched the Steelers beat the Browns because we were some of the lucky ones who never lost power. So the weekend was really good.

Today started off with some excitement. I watch the Today Show every morning while I get ready for work, and every 15 minutes or so they break for local weather and headlines. I flipped the TV on and was just walking away when the headline guy came on and said "One person is dead in Ligonier this morning" (this is when I started paying attention, because Matt lives in Ligonier and it is tiny) "after a fire in an apartment building" (I started relaxing a little mentally, but wondered what "apartment building" they could possibly mean, since there is like an old-people living facility and some townhomes but nothing else) "on East Main Street." (Now they have my attention again. There are no apartment buildings on East Main Street in Ligonier, but there is Matt's apartment.) "The fire was in an old house that had been converted into three apartments." (This is when the bottom dropped out of my stomach.) "One person is dead; no further details have been released." (This is when my hands started shaking and I started heading for the phone.)

I got Matt's voicemail on his cell, but it rang like 8 times first, which I told myself was a good sign; if his phone had burned up, it would go straight to voicemail, right? I called a house number by mistake which turned out to be for his boss's house, where Matt house-sat back in March, but I just got the machine there. Then I called Matt's office like I'd intended and he picked up right away and was not dead and I think I started crying because I was relieved. He said that the fire had been about half a block away from his place and that he'd been woken up by the sirens, but that he'd had no idea that it would be in the Pittsburgh news. He is now under strict instructions to text me when any of his neighbors' houses burn down in future. And my hands stopped shaking after half an hour.

Kelly does politics

2008-09-05T09:42:00.001-05:00

First: please do not crucify me for this. If you are at the opposite end of the political spectrum from me, I respect that. I have never understood people who think that everyone who disagrees with them is obviously uneducated and/or stupid. I have never understood people who start screaming about politics. Let's please stay friends. I am not a big political debater, but I've had a few thoughts bouncing around the last week or so and just wanted to get them down in black and white for my own benefit more than anyone else's.

I readily admit that I am not the most political or politically-educated person, but I really like what I have seen of Palin so far. I don't think I've ever really gotten excited about a political candidate before (well, I loathed Gore with great hatred, if that counts), so this is a new experience for me. I was lukewarm about McCain, but I like her and his choice of her for veep gives me much more respect for him. I like that she's pro-life. I like that she's a member of the NRA. And I know that I could be stripped of my MLS for this, but I don't think a little, ahem, personal judgment in collection development is always bad (please note that no specific books or types of books were ever mentioned in this incident).

A friend of mine forwarded this email/article to me, and I have a few comments to make about it. Apparently it has been an overnight sensation in the email/blogosphere and its author, Anne Kilkenny, is suddenly quite well-known and has become a sought-after speaker. I find that interesting. Mostly, though, I find interesting a couple of statements that she makes at the end of her diatribe (which would make a great piece for teaching students how to identify bias in a text, by the way):

* She (Kilkenny) comes right out and admits that "she [Palin] is immensely popular here." So... um... why is she so popular if she is so awful and did such awful things to the city?

* Kilkenny also mentions that "she [Palin] has hated me since back in 1996," and cites this as one of her reasons for writing the piece. Oh. That's... mature... of you.

For a contra piece from the same publication (and I think the headline says it all-- "Sarah Palin: the liberal voter's worst nightmare"), click here.

I think one of the things that bothers me most about Palin's detractors is that many of them (not all, but more than not) are exhibiting a lot of snobbery and elitism. There seems to be an assumption that someone who hunts, is from a state that most people know little about (a walrus in every igloo?), and who didn't hold a passport is somehow inherently inferior to someone who is more cosmopolitan. There is an attitude that someone who may actually be sort of normal (as opposed to just glad-handing a few men in plaid shirts and trucker hats for photo ops) cannot be taken seriously.

I encounter that kind of attitude, glossed over, a lot. It's an ugly truth that a lot of "educated" people look down their noses at people who haven't taken an academic or power-suit career track. I work in higher ed and move around in an ivory tower, but my dad is probably jackhammering out a grave today. And he's a very smart man who used to run a branch of a bank and quit, not because he couldn't do it, but because he didn't like it. People who are "better educated" can try to ignore people who do unglamorous work for a living, but the fact remains that there are an awful lot of people doing unglamorous work. Many of them are quite intelligent. And an awful lot of them really seem to like Sarah Palin.

2008-08-27T09:31:00.002-05:00

I finally bit the bullet and created a LinkedIn profile. I have only one "connection" so far, so feel free to add me and make me feel like less of a loser. I also have no frame of reference for what I should put on there-- my entire resume, or just the highlights, so... :) http://www.linkedin.com/in/kellyaddleman

Still alive... kinda

2008-08-26T19:32:00.001-05:00

Hello world,

You may have noticed that I have fallen off the edge of you. It is a new academic year. We have been hiring and will be training lots of aides (I do most of the training). I am going crazy scheduling and prepping for lots of research class visits, and soon I will be going crazy teaching lots of research class visits (I do most of hte teaching). Interlibrary loans have exploded. We are STILL trying to find a replacement cataloger. Since the other librarians have families, I have been tapped to pick up the unclaimed night shift this week and anticipate being selected to pick up the unclaimed weekend rotation next weekend. I am trying to learn financial accounting in 8 weeks, which is not going so well, thanks for asking. My best friend is getting married in 2 1/2 weeks and I am going to be the maid of honor, which I am excited about but also worried about because that means 3 1/2 days that I won't have to do my insane amount of weekly accounting homework.

Mainly I am very tired, and very discouraged, and very overwhelmed. I am trying to stay positive, but it's very hard. The crazy thing is you take your job and you take the other stuff and you say yeah, I have enough time to do that, sure! But what you don't take into account is that all of the stress and exhaustion from one bleeds over into the other. It's not like I can get all worked up and tired out over accounting and then flip a switch and be a refreshed, happy librarian, or daughter, or friend, or girlfriend. Work is hard enough by itself at this time of year, and then you throw everything else into the mix...

Matt's in a very similar boat between work and coaching. It's a struggle to see each other and we're both just barely hanging on, anyway. Football season ends on Halloween for him, and I'll be trading this class for a different one in mid-October, so we're hoping that things will be a little better by November. But we're not sure, and that's still a really long way off when it's all you can do to get from day to day.

I'm telling myself that this is the rocky patch at the beginning of something new and challenging and that it'll smooth out before too long. I certainly hope so, because I can't maintain this pace indefinitely. The crappy thing is that I said from the beginning that I just wanted to try it out and start slow and take it one class at a time, not get locked into a long program and give up everything about my life that made it worth living, and I feel like that is exactly what has happened. But now everybody, especially my parents, has locked onto the idea of me getting an MBA, so I'll be labelled a quitter if I decide that this program just isn't for me. The first class was always intended to be a litmus test, and I think everyone has lost sight of that. So aside from how difficult of a decision it would be in any case, I have all of these expectations to contend with, too.

Sigh. Time to go plan a class. And package 16 ILLs. And hopefully get a little ahead on reading so I can actually enjoy my best friend's wedding when it comes.

Response to Breaking Dawn...

2008-08-13T10:30:00.000-05:00

Devon, naturally, beat me to this and did a much more thorough and eloquent job than I shall even attempt. As much as I miss digging into a text from a variety of viewpoints and coming out with new insights... I have research strategy and "subversive" handouts to create and I have to overhaul my annotated bib presentation. But mostly I'm just lazy.

First, I agree that "Renesmee" is perhaps the most horrible name ever. I'm still not entirely sure where to place the accent should I ever need to say it aloud.

Second, I should mention that I loved reading Louisa May Alcott's books when I was a kid. Now, I am very proud of the fact that I have read almost all of her books (I don't think I ever finished Under the Lilacs, for some reason, and I didn't read her short stories) and that I branched out beyond Little Women. One of my favorites was called An Old-Fashioned Girl (I swear this ties into the Twilight novels).

At the beginning of the last chapter of An Old-Fashioned Girl, the author breaks her objective narrative voice and speaks directly to the reader. "...intimidated by the threats, denunciations, and complaints showered upon me in consequence of taking the liberty to end a certain story as I liked, I now yield to the amiable desire of giving satisfaction, and, at the risk of outraging all the unities, intend to pair off everybody I can lay my hands on." Basically, she took a lot of flack for not having Jo marry Laurie in Little Women, so she decided to placate her readers and tie everything up neatly with a great big bow. I loved it.

I see the Twilight novels in basically the same way. They are wonderful escapist fluff. Would I want my daughter thinking that this is actually how life works out? No. But I would hope that my daughter had read enough books like Old Yeller by that point and have buried enough pet hamsters to have reached that conclusion already. Of course, I am not directly responsible for the character formation of any young people, so it's easy for me to be cavalier about these things.

But to answer Devon's points:

1. Bella's self-denial. I was raised to believe that this kind of thing is a virtue. My family is big on the total depravity doctrine, and my mom actually read to us from Foxe's Book of Martyrs in the mornings before school, so I probably have a somewhat warped perception of what constitutes a healthy self-image. But I would argue that Bella exemplifies an admirable capacity for sacrifice for the benefit those she loves.

As far as boys liking girls who are victims, yes, they do. It's hard-wired into them to want to be the big strong hero, and personally, I don't have any issues with that. I have a problem and a guy wants to solve it for me? Fantastic. He gets an ego boost and I don't have to bother with dealing with it myself. Win-win! :) I like to think that I have the capacity to solve most of my own problems, however, and merely allow men to handle them out of convenience and benevolence. I can definitely see how Bella's vulnerability would bring out the protector in guys and why they would be attracted to that.

2. Edward being perfect... well, yes, he kind of is. He does have a tendency to be overly dramatic about things, as a few characters mention throughout the novels, and he takes the protector thing a little farther than he really needs to, but otherwise he is basically perfect. This being escapist fantasy, I'm okay with that. At the same time, though, I don't think it's too much to expect our flesh-and-blood guys to be kind, thoughtful, considerate, brave, intelligent, dependable, unselfish, to exercise self-control, and to love their girlfriends/fiancees/wives a LOT. Many fit this description. I am blessed to know them.

Edward and Bella do have a very physical relationship, which is ironic but also makes perfect sense, considering that they spend most of it trying not to touch each other for fear Bella will end up dead. At the beginning there was some discussion of CDs in the car, I think, but that's not much to base a marriage on. So I'll concede that point. They don't spend much time making fun of other people or talking about movies or doing chores together... Edward just dazzles Bella with his vampire-ness and they sit around talking about how in love they are.

3. I never really noticed the description of wealth or material goods that much. It seemed to me that the main message was that it was just convenient to have tons of money sitting around your house in piles. Anyway, people like to read about gorgeous rich people. See the Elsie Dinsmore series from the 1800's (actually, no, please don't). See In Touch Weekly. Escapism just isn't as much fun if the people are average-looking, need to lose 10 pounds, and are driving 10-year-old Honda Civics, just like you. The money seems sort of beside the point to Bella, though it is interesting to think about how the Cullens would deal if you suddenly stripped them of all of their loot and they couldn't hand over thousands for fake passports or book last-minute international flights without batting an eye.

4. Parenthood/pregnancy. One of our work-study girls had an interesting theory about why Meyer switched POV to Jacob for this section-- she said that she was glad that we didn't have to listen to Bella whine about being pregnant for 200 pages. I did feel that there was a connection between Bella and Renesmee, actually, and I thought the scene where Edward first senses Renesmee's thoughts and he and Bella are filled with awe was a really beautiful part of the book (sorry, Jacob). Bella spends the rest of the book obsessed with her daughter's well-being and safety, which sounds maternal to me. The pregnancy was brief but hardly sounded like fun (I now have something new to worry about-- broken ribs?!), though I'll admit that skipping the whole newborn phase was a little too convenient.

5. Yes, some of the sexuality is weird. The Edward/Bella/Jacob triangle always reminded me a little of the Arthuer/Guinevere/Lancelot situation in the Arthurian legends. In The Mists of Avalon retelling (itself rife with weird sexuality), Arthur is afraid that he is sterile, so he encourages Lancelot and Guinevere to, um, try under his supervision in the effort to produce an heir. Sorry to anyone who just gagged. The "imprinting" of the werewolves freaks me out, too, and I'll admit that I wasn't happy with how Jacob just switches obsession from Bella to her daughter with one locked gaze, especially considering some of Jacob's thoughts about Bella's body during the delivery. That was way too weird for me, even though it conveniently takes care of Jacob's happiness. But the Edward/Bella sex after she became a vampire was nice. Who doesn't like the idea of hours and hours of uninterrupted sex with one's spouse? :) The description was vague enough that I wasn't bothered.

Soo... great literature? Heck no. Good role-models for young girls? Probably not the best. Fun to read if you remember that it's pure entertainment and as realistic and developed in all respects as the Die Hard movies? Absolutely!

Long week... with another coming

2008-07-25T09:51:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy week. I am, quite simply, exhausted. It was for a good cause, though; this week, in addition to work, I have managed to:

* Run twice and go to Pilates once (ow)
* Go to Bible study
* Clean my apartment! (Almost ENTIRELY!)
* De-clutter (about 80% of total, I think)
* Re-organize my dining area
* Re-decorate my bathroom (still looking for a liquid soap dispenser and plastic cup in theme)

I thought that finding a cheap, refillable liquid soap dispenser having something to do with rain or streams or, heck, summer leaves, would be easy, but I'm finding that most people's powder room tastes run to seashells and palm trees. What?! There's also a lot of weird Baroque stuff out there. It's okay. Failing all else, Target and B&BW both have disposables that will work just fine, and I still have some of my old soap left until I find something. :) I feel so adult to have a theme for a room.

I haven't really slept much this week, though. I've been cleaning and organizing and decluttering until what used to be my bedtime every night in my zeal to get a clean and organized home. I have a few things still to do (get a shoe rack to neaten up my closet, buy a neutral bedskirt instead of the dark print one that doesn't work at all with the quilt I have on my bed, both of which require money, which I am kind of out of at this time of the month), but overall the improvement has been tremendous and it will be nice to come back from San Diego to a clean, neat apartment. My goal is to get it good and then be very diligent about keeping up with little maintenance tasks so it never gets that bad again.

Oh, yes, because I'm going to San Diego. For a week. For work. I'm trying to be excited. Mainly I am just grumpy because I have to do laundry tomorrow, run the cat to my grandparents' after that, and then get up ridiculously early to get on my plane so I can be jet-lagged and run ragged on top of already being sleep-deprived and exhausted. But I am hoping that the program (which trains academic librarians to be better classroom instructors and ambassadors for information literacy) will be worth the hassle for me and the expense for my employing institution.

Anyway, I will probably not be very reachable until I get back late (and probably very tired) the evening of Saturday, August 2nd. I'm not sure how much internet access/time I will have while I'm out there, and it is a three-hour time difference from Eastern time, so if you need to reach me, text or leave a voicemail and I'll do my best...

Question, girls

2008-07-23T10:33:00.001-05:00

Does anybody else get hit on by creepy guys a lot? I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem. I've started wearing a sparkly birthstone ring on my left ring finger, and it's helped some, I think. I wear it mostly to work and running errands, not around family or friends who are likely to be confused by it. Getting hit on by middle-aged men at Wal-Mart has decreased somewhat since I got the ring.

I ask because one of our creepy patrons was in to the library recently. He is a very weird individual and freaks everybody here out, but he also goes to great efforts to strike up conversations with me and asks me questions about my personal life a lot. I pretty much keep my responses to a bare minimum and try to not smile (it's hard for me to not smile at patrons; it's such a reflex). I have told my supervisor and a couple of my coworkers, but he hasn't really crossed any lines and our hands are also somewhat tied for other reasons that I can't get into.

This time, while I was helping him, he was quieter than usual and then asked if I'd gotten engaged. I said "almost" or "pretty close" or something to that effect. He said "Well, congratulations in advance, then..." and didn't try to talk to me much more, though I noticed it didn't stop him from looking at me as much as ever. We'll see if it deters him at all the next time he's in, I suppose.

I've done some web searching and found a few links from girls with similar dilemmas: Retail-Sucks complains about a married guy who comes to her store and is not deterred by her cheap wedding band. Some women are harnessing the power of camera phones to fight back against creepy guys who hit on them in the street. One seemingly-decent guy asked whether it was appropriate to chat up a pretty girl working at a gaming store, and responses were mixed. Here's an account of how a wing-woman can save you at a public event.

So what do you do when you get hit on, especially at work, and especially when you're the only employee who's right there? Some of you are actually married or engaged, which must help a bit, but I have a feeling that the creepiest guys of all wouldn't be too deterred even by that! Eww.

We are way overdue for a survey (survey)

2008-07-23T09:25:00.001-05:00

80 Things You Might Not Know About Me

Whats your middle name? Lynn

How big is your bed? Full

What are you listening to right now? Library sounds... phones, coworkers chatting, computer humming, a CD Althea gave me

What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number? 6583

What was the last thing you ate? A mini Hershey bar

Last person you hugged? Matt was the last human, and then Gulliver this morning

How is the weather right now? Totally crappy

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? A telemarketer whom I cut off so I could go help a crazy person

What is the first thing u notice in the opposite sex? Haircut

Favorite type of Food? Pizza

Do you want children? Yes

Do you drink? Some

Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night? Nope, no blackouts, and aiming to keep it that way

Hair color? Brown

Eye color? Hazel... predominantly green

Do you wear contacts/glasses? Contacts

Favorite holiday? Ash Wednesday

Favorite Season? Summer or fall

Have you ever cried over a girl/boy? Of course!

Last Movie you Watched? The Dark Knight

What books are you reading? Accounting for Dummies and The Watsons Go to Birmingham-- 1963

Piercings? Ears

Favorite Movie? Star Wars, probably

Favorite college football Team? PSU

What were you doing before filling this out? Dealing with three crazy people (what is it? Loony day?)

Any pet peeves? Cracking gum/chewing it with your mouth open; getting hit on; rude people

Dogs or cats? Dogs

Favorite Flower? Roses, carnations, Quaker ladies

Have you ever loved someone? Yes! Geez.

Who would you like to see right now? Matt, Althea, LeeAnn, Jayna, Chris...

Have you ever fired a gun? Yep

Do you like to travel by plane? Eh... it's efficient, but no, I don't really enjoy it.

Right-handed or Left-handed? Right

If you could go to any place right now where would you go? Probably the beach... I feel like everyone is taking these amazing trans-Atlantic trips right now, and here I am, unable to get away for a WEEKEND... Grr. Feel sorry for me!

Are you missing someone? Yes...

Do you have a tattoo? No

Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? Like I'm up that early!

Are you hiding something from someone? Oh, several things from my parents :)

ARE YOU 18? Closing in on a quarter-century

WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOUR CELLPHONE? A butterfly

DID YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP LAST NIGHT? Nope... Bible study is apparently going to run 2 1/2 hours as a regular thing

FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MORNING? Wow, dreaming about checking out library books to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's kids is a really pathetic dream

WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY AT YOUR BEDSIDE? Alarm clock, glasses holder, Kleenexes, Nalgene

GRILLED OR FRIED? Grilled

WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE? My scars :)

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? Not really...

FAVORITE HANGOUT? The pool

3 THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT? Oxygen, water, and God

FAVORITE SONG? Be Thou My Vision

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? Losing the people I love or my livelihood

ARE YOU A GIVER OR TAKER? Both... in some relationships I feel like I do all of the giving, but then in a couple others I feel like I do all of the taking, and I'm trying to fix that

WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Kel is the one used most often

WHAT IS YOUR DADS MIDDLE NAME? Lynn... yes, we have the same one

WHATS YOUR MOTHERS MIDDLE NAME? Eileen (she hates it)

STUCK ON A DESERTED ISLAND & COULD TAKE ONE THING? Anna Karenina

FAVORITE TV show? Gilmore Girls, That 70's Show, The Magnificent 7

COMMERCIAL? Ugh

WHO'S YOUR CELL PHONE PROVIDER? Verizon

FIRST THING YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE? Kitty

Whats your favorite color? Blue

WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS TAKE WITH YOU? Purse, keys, phone

WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? A writer, and people really need to recognize the fact that I no longer harbor that ambition and that in fact I gave it up a good 10 years ago

WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO WHEN THE CLOCK TURNS? Turns?

THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEEt?? Cream... 600-thread count :)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT BEFORE YOU GO TO BED? Why doesn't the kitty come to bed with me anymore, and I miss Matt, and morning is going to come way too quickly

Back to the theodicy question

2008-07-21T09:38:00.000-05:00

What is wrong with this world?

I've been following this story in the papers for the last couple of days, but it is so heinous that I see it made msn.com's front page today. This woman in Wilkinsburg (one of the towns surrounding Pittsburgh) seems to have killed another woman and CUT THE BABY OUT OF HER WOMB. She had been claiming to be pregnant for months; someone even threw her a baby shower. She now claims that she miscarried that baby, but who knows. It took police a couple of days to find the dead woman's body because the alleged murderer's sister took police to the wrong apartment when they did their initial investigation.

What horrifies me even more is that she stabbed a woman in 1990 in an attempt to take her baby, and the next day she stole a baby from a hospital. She was paroled out in '98 after serving seven years of a 10-year maximum sentence. And she was still out running around and able to do this. Her husband, I believe, is currently in jail for molesting little girls.

I hope this time they lock her up and don't let her out. I'm fairly libertarian, and you can tell me that she's mentally ill and needs help (I'm sure it's true), but that doesn't mean that she should be running around free when she has a proven track record of attempted murder and kidnapping. In fact, I'm not sure why ANYONE is ever let out again after they try to someone else's life, except in self-defense. I'm all for the rights of the individual, but when you try to kill someone else or repeatedly attempt to steal babies, you forfeit those rights because you have proven to be a danger to society. Ugh.

Getting it all together

2008-07-17T14:55:00.002-05:00

To counter yesterday's post... here are some of the things I do that are GOOD.

* I work out. Well, I try to work out. It hasn't really been happening lately, what with being busy and all. But I do make it a pretty high priority and I think overall I do better than average at getting my butt to the gym.

* I have switched to whole-grain pasta and all-natural peanut butter.

* I have a cat who sheds but who also loves me very much.

* I started on FlyLady's baby steps last night and am now on Day 2! I'm not signing up for the brain-washing spam... but I'm all for baby steps. I get dressed every day, anyway, so for my Day 2 effort I decided to get dressed first thing this morning and eat breakfast last. Got me out the door much quicker when I was rushing through my primping so I could fill my growling tummy!

* I always get my oil changed within a gas tank's worth of the target mileage.

* I take my own lunch, water, AND coffee to work EVERY DAY.

* I go to church every Sunday. I miss an average of three weekends a year.

* I know what an open-access refereed journal is.

* I am taking the plunge and going to be taking Financial Accounting, starting next month

What are some of the things that you do that are nudging you on your way to perfection?

How to have it all together

2008-07-16T17:10:00.000-05:00

You know those girls? The ones who have that perfect hair... all. the. time. The ones who can wear old sweats and t-shirts and somehow make you want to rush out and buy sweats and t-shirts so you look like them. The ones who always have a ready arsenal of gracious small-talk and who NEVER have piles of cat fur festooned all around their living rooms.

I have always wanted to be one of those girls.

As I creep farther and farther into my 20's, I become more and more convinced that I am never going to be one of those girls.

I have largely made my peace with it. (Largely.) I have, of course, learned to do many things much better, and I try to have at least some measure of polish. E-How attempts to extract the essence of elegance and I take notes.

But... whenever I run into one of those girls I suddenly feel very short, and waistless, and like I have very dark and unmanageable hair and eyebrows. I remember my fur-covered coffee table and the piles of dishes in my sink, even though they are probably miles and miles away. I remember all of the friends that I need to call back and that my checkbook won't balance AGAIN.

Sigh. As I said, I have largely made my peace with this. I no longer order fru-fru drinks just because that's what all of the other girls are drinking-- I grab a can of Miller Lite because I like beer more than pink things in small glasses, and I remind myself that the pink things in small glasses have three times as many calories, anyway. I no longer spend lots of time trying to make my hair do the messy-bun thing because it just WON'T do the messy-bun thing. I ponytail or cram it into a big claw clip (selected to match my hair color, at least).

But... I kinda sorta really wish I had it together more. That I weren't wading in cat hair when I walk across the living room. That my apartment had that gracious, uncluttered, an-adult-lives-here vibe. That I didn't always have a small coffee stain or a loose button somewhere. That my desk at work were not covered in messy piles of computer printouts. Oh, well. Perfection is, they say, overrated.

Trip to Idaho, Part II, and bridal shower

2008-07-15T15:23:00.000-05:00

Dear readers!

I have neglected you.

I am sorry. Life has been very busy. But I promised a final chapter to the Jayna's Wedding saga, and much has also transpired since then. First, Trip to Idaho, Part II:

After arriving, I settled into my room at the NNU Alumni House, which was lovely and homey and hospitable. They keep the fridge stocked with sodas and bottled water, and the kitchen always has a full cookie jar and usually a hot pot of coffee. It felt good to be among friends. The great thing about NNU is that everyone is connected; if you don't know the lady behind the desk, well, that's okay, because her son probably graduated with you. (I didn't, and he did.) The Nazarene Network is a little creepy until you get used to it, and then you realize that it can actually be wonderful and comforting.

The main thing I noticed throughout my stay on campus was the sense of peace I felt. I should mention that this was definitely NOT something I felt most of the time that I was attending NNU! But going back after a few years gave me more perspective (and also the assurance that I wasn't going to run into any arch-enemies in a bizarre and toxic love pentagon on the sidewalk outside of the fine arts building). You can tell that people there love God and that people have been loving Him there for a very long time. It's not a feeling that I have often. I'm not the most mystical of evangelicals, but once in a while I do sense that a place has been devoted to God in a special way.

Anyway. After getting settled, I walked out to the prayer chapel/garden. The prayer chapel was locked up for the summer with a sign saying to call campus security if I needed in. I sat down on a bench and called Matt instead and told him my tale of woe. Then I called Kevin Dennis (English prof I TA'd for, for those of you not privileged enough to have attended my illustrious alma mater) and we decided to meet up for lunch at 1:30. Five hours later we decided that he should probably get back home and that I should call Amber so I could hang out with her that evening. What can I say? We are kindred spirits. Despite the fact that he's voting for Obama.

Amber and I met up and went to Red Robin for dinner. It's amazing how three years of extremely sporadic contact suddenly seemed irrelevant. We had a blast catching up on each other's lives and making fun of people and talking politics and getting lost on the way BACK TO CAMPUS FROM RED ROBIN, which I still cannot believe I managed to do. One wrong turn and wow, I don't remember these wheat fields everywhere in the middle of Nampa. Amber was tolerant. She is used to my absent-mindedness. I was, of course, also jet-lagged and running on the last trickles of caffeine from the coffee house with Kevin three or four hours earlier. The two-time-zone jump never bothered me before in all of the times I'd flown from Pittsburgh to Boise, but I think being up until ungodly hours and the general strain of the trip out had more to do with it than did the time change.

Anyway, Jayna called me that night and said that they were having a breakfast for the bridesmaids at her parents' house in the morning and that I was welcome to come, too. I was happy about that; I had been worried that I wouldn't get to actually spend any time with her. I went to bed, looking forward to sleeping off some of my extreme exhaustion.

Alas. I was too keyed-up to sleep. That or my body decided to punish me for the horrible things I was doing to it by not letting me get a good night's rest. I ended up finally getting up a couple of hours earlier than I'd planned, but it gave me a chance to talk to Matt for a few minutes and then to wander around campus. It was another lovely Idaho day, and I was interested to see what had and what had not changed (not much has changed). I met up with Jayna's sister at the appointed time and followed her out to Jayna's parents' new house.

The breakfast was fantastic. :) I got to spend some quality time with Jayna and her parents and her sister and her grandma and Mindy and Maui (the dog) and Gato (the cat). It was funny how nothing much has changed there, either. I suppose three years really doesn't make that much difference past a certain point; when you're a kid, you and your peers change dramatically in a couple of years, but after you reach adulthood, it seems to level off.

The girls all went off to get hair and makeup done around noon, so I tried to get in touch with another of my former profs, but had no luck reaching him. I got lunch at Subway and took my book up to the English department to read in the green chair. Kevin was there doing a paper consultation with a student, so we got to chat some more, too.

I got to the church an hour or so before the service started because I was Guestbook Girl. I initially thought that this was a pointless, token role, but I discovered differently. You would be astonished at how many people really do not know how to sign a guest registry. Granted, instead of a traditional ruled book, they had large index cards with flowers stamped on them to indicate where the signatures should go, and then the completed cards were placed into a (clear!) glass bowl, to be incorporated into a memory album later. The advantage of this system was that three signatures could be put on a single card and that you could have four lines signing at once. The disadvantage was that the unconventional method threw people, especially elderly people, into a state of genuine distress. Many old people would stare at a card with one signature already on it, listen to my explanation of the system, ponder several more moments, and then cautiously lay the 1/3-filled card to the side and sign their name on a fresh one. Sigh.

The ceremony was very nice. I think. The sanctuary was huge, and dark, and I was the last person in (Guestbook Girl), so I was in the back. But I know Jayna said "I do," because she was very, very confident when she said it, and everyone tittered. :)

As soon as Mr. & Mrs. were back down the aisle, I had to run back to my table, scoop up my guestbook supplies, throw them into my rental car, and drive back to Nampa to the reception site (conveniently located about 75 yards from the Alumni House). I set up my stuff again, guided a few people through the complex process of signing their names, and decided, screw it, people should be able to figure this out on their own, and I wasn't about to miss out on cake.

I didn't know too many people at the reception, though I did get to chat with the library ladies a bit and saw one of my former English profs (not entirely sure he remembered who I was!). At this point I was just very, very tired, and wishing that Matt were there, or that there were more people I knew from college, or that there were a jacuzzi waiting for me back in my room at the Alumni House. But the eventual send-off was very fun.

The trip back was relatively uneventful. On the first flight I got bumped from my window seat by a family with lots of small children and did end up sitting next to a pastor from Boise who turned out to have briefly dated one of my fellow English majors, class of '05. My connection out of Minneapolis was delayed by about half an hour, as I woozled exhaustedly in my seat at the terminal and clutched my coffee cup.

I came through security at Pittsburgh excited to see Matt standing there waiting so I could fall into his arms and make him carry me the rest of the day. But he wasn't there. I looked. It felt somewhat anticlimactic to pull out my phone and text "Where are you?!" He was down by baggage claim, thinking that I would have come out there. I didn't make him carry me, after all, but I did make him sit with me on the floor while we waited for my suitcase, and then I made him carry that (actually, he just took it because he's nice and gentlemanly like that, but it's more fun to say that I made him).

So. That is the trip to Idaho.

Bridal shower!

Althea's bridal shower was on Saturday. I had been stressing out over it for months. Every step of the way, from getting her to register somewhere to getting a guest list to getting responses from ANY of the guests as to whether they planned to attend or not was twice as difficult as it needed to be. I wanted to have something fun that she would enjoy and that her mother would feel good about.

I went with a camping theme, since Althea and Derek met at camp and because Althea isn't really the white lace girly type. I plotted games and planned out an order of events and bought fragrant herbs for prizes.

We had a guest.

Derek's mother came. That was it. So that made five of us total (my mom came, too).

Actually, it turned out okay. We had a good time. We all sat around and made mini s'mores over candles and gabbed and made fun of Derek, who wasn't there to defend himself. We scrapped the games, but I did make Althea sit on the "throne" and unwrap gifts. It was fun. Everybody appreciated all of the little fun touches (favors wrapped as foil packs and such).

Pretty much I'm just glad it's over. :)

Yahrtzeit

2008-07-06T21:40:00.000-05:00

Not much--

My grandma died two years ago today. Actually, I mark her death on July 4, 2006, as that was the day that she fell in the early hours of the morning and never woke up. But clinically she died on July 6th, 2006, and that is the date on the viewing card and the funeral bulletin.

Oddly, or perhaps not so oddly, I still grieve at times. Not for long, and not as intensely as I did, but still sometimes. I wonder, too, sometimes if I'll ever be able to celebrate the 4th of July without thinking the whole time in the back of my mind about driving from Clarion to Johnstown to be in the hospital with the family and to hold Grandma's hand, even though I knew she couldn't feel it and wouldn't grip back with the unexpected talon-like grasp she used to grab me with.

The last decade of life was not kind to her physically, so it was and is easier for me than it could have been. I don't know if anyone else in the family felt that way, but I know that, to me, knowing that she was never going to be hooked up to a machine again or take another fistful of pills was a great comfort.

Here is one of the passages that were read at the funeral service, which also brought me a great deal of comfort in the weeks following her death (which were hard for many reasons). Grandma loved the Living Bible, which I know is not a great paraphrase, but I use that version here:

"For we know that even the things of nature, like animals and plants, suffer in sickness and death as they await this great event. And even we Christians, althrough we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, also groan to be released from pain and suffering. We, too, wait anxiously for that day when God will give us our full rights as his children, including the new bodies he has promised us-- bodies that will never be sick again and will never die.

"We are saved by trusting. And trusting means looking forward to getting something we don't yet have-- for a man who already has something doesn't need to hope and trust that he will get it. But if we must keep trusting God for something that hasn't happened yet, it teaches us to wait patiently and confidently.

"And in the same way-- by our faith-- the Holy Spirit helps us with our daily problems and in our praying. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how to pray as we should; but the Holy Spirit prays for us with such feeling that it cannot be expressed in words."

-- Romans 8:22-26

Trip to Idaho, Part I

2008-07-02T14:01:00.001-05:00

At long last, I return. My trip to Idaho was, by turns, heavenly and hellish (not unlike my time attending NNU, come to think of it). Anyone who wishes to see visual evidence of the trip can look at the album on Facebook.

My flight out of Pittsburgh was departing at 6:40, so I went in to work as usual Wednesday morning and left at lunch. Matt got the afternoon off of work, too, so we left my place a little after three because we were worried about rush hour and game traffic (Pirates were playing the Yankees). We did have to sit in the city for a while, but we got there in plenty of time, got my bag checked in, and got dinner at Au Bon Pain. I was at my gate about 10 minutes before they started boarding, and my first flight was pretty much without incident.

I always change planes in Minneapolis. The Minneapolis/St. Paul airport is humongous, and I learned years ago to use every moving walkway I could and to keep walking while on them. This time, however, I had no problem getting to my gate in a reasonable amount of time, and I settled down with my book and a yawn (it was already my bedtime back in PA). There was a six-minute delay listed on the screen, which seemed somewhat pointless, as you can't predict flight times to that level of accuracy in the first place.

Boarding time approached. The Northwest folks announced that our plane was going to be a little delayed getting in from San Francisco. We waited. I yawned. This flight was supposed to arrive in Boise at 11:30 mountain time (1:30 am to me), which clearly wasn't going to be happening. The plane finally arrived and its passengers disembarked; those of us waiting perked up. Then the announcement came over the intercom that one of the seats on the plane needed to be repaired, and then the plane would need to be cleaned and catered, and then we could be on our way.

All in all, we were a good hour late when we finally started boarding. I always request a window seat, and I was hoping to get to doze a little during the 2 1/2 hour flight so I would be coherent for the 25-minute drive to the alumni house on campus. But somehow, instead of a window seat, I was sitting in the center. The girl on my left in the window seat chewed her gum with her mouth open for the first half hour (I have ZERO tolerance for this), before curling up under a hoodie and periodically elbowing me in the arm as she tried to sleep. On my right, in the aisle seat, sat a man holding a one-year-old girl with angelic golden curls. The little cherub proceeded to scream the entire 2 1/2 hours... well, I think she did stop briefly, because I did manage to doze for about 15 minutes. I had earplugs in and my earphones on, but that really only takes the edge off of a toddler at full volume two feet from your best ear.

As we began the descent into Boise, I pulled out my car rental reservation form from Enterprise. I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to like what I found. We were arriving around 12:30 in the morning, and, sure enough, my reservation information indicated that the Enterprise counter was open from 6:00 am to midnight. I had a feeling that while you might be able to drop off a car after-hours, there probably wasn't going to be a way to pick one up.

We all trudged our way out through the security gate. My fellow travellers were greeted with cries and hugs. I trudged on by, remember when that had been me. At the foot of the escalator, I turned into the rental car bay, which was dark and cavernous. The Dollar rental counter and the Avis counter were staffed; the others were all deserted. I had a feeling that nothing productive would come of my effort, but at this point, I had to try. I approached the girl at the Dollar counter, which had the shorter line. "Hi. I'm 24. Will you rent to me?"

She said yes, but that there was an under-25 driver fee that would be assessed per day of rental. I asked how much it would run me to rent a car and bring it back around 7:00 in the morning on Saturday. She clicked keys for a very long time and finally said, "Well, all I have left is a Sebring convertible. It looks like that would be about $371.00." I decided that a night's lodging was almost certainly less than the difference between that and the Enterprise rate, so I thanked her and trudged to Avis, where I repeated my question. Avis, I re-discovered, will flat-out not rent to anyone under the age of 25 (which I am by about 8 weeks) who does not have a military ID or proof that the car is for business travel purposes. I had neither, so I got my suitcase from baggage claim (about the third to last off of the plane).

I wheeled it over to a pay phone, sat down on it, and opened the phone book to the yellow pages. I began calling every hotel that sounded in my price range and said it was near the airport. Some were full, some were charging $99 or more a night, and I was very, very tired because I had just flown across the country and it felt, to me, like 3:00 in the morning.

Finally the Hampton Inn said that they had a room I could have for $69. I said "Great. I'm at the airport. Is there a way for me to get there from here?" The girl said that a red and green shuttle van would come by the entrance outside of baggage claim to pick me up. Relieved, I said thank you, got my pepper spray out, and wheeled my suitcase out to the front of the airport.

Boise has accumulated a large Indian and Pakistani taxi-driving population in the three years that I have been gone, and they all wanted to give me a ride. No, no, I said; I'm waiting for a shuttle. One by one, the taxis left, until I stood alone beside my red suitcase, wondering why there was a lone police car camped out way down at the far end of the drop-off lanes.

After some time, a man who said he was a baggage handler for Northwest came out and asked me if I were waiting for someone. Yes, I explained, I was waiting for a shuttle. Upon discovering that I had been waiting for 10 or 15 minutes (time was beginning to lose all meaning to me at this point), he said he was going to go to his office and call the Hampton to make sure the shuttle was actually coming. I thanked him.

After a couple of minutes, he reappeared and said that the hotel said that the shuttle was pretty tied up (at 1:00 in the morning on a Wednesday in Boise, Idaho? Sure it was.), so they were sending a cab and would cover the cost of the fare. Thank you, sir, I said. He said no problem, and to watch for a silver van. So I waited. And waited. And waited a while longer. Every once in a while the nice baggage handler man would come out to check on me. I told him not to stay on my account, but he said that he was there til 1:30, regardless, and that he didn't like to leave a single female out there alone. I thanked him again.

....At about 1:25, I sank down onto my suitcase and just started to cry. I was really running out of options-- I couldn't really rent a car; I had called for a shuttle and it had not come; I had called for a taxi and it had not come; there are no comfortable places in the Boise airport to curl up for a nap; and I was very, very, very tired. Enterprise would open in another 4 ½ hours, but even if I waited that long, I would be in no condition to drive at that point. I decided that if the taxi didn't appear in 15 more minutes that I would go back inside and lie down on the linoleum floor in front of the Enterprise counter and put my head on my backpack and try to sleep a little.

Just about then, though, around the corner came a silver van with a taxi sign on top. I sniffled up my tears and dragged myself to my feet in joy. The van stopped and rolled down the window. "Are you going to the Hampton?" I said yes, dragging my stuff towards the van. "Oh, I can't pick you up on this side," he said. "This is for the taxis and I'll get ticketed. I need to go around and I'll pick you up on the other side." He pointed to the other side of a raised center section with a bunch of benches. Okay. He kept going and I pulled my suitcase and self over to one of the benches.

I watched the taillights go down to the other end of the airport and then disappear. I had assumed that he was going the 100 yards or so to the end of the median and was going to swing a U-turn and come back, but apparently this was not the case. "Where does he have to go?!" I asked the nice baggage handler man. "All the way down to the red light on the intersection with Vista," he replied. Good lord.

Five minutes later, the taxi reappeared and the driver (who was neither Indian nor Pakistani) helped me load my stuff in. I thanked the nice baggage handler man for all of his help, and sighed a great sigh of relief. In a few minutes, we pulled up to the hotel entrance, unloaded my stuff, and headed inside. The driver explained that he had to go in and sign for the ride, since the hotel gave them a reduced fare for this kind of thing. As we approached the counter, though, the man behind it looked at us like we were lunatics. Suddenly the driver turned to me and exclaimed, "OH! You said the Hampton! This is the wrong hotel!"

So we went back out, loaded up all of my stuff, and drove a block down and across the street. I made sure, this time, that the sign said Hampton. We unloaded my stuff, I dragged it inside, he signed a form on the desk, and left. I was looking for the bell when a girl appeared to check me in. "When's check-out?" I asked. She told me that it was at 11:00. Did I want a wake-up call? No. "If I check out around 11:00, will there be a way for me to get back to the airport?" Yes, she said. The shuttle stopped running the route at 10:00, but they could call it to come get me whenever I needed. Great, I said. I dragged myself and my stuff to my room, texted Matt that I was alive, took a shower, and collapsed into bed for about 7 hours.

The next morning I went down to check out at about 10:45. "They told me that you could call the shuttle to take me to the airport," I told the girl at the desk. She looked at me blankly and said that the shuttle had stopped running 45 minutes ago. "Yes," I said, "But when I checked in last night, they said that you could call it after 10:00."

"Noo," she answered. "We only contract with them for those hours. I can call you a cab…"

I sighed. "Do you know if Enterprise really does pick you up, like they say in the commercials?"

She didn't know. I asked for the phone book, called, and explained my situation. Enterprise girl said that she could switch my reservation to that morning, no problem there, but that they could not pick me up because they were located in the airport and that would be considered running a taxi service to the airport and they weren't licensed for that. Okay. I hung up and told the hotel girl that I apparently needed a cab.

Fortunately, it was a lovely summer Idaho day, with a clear blue sky and sunshine galore. I sat on a bench outside for a few minutes, telling myself that it was all going to go uphill from here. It would. I was almost there, it was a beautiful day, and I was so close to Nampa at this point that I could walk and still make the wedding. After about five minutes, though, lo and behold, up comes the red and green shuttle that everyone had kept talking about!

The driver asked how I had enjoyed my stay, and I explained that it hadn't really started yet. I asked how much I owed him (figuring that they went to taxi rates after 10:00), but he said that it was a free service run by the hotels! So desk girl didn't know anything.

At Enterprise, I prepaid for a tank of gas, knowing full well that it was a rip-off, but also determined to not take any chances on anything else going wrong for this trip (like, say, trying to find a gas station within a mile of the airport at 6:30 Saturday morning). I also said yes, I would take the extra damage insurance. They tried to give me a free upgrade to a full-size car, but I said I'd wait the extra five minutes while they cleaned out a Cobalt (not taking chances on prepaying for a full tank on a full-size car, either!).

From that point on, the trip was smooth sailing. I tuned in KTSY on the radio and zipped my way to Nampa and NNU. The folks at the Alumni House observed that I was late. Yes, I agreed, yes, I was.

And that is most of the story. More later.

I still freakin’ hate my neighbors

2008-06-20T12:11:00.000-05:00

I am so tired of living in what amounts to a frat house. I ordered season 7 of Gilmore Girls from a seller on Amazon weeks ago, and I still haven't gotten it. Then, just last week, I ordered a tote bag from L.L. Bean for my upcoming trips. I checked my order number on the website and the tracking information indicates that it was delivered to my front door on Wednesday at 2:30 in the afternoon. Yeah, guess what, it wasn't there when I got home at 5:10.

I called the apartment manager and told her that I think some of the neighbors are taking my packages. Her response was that I should have the post office hold all of my packages for pickup. Okay... I also told her that I am getting tired of the noise from the girls across the way and would they please ask them to at least close their front door when they're there?! She said that they would mention it.

Next I called the post office and asked them to hold all of my packages for me to come pick up. The lady made it sound like that would be no problem.

Then I called L.L. Bean and told them that I had not yet received my package, despite the fact that it said that FedEx had delivered it. They were really nice and helpful about all of it (I didn't share my theiving-neighbors suspicions with them; I just told them that it said it had been delivered and I haven't gotten it yet). They're going to have Fed-Ex retrace their steps and see if they can figure out what happened to it, but that they do stand by their deliveries and if the package can't be found, they'll reship at no cost to me. They said I'll hear from them by Monday. Maybe at that time I can ask them to send the second shipment by some more secure method?

Hopefully, then, all I will be out is the $20 for the Gilmore Girls set. I have two packages of books (again for the trips) on the way, but hopefully they will now be held by the post office for pickup. Ideally it would be nice for the L.L. Bean bag to get here by Wednesday afternoon so I can still use it on my trip, but mainly I will settle for not being out the $48 for the bag. It was a big back-and-forth for me to decide on the purchase in the first place, with finances being what they are for me this wedding season.

I've never had a problem with packages before, but I guess I'm going to have to start doing what some of my co-workers do and just have everything delivered to work. There's always somebody around to sign for stuff and it won't get stolen. Grr. If moving weren't such a colossal hassle and if I didn't like the apartment (not neighbors) I already have so very much... But I really question whether anywhere around here would be better. It's a college town and it's just overrun with students. It's the nature of the beast.

Postscript to previous post

2008-06-16T14:24:00.001-05:00

The cataloger just quit.

So now, starting July 10, I get to work every THIRD Saturday instead of every fourth until such time as we hire a replacement. And possibly extra nights.

Wheels of the academia hiring process, turn faster!

Weddings, weddings, weddings!!!!

2008-06-16T10:54:00.000-05:00

First off, if you are plotting your march down the aisle, congratulations, that's lovely, and I'm happy for you. I genuinely am.

But since a blog is, by nature, a narcissistic creature, let's get back to ME.

I got another "sorry, can't make it" response to the invitations I sent out for Althea's bridal shower. That makes 7 negatives and one "yes" (from her mother). There are still 9 unaccounted for out there, and the RSVP deadline is a week from tomorrow. Saturday night I had a nightmare that I was the ONLY one at the shower-- not even Althea and her mom showed up! I attempted to console myself with the reflection that I could now eat an entire 1/4 sheet cake by myself. But even in my dream, I felt like a failure as an event coordinator and like a bad friend.

My bedroom is overflowing with plastic shopping bags full of favors, wrapping paper, tablecloths, and plastic punch glasses. Oh, and wedding gifts. For some insane reason I decided to go light but bulky with both of the wedding gifts I have already purchased. I'm flying out to Idaho for Jayna's wedding next Wednesday and have started anxiously eyeing the gift bag, tissue paper, and of course, gift that I am going to have to get into my largest suitcase. The suitcase that I will have to manhandle into a rental economy car at what feels like 2:00 AM all by myself. Why the heck didn't I get a nice card and write her a check like any sane person flying across the continent would do?! The gift, bag, and tissue paper are presently sitting on top of the box that contains Althea's shower gift. The box weighs 10 pounds but is 4 feet tall, three feet wide, and two feet deep. Why on earth didn't I look more closely at the dimensions on the website before I ordered it?!

Last week I discovered that, despite the fact that I asked three months ago to not be scheduled to work the weekend of September 13th, I was, of course, scheduled to work the weekend of September 13th. Fortunately one of the other librarians offered to trade a November weekend with me for it so I can attend the wedding for which I am maid of honor. Shortly thereafter I realized that this will mean that I work two consecutive weekends in November, which will be awful, anyway. But then it occurred to me that Chris and Jen are getting married November 8, which I would have been scheduled to be working, in any case, and which will now be virtually impossible to trade my way out of since I'm now also working the following weekend. I wanted only TWO Saturdays off all fall, and I drew to work both of them. What are the odds? Hopefully I can strike a deal for a trade with the cataloger tomorrow when he gets back from vacation.

I'm still trying to decide when to take my cat up to my grandparents' so he can be fed and petted while I am in Idaho.

All of this, naturally, makes a girl start thinking about how she would do things for her own wedding. When/if my turn comes, I think that my anti-bride sentiments will remain intact. Did you know that the state of Virginia requires no blood tests and/or waiting periods after you fork over your $40, cash, for a marriage license? Or that Richmond is a 5 1/2 hour drive away from here? (The state line is closer.) The only problem with that is that it would be nice to have the ceremony performed by a clergyman with whom we had some connection. But... on the other side of the coin... I really don't think I'd be able to stomach spending a year of my life planning for one day of it that will be largely forgotten three months later. I'm sure that, to some people, it's worth it... but I don't think it would be for me.

Must... keep... going... Must do homework for the week-long training program I'm attending for work at the end of July... It will all be okay.

I think I must be a feminist...

2008-06-12T13:56:00.001-05:00

Despite my best efforts and my upbringing-- or, perhaps, BECAUSE of them-- I am finding myself lining up on the feminist side of things lately. I don't like that. I don't like feminists, or feminism, mainly because the form of it that I have most often encountered is militant and doesn't like men. I'm not combative and I like men very much (not just in an attracted-to'em way)-- better than I like women, on the average day.

But I am so fed up with romantic nonsense. The "it feels so right!," "I just KNOW!," "It was MEANT to be!" attitudes.

I just finished reading Nicholas Sparks' The Notebook a few days ago. I had never read any of his books before because I somehow considered myself above it. I am a horrible snob about things like that, and I told myself that I really had to stop judging without giving the guy a try first. So I read The Notebook.

Now, aside from the fact that the prose was about as graceful and delicate as a lame teenage elephant, I just didn't like the love story. The part in the hospital where the husband devotes himself to caring for his wife, who suffers from Alzheimer's-- that part I liked. But the part of the book where Noah and Allie are young and "falling in love." Ew. I realize that non-Christian entertainment is going to portray unmarried people having sex, but usually even non-Christians recognize that cheating is bad. But in this book, because they're so swept away by their uncontrollable passion for each other, it's somehow okay for them to sleep together despite the fact that Allie is still engaged to marry another man in three weeks.

That's cheating. Cheating is ugly. I don't care how romantic it is. If she didn't want to marry the lawyer, that was her decision... but a relationship isn't truly over until both parties in it are aware of it. The Notebook and Titanic can gloss it over and put it in front of a pretty fire and make it all sound perfect and right, but it's not. And that's my first beef with a lot of romantic writing and movies. They disguise wrong as right under the argument that "ordinary" rules don't apply in the presence of "extraordinary" feelings.

The next is an attitude that is well-captured in this article I read online. It's a nice story about a nice church program that provides free prom dresses to girls.

Excerpt:

"Being a 16- or 17-year-old girl isn’t easy. It’s so much about the dress. It’s about the assurance of being wanted—and cherished.

"It’s not so much about the boy—at 16, boys are pretty much interchangeable—but about the idea of the boy, the prince who’ll come rescue the girl from a life of pain or, even more so, of desperate banality."

The only Prince any girl should be waiting for to rescue her from a life of pain or banality is Jesus. And trust me, He is the only one who is truly capable of doing so. He wants you, He cherishes you, that's what matters, and if the boys don't like you, why should that change anything? Why on earth would you base your sense of worth or value on the opinions of one or a few other imperfect creatures (who, in the case of 16-year-old boys, are not generally known for their wisdom or discernment) when all you have to do is look at the cross to see that the infinite God thinks that you are worth everything?

I love pretty dresses, and I think God probably does, too. I'm sure it brings Him joy to see His girls getting excited about dressing up and being beautiful. He created beauty, after all, and that's one of the biggest reasons that makes me love Him. But I can't help but wonder if it grieves Him that, instead of feeling valuable because He tells them they are, His daughters are running around constantly seeking affirmation that they are lovely and wanted. I wonder if His heart aches a little when a girl thinks she has a rotten life because she hasn't landed a boyfriend or a husband yet. I wonder if it makes Him sad when He sees girls rushing down the aisle because they're afraid to be alone with Him.

I wish more girls would take Luci Swindoll as their role model over Sleeping Beauty.

Does that make me a feminist? The belief that women shouldn't abandon common sense, right and wrong, or autonomy? I'm not out crusading for women's rights or women in leadership roles, but I'm sick of women just choosing to be weak instead of capable. It seems to me that having a spine and, you know, being a person instead of weathervane that swings in the breeze of male regard makes you a better partner and helpmate, too.

My mom and I had a conversation a week or two ago about marriage and the biblical role of both spouses. We believe firmly that the husband is the head of the household and should be the leader and that wives should submit to their husbands... but that doesn't mean the wife is a doormat who has no mind of her own and who serves her husband hand and foot all day long. You'd better believe my mom has input on family decisions! :) In the end, they go with what Dad decides, but Mom is a huge part of arriving at that conclusion.

I love Matt dearly and he's brought so much into my life and I absolutely love it, but I wasn't exactly sitting around doing nothing before he showed up. We've had several conversations about how it's nice to know that we're together because we want to be and are right for each other, and not because we're afraid to not be in a relationship. I think my best friend described it best a couple of years ago, talking about her now-fiance: "I love him and I sort of consider him a part of me now, like my right arm. I would be loathe to lose him, but I like to think there's more to me than just being his girl."

Next on the reading list: Captivating. I'm trying to not pre-judge. Um...

A little comfort for the day

2008-06-11T12:21:00.001-05:00

My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you is lacking in wisdom, ask God, who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and it will be given you. -James 1:2-5 (NRSV)

I usually like the NLT best, but I think the NRSV captured this particular passage even better. I was very encouraged to read this scripture selection in my Upper Room devotional today.

Faith, like a muscle, cannot grow unless we use it, stretch it, and push it farther than it wants to go. When I'm at the gym, I don't really want to run that extra 1/4 mile... but I know that if I do it a few times, soon it will be easy. I remind myself that I'm building endurance, which makes it easier to go on a challenging hike or to stay up on waterskis for much longer than I used to be able to manage. Endurance is one of my main physical fitness goals, and I think that I want it to be one of my major faith fitness goals, too.

I want to be mature, and steady, and wise. Those are qualities I really admire in others, and I would like to acquire them, myself. I love this passage's assurance that troubles that force me to go on faith are building the first two and that God always answers prayers for wisdom with an affirmative.

So yeah, I’m kind of weird...

2008-06-03T13:32:00.000-05:00

You know, sometimes, when I just can't sit at my desk any longer, I go back to the stacks for a few minutes. I slowly walk down one of the aisles between the shelves and listen to the silence and let my eyes quietly scan the rows and rows of books. And I still get all tingly from the energy and potential sitting there, waiting for me.

I start in the 000's and work my way down, and I turn into one of the rows in the 800's. The aisles are narrower there and the books are shelved more evenly because those books aren't used as often. I see authors and titles that I read in college or before, and I feel like all of those words and minds and thoughts are giving me an accepting, unconditional, unrushed hug 500, 1000, 2000 years in the making.

And I'm glad I do what I do.

Gary Roberts doesn't sleep...

2008-05-30T08:24:00.001-05:00

...he waits.

Boingy boingy boingy

2008-05-12T15:30:00.000-05:00

Icon found on Facebook Bumper Stickers:

"You know your a senior when the Sparknotes are to long!!!"

And you know that you should have been failed out somewhere around the end of sophomore year when you're still making those horrendous mistakes after four years of "higher" education. Good lord.

In perhaps related news, I think I have "finished" my MBA application essay. I put that in quotes because all that really means is that I have a draft but lack the discernment and energy to find the problems and make improvements. If anyone out there would like to read it over and give me feedback, I would be quite appreciative.

Let’s Go Pens!

2008-05-09T11:49:00.000-05:00

Gary Roberts flosses his teeth with a rusty chain.

Who could end the Iraq war? Gary Roberts.

M.C. Hammer says "You can't touch this." But you know who could? Gary Roberts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lxcwqo6NizM

That's leadership right there.

Random thoughtlets

2008-05-06T20:24:00.001-05:00

Ugh. I don't know what's wrong with my lately, but I keep feeling like there's this weird pressure on my breastbone. I don't know if it's all in my head or not. I feel like it's hard to breathe, and at odd moments I worry about my heart just stopping (okay, I'm pretty sure THAT one's all in my head). It's uncomfortable and it makes me a little nervous. And it makes it hard to fall asleep at night.

We're doing our late nights at the library again. Last night was a big success... tonight, not so much. There are a few quiet souls in here studying or just hanging out, but I think we just need to cut it back to one night instead of two.

I did enjoy getting to spend today just puttering around, though. I walked to Rite-Aid and got a couple of things that I needed, and then I read on my balcony in the sun for a while before I made dinner and came in to work. I got the new Nivea sunless tanning lotion, and so far I think I like it. It doesn't smell as awful as the Dove stuff does. I also got a little brush and scissors set for my eyebrows... it made it surprisingly easy to get them looking nice. I love getting my brows waxed, but at $12 a go, it's getting hard to justify, especially since I don't really NEED it when I keep after them well. Now with this little set I can keep everything looking fine all by myself and not have to shell out salon prices.

I'm working on my application for the MBA program. I've requested all of my transcripts and letters of recommendation. Now I just need to write my 2-4 page "personal statement" (yuck), get my resume current and send that in, and fill out the application form. And maybe give someone $35 (I guess I have to pay the application fee?). The personal statement is giving me some trouble. There is not a whole lot of guidance. I am supposed to "focus on one's academic ability for graduate study (well, I already earned ONE master's degree with sparkling grades...), history of work experience (just ask my boss in the next financial meeting what he thinks of me...), and professional goals (be employed and get a paycheck big enough to provide the stuff I need until I want to retire...). The personal statment is viewed as a writing sample."
These things are always so horrid and stilted. I have just over one double-spaced page so far. It's wretched and vascillates between bragging and self-undermining self-deprecation.

Maybe I need to start over. Maybe I will attack each of the three required parts as a separate topic and then figure out a way to splice them all together. I prefer growing pieces holistically, but that is not going so well so far...

A whole lotta nothing

2008-05-04T15:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, I am so ready to be rid of this perma-headache that I've had for a week and a half. Oh, and the fogginess. and the congestion. And the sneezing. Allergies are a lot of fun.

I would like to know how I always manage to be scheduled to work on the most gorgeous Sunday of the month. I'd rather be hiking.

Thanks to Facebook, I discovered today that a couple of people who were freshmen my senior year of college got engaged to each other. It's kind of weird because I worked at the library with the guy and sang in choir with the girl and I wasn't aware back then that they even knew each other (like you can really NOT know someone in your class at NNU, of course). They were both really fun, sweet, wonderful people, though, so I'm happy for them. :)

In less happy news, I am severely disappointed that Jennifer Aniston is dating John Mayer. She is way too good for him. Poor Jen already has a history of getting the short end in relationships, and John Mayer is such a narcissistic womanizer. Doesn't take a crystal ball to see where this one's going, but I guess she's smart enough to assess that risk for herself. Still... geez, girl.

Oh, wow, too funny

2008-05-01T09:17:00.001-05:00

So I just got on the NNU website (http://www.nnu.edu for those of you not privileged enough to have attended my illustrious alma mater) to make my reservations for the alumni house for Jayna's wedding in June. I laughed out loud at their new slogan on the main page:

"Where students are prepared to be global Christians through academic excellence, social responsiveness, and creative engagement."

BRILLIANT. Though I wonder if a proposal really counts as "creative" when four other guys in your class already beat you to it that spring (foot-washing as proposal method was very popular my senior year).

That had to have been deliberate... right? Surely nobody was so obtuse as to stick that up there without an appreciation for the full meaning...

Just get back up

2008-04-21T16:10:00.000-05:00

The weekend was eventful. Remember my blissful post on Friday, right after I found out that my car repairs were "only" going to cost $322.66? Yes, well, that was written before I drove my "repaired" car home that evening. I found to my dismay that the brakes were only half functional-- you had to pump the pedal several times before the brakes would grip. I made it home safely, thanks in large part to the fact that it was late and there was almost nobody else on the roads (and tail lights make it easy to see the other cars at night). I initially thought this would fix itself as the fluid worked its way through the brake lines, but no such luck. I think it actually got worse.

It turned out, of course, that the garage where I had the work done was not open on Saturdays... and I have to work Monday nights because I am the only librarian on duty. There is no public transportation to speak of in this town and, even though it's only a little over three miles to work from my apartment, I would have to be suicidal to attempt to walk or bike to work (if I even had my bike here). Renting a car is expensive, especially since I am still under the age of 25 and therefore cannot rent from several companies and am slammed with a "risk fee" by the others. So I really had to get this car fixed.

Matt and I made a few phone calls and it turned out that Pep Boys could do it that day, so Matt drove my car out and I drove his. We ran a few errands and Pep Boys called me back and told me that the left cylinder was leaking and the drums both needed to be replaced and the brake lines had to be bled and it was going to run me to the tune of $320.

Distress. But what could I do? On the one hand, I was suspicious that the other garage hadn't felt the need to do any of this. On the other, of course, I realized that the other garage had given me back a car without functioning brakes. And, regardless, I needed to have a car with brakes that worked by 2:00 Monday afternoon. So I told them to go ahead with the repairs.

They called me to come get the car a couple of hours later. Ironically, I checked my mail on the way out and there was a "$10 off your next service" coupon from Pep Boys in my box, so that brought my total down to $310. Sigh, pain, but the brakes worked. Rejoicing.

I drove the car home and parked it. Matt drove to church Sunday morning, so I didn't drive my car again until last evening, when I ran a few errands after he left. I was basking in the quiet, smooth operation of the car and the safe feeling in the brake pedal... until I headed home from my last stop and realized that a loud knocking sound coming from the rear passenger side had begun whenever I applied brake pressure.

More dismay. I called my parents, who expressed their disdain for all chain auto repair stores (Pep Boys, Midas, Monroe Muffler, and the like) and their belief that they all lie through their teeth to make you spend lots of money. I pointed out that I didn't have the time to keep running the car all over creation to try things, and also that I could have easily died with the brakes working the way they had before we took the car to Pep Boys. Unconvinced, they just told me to take it back this morning and be very firm about needing it to be done by 2:00 and about refusing to pay for any fix of the fix that might need to be done... which had been my plan, anyway. I called Matt, who comforted me and assured me that my wheel would not fall off and send me careening into a semi on my way to Pep Boys.

So this morning I went out there and told my tale of woe to a guy named Sean with heavily-tattooed arms who seemed exponentially brighter and more compassionate than the guy who had taken care of me on Saturday. I had to wait a little while before someone would be available to look at my car, but I was only there about two hours in total when he came back and explained that the drums they had put on were probably a little out of round from being stacked in storage, not enough to be visible to the eye, but enough to make that knocking sound when the flat spot went past the curvature of the brake shoe. He said that they had machined them and hopefully it would cure the sound for good, but if it started making the sound again to bring it back and they might need to try a different brand of drum. He assured me that it was just annoying, not a safety issue, and gave me back my key and sent me on my way.

So, $632.66, two mechanics, and three mechanic visits later, I seem to have a behaving car. I had great plans to throw my upcoming economic stimulus check into my emergency fund savings account and hopefully get it halfway to goal, but now the check will be going to my next credit card bill, which will have this fun set of experiences on it. I get discouraged sometimes because I feel like every time I start to take a little baby step towards a goal of some kind, life punches me in the face and sends me reeling a few paces back. The important thing, though, is to shake it off and get back up... like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky, or a baby learning to walk.

It sure is nice to have a quiet car again. :D

Why is it funny? Oh, because it just is.

2008-04-17T11:57:00.001-05:00

So Tuesday morning I got a text from Matt saying his car wouldn't start. Oh, that sucks. It did this before a month or two ago and mysteriously healed itself. He got a ride to work with a friend and figured that he would replace the alternator that night. Okay.

On my way to Bible study that evening, I was driving along, wishing that my muffler weren't leaking, when all of a sudden there was a soft thunk sound and the roar got even louder, which I had theretofore not considered possible. I stopped to grab a hoagie at Subway and stuck my head under the car. You know that pipe that goes from your muffler to the car? Mine is only attached to the muffler now. The pipe is just hanging there, about 3 inches off of the road, rusted all to heck. Oh happy day.

The really fun part is that not only do I sound like a herd of Harley-Davidsons going down the road-- I can actually feel the unattached muffler bobbing and bouncing away back there.

Matt and I had a good time that night when I got home and told him the story. He hadn't been able to get any help that night to check the car, so it was still sitting there. I told him that if he needed me to go to Advance Auto Parts and pick up a part or something, I would be happy to do that. He laughed and said yeah, you're going to come roaring up into the parking lot and go in there and ask for a starter for an Altima? I said oh, I would just tell them that my boyfriend's car was in even worse shape than mine-- at least mine could still go. What a pair.

I slunk in to work the back way yesterday and parked in the far lot where some of the faculty leave their cars. Fortunately the shuttle van left just as I came into view, so there was nobody in the parking lot to hear and see me. I walked the rest of the distance to the actual campus-- it was a lovely day and I was wearing old sneakers and carrying my work shoes, so I didn't mind. Leaving last night was a little dicier-- I sat there and fiddled with my phone for a few minutes, waiting for a couple of people to leave before I turned the car on. I did end up following a couple of cars out, but maybe they didn't see who I was? :)

Matt got his car going last night. It turned out to be a bad battery, which he replaced. So one solved.

I have an appointment for the car tomorrow morning. It's out by Matt's, so he's going to pick me up at the garage and take me back to his place so I can hang out there instead of being stuck at the mechanic's all day. I'm actually looking forward to getting to hang out by myself and read and go for a walk in his cute little town in the warm spring sunshine tomorrow-- though I'm not at all excited about how much it's going to cost. I'm having them check my rear brakes, too-- I seem to remember them squeaking a little before the roar worsened.

I am REALLY looking forward to driving being a pleasant experience again. My car isn't a beater at all, but it's been kind of loud for so long that I've started to feel like it's a piece of junk. So last night I spent some time vacuuming it out and wiping down the interior with dusting/protectant cloths. It helps a lot!

Weekend wrap-up

2008-04-14T15:09:00.001-05:00

Quick stats:

Fish caught: 2
Hours spent drinking coffee and laughing with my grandparents: Approximately 4
Amount of Cheese Wow and Wheat Thins consumed: Vast
Pandas in pseudo-pornographic poses observed at Chinese buffet: 7
Times recovered coherence with my head in a nurse's lap and Matt holding my hand: 1

It was another busy weekend around here... Saturday was the first day of trout, but I had an appointment to have some blood work done that morning. I asked Matt to go with me because I am a big baby. The nurse drawing the blood was really good and it was over quickly, but she teased me a little about my being nervous and asked what I'm going to do when I get pregnant and have to get this done all of the time. I said I try not to think about that... or morning sickness... or labor. She laughed, I was done, and Matt and I went down to the other end of the cafeteria to grab me a muffin and some orange juice.

I was standing there, debating aloud whether I should get a muffin or an apple and discussing the virtues of orange juice versus coffee, when all of a sudden I felt nauseous and my ears went all fuzzy. I grabbed Matt to stay upright, and I remember being worried that I was squeezing my muffin into crumbs. I heard someone call "We need a nurse over here!" and then Matt was easing me down into a chair and somebody leaned me back into the lap of a lady who kept up a cheerful and comforting string of small-talk and made me feel much less embarrassed about the whole thing.

After a few minutes they helped me sit up, and then the nurse left and Matt and I sat there for a while longer while I worked on the squished muffin and an apple and some orange juice and a little coffee. I was really glad that he had come with me, after all-- it would have been much scarier and more embarrassing to be there alone, not to mention the fact that I would have probably gotten a big ol' goose egg on my head from smacking my head off of the floor with nobody there to catch me.

He had to work that afternoon, though, so he went home and I went to my grandparents'. Papa and I spent the afternoon fishing, and Papa caught two! We had a blast. I haven't been fishing in years. We were going to go last spring but Papa got a kidney stone and that sort of put an end to that for a season. I didn't fish a whole lot, actually; well, I fished a good bit, but I spent a lot of time just watching, too. I just like to be out as much as anything, and I really couldn't care less about whether we catch anything or not. Papa's so good-- he can look up and down a creek and point to the spots where the fish are going to be lying, and he can tell when they're spooked by heavy fishing but still going for bugs on the surface, so a spinner would be better than bait... I mean, I guess I don't exactly suck really badly (I can spot most holes), but there's still so much to learn.

Matt and I went to see Leatherheads later that night, which was fun. I smelled like fish and looked like crap, but he's such a nice boy that he didn't seem to care. We got our tickets and were both hungry but also stingy, so we ran next door to Dick's Sporting Goods and got cheap candy to smuggle into the theater in our pockets instead of paying concession-stand prices. :D The movie was fun-- I would definitely recommend it. George Clooney and Renee Zellweger are fantastic.

We were lazy yesterday after church and just sat around reading the paper and The Ragamuffin Gospel and eating generic Cheez Whiz on crackers. He explained the seed and bracket system for the NHL yet again. He also attempted to convince me that there is strategy and logic behind hockey fights. We played with the cat. We went to a Chinese buffet for dinner and I made the horrifying discovery that he does not add "in bed" after his fortune cookie fortunes. I knew we were due to hit a major road bump somewhere in our relationship soon...

Rah, rah, go, me!

2008-04-10T12:15:00.001-05:00

I went running on the trail again yesterday. I discovered why I was so wiped out on Monday-- I thought that I had run about four miles. It turns out that I actually must have done at LEAST 5, and probably more like 5 1/2, because yesterday I ran a little over 4.5 and didn’t’ go nearly as far before turning around (I paid attention to the marker posts this time). Go, me!

I finally got my act together and made an ICE ID tag at Wal-Mart. I laced it onto my shoe and tucked it under the laces so it doesn’t flap around. Of course, after I get my blood work done on Saturday, I will hopefully know my blood type, so I may want to make a new one then with that information. I also got a stopwatch to help me with the timing, since on the trail I pay more attention to time and not as much to distance (I tend to try to run at an unsustainably fast pace if I go by distance and the treadmill’s not determining my speed for me). At times I had to close my eyes for several paces to get back into the proper rhythm; for some reason I unconsciously speed up when I see that trail stretching away straight ahead of me. Anyway, it went much better, and I just feel like I have achieved something when I get back to the car. :)

In other news, I got my quarterly report on my retirement portfolio yesterday (doesn’t that sound prestigious and adult?) and did some math. I discovered that I am slightly ahead of my prediction from a few months ago-- my net worth is ever-so-slightly ABOVE zero. It’s a little achievement, but I am a big believer in celebrating baby steps.

I’m beginning to get disenchanted with the whole blog format. I think I’m going to try to follow Matt’s good example and get back to doing more old-fashioned journalling. A lot has been happening lately, but most of it is stuff that I’m just not going to put up on the internet-- even for just my friends to view. Once you put something online, you have really lost control of it.

This was driven home to me a month or two ago when something I put on Facebook became the topic of discussion at an extended-family gathering when I was not present. I didn’t mind them knowing, but one of my cousins innocently mentioned something he’d seen on my profile and the aunts and uncles pounced on it. It was a vivid reminder that you don’t know how something can get passed around once you put it out there. So I’m not going to talk about stuff that happens at work, except in the vaguest manner. I’m not going to talk about relationship difficulties (not relationship-with-Matt-- I mean the broader sense of "relationship"). And that eliminates most of the meaningful and changing stuff in my life.

Wonders of the electronic age

2008-03-27T20:39:00.000-05:00

I finally got my converter box for my TV. Radio Shack only had one model, which I got. It unfortunately lacks the pass-through feature which would have allowed me to continue watching my four analog channels in addition to any new digital ones-- this means that I can unplug the converter box and watch the old channels or I can plug it in and watch the new ones, but not both at one time. I was optimistic that I was going to gain a bunch of new channels, but that unfortunately has not proven to be the case. The box picked up six digital channels. Okay, I thought, six is good. Six is more watchable channels than I have currently. Sadly, however, only two of them turn out to be strong enough for me to actually watch. One is Johnstown’s Fox, which is one of my most reliable channels the old-fashioned way (do not ask me to explain how I can pull that in but not Pittsburgh’s Fox, which is much closer), and the other is ABC. My analog ABC has a beautiful picture but horrible sound, so I am attempting to be optimistic and to call it a net gain of one channel. Of course, I can get Fox anyway and don’t watch ABC much, and I was losing my other channels, so I unplugged the box and it now sits there holding up my bunny ears (you do still need an antenna to use the converter box, btw. It’s not a replacement like I thought). I am hoping that the other channels switch over soon and that they are strong enough for me to pick up. I am hoping that more people decide to start making TV channels, too. But I’m not as optimistic as I was. Oh, well. I will not be totally benighted in February 2008. I will still be able to get a weather forecast. And That 70’s Show.

In other vaguely vexing electronics news, Matt’s phone mysteriously refuses to charge. Initially he thought it was a phone issue, but after borrowing a charging cable from a friend at work with the same model (the LG enV, in case you’re looking for models to avoid), he determined that it is more likely his charger that has gone bad. Of course, by the time he narrowed it down to that, he had already talked to a Verizon person who had arranged for a replacement phone to be sent to his house. I guess this is one instance where paying the extra $5 a month for insurance may actually work out for the best... if they send a new charge cable with that new phone! But basically what this means is that we’ve barely heard from each other all week, since we are both busy and he doesn’t really have the internet. So boo. Oh, and he just texted me the happy news that he’s going to have to work a lot of this weekend. So double boo. Boo-hoo? And sigh.

The kitty, fortunately, still requires neither a signal nor a network nor a power cable, and he is purring happily in my lap. :) You just can’t replace the tried-and-true pleasures of life...

Friday afternoon high

2008-03-14T14:37:00.002-05:00

I just finished teaching a class that went really well. It was for one of my favorite professors, and it was a new presentation that I had cobbled together with some topic suggestions from him and a couple that had seemed to me to fit with them well. I’d worked up the Power Point from the example of one that our systems librarian had done.

I had fun teaching it; it was a blessed change from the same ol’, same ol’ slide show that I do most of the time. I thought the kids were going to resent being stuck here on the Friday afternoon before spring break, but they were involved and TOOK NOTES and asked questions. It was great. The professor stopped in on his way out to rave about it, and fortunately my boss was going by, so the professor stopped him and raved about me to my boss, who asked him to send an email about it to the provost (we’re always looking for a chance to get a positive word about the library into her ear). So that freakin’ rocked.

I managed to fill a rush journal interlibrary loan request this morning; I had kind of forgotten how to do those, but our periodicals librarian doens’t work on Fridays and this guy really needed it and was out of other options, so I managed to figure out the process and even trouble-shoot it when it didn’t go smoothly. I just got a nice thank-you email from that librarian.

And in an hour and a half I get to go home and load some stuff in my car and then I get to go out to Matt’s for the inaugural meal at his new apartment (not sure what he intends to make, seeing as how he has no dishes, no pots except for a big skillet, and no microwave). I’m taking the awesome floor lamp I found at Goodwill and the really nice saucepan I found at Gabe’s and some miscellaneous little things for decorating. And it’ll be good.

Friday afternoon high

2008-03-14T14:37:00.000-05:00

Futons and Xerox machines

2008-03-10T17:03:00.001-05:00

Wow. I never post anymore. I hope that's not a huge sigh of relief I hear...

Life has been pleasantly busy lately. I feel like Matt has taken it over, but I like that. I just don't want to turn into one of those girls who has nothing to talk about besides her boyfriend. I find it annoying and vaguely pathetic in other people. I think in my case it's just that we only get to see each other on weekends, and weekends are the only portion of my week that really varies much. This particular weekend, Matt signed a lease for his very own apartment. We're both excited-- he mainly because he's never had a place to himself before, and I because he told me that I get free rein in the kitchen and living room as far as decorating goes (he did retain veto power, of course). I really like the place and think it's going to work out great for him.

We visited his mom on Saturday, which was good, and then Sunday after church we did some basics shopping and went out to the new apartment to work on cleaning and the first wave of moving stuff. One of his buddies from work had a really nice wooden futon that he and his wife were happy to part with, so the guys got that set up in the living room. I cleaned the bathroom and got it ready to go-- I covered the window in the shower (!) with translucent plastic, hung the shower curtain, and put out the bath mat and a hand towel. It's looking good. We got what kitchen stuff he has so far washed and put away, too, and we put up my card table and chairs in a corner of the living room (I told him it's incentive to not break up with me-- if he does, I get those back).

I'll feel better when we get him some dishes and a microwave, but other than that, the place is already coming together really well. It was really fun, but I'm still kinda tired today. Scrubbing scummy baseboards with 409 and a rag will wear you out! It's going to be a long night at work, too, since NEITHER of the copy machines is working and everyone is going to expect me to be able to majik more toner into the one and get the other one to fully power on, which it stubbornly refuses to do.

Pretty libraries! (article/slideshow of interest)

2008-03-02T14:07:00.001-05:00

Check out these gorgeous libraries. I especially like the shot from the one in Denver.

http://www.slate.com/id/2184927/?GT1=38001

Don't close us down yet! People are drowning in information that they can't navigate, locate, or evaluate! :)

Oh dear

2008-02-29T15:45:00.001-05:00

It is snowing outside-- again. A lot. It's going to be March tomorrow, but March is the month that we usually get our worst weather around here. I'm hoping that we get a relatively painless month that goes quickly and lets us just get on with April. April's still not spring, mind you, but it's not really winter anymore, either. March is definitely winter.

I have been doing a lot of probably unnecessary thinking/worrying about "the recession" lately. It seems like the high cost of everything going still farther up is all that I hear about anymore. It is worrying to me because, while I'm not in financial trouble or anything, I'm not exactly living a cushy lifestyle with tons of frills to cut and I'm not exactly rolling around in my piles of cash like Scrooge McDuck. If things get lots worse, I'm not quite sure where I'd start cutting. Clothes, obviously, but after that? Dunno. I am attempting to focus on the positives-- my tax refund and the upcoming tax rebate should help to get my emergency fund a lot closer to where it needs to be. That is very encouraging.

I have also decided to enroll in a business class here in the fall. While going for an MBA sounds like about as much fun as being pelted with handfuls of small rocks, "MBA" also sounds like a really smart thing to be able to tack on after my name and the "MLS". I'm not into the whole publishing thing and it's not a good idea to look like dead weight when you're an academic librarian, so naturally, I think about taking classes.

The MBA is the most useful-sounding graduate degree offered here, and it's a very flexible degree, too, which appeals to me. It would be applicable in my job here and it would probably help me in my personal life to learn more about business practices. And it would look awesome on a resume in the event I needed to find employment elsewhere at some point (I love it here, but let's be real-- I'm 24, and odds are not high that I'm not going to be retiring out of this job 40 years from now). Principles of Accounting I, offered in the fall, is the first baby step towards qualifying for the MBA program (there are two other undergrad classes I would have to take after that, so the earliest I could qualify for the graduate program would be the spring '09 semester... yeeks!). I have decided to take it one baby step at a time and see how it goes. Even just a couple of business classes would probably be good to have under my belt, and it seems stupid to not take advantage of free tuition (well, I get taxed on it as income and I have to pay the $100 technology fee per semester, but it's still insanely cheap). So we'll see how it goes.

In other news, I am somewhat nonplussed to realize that I have lost 3 more pounds SINCE QUITTING MY DIET. I can just feel the sympathy radiating from everyone reading this, but, um... it really wouldn't be a great thing for this to continue. I plugged my numbers into a BMI calculator and, while I'm still in the "normal" range right now, if I lose two more pounds, I'll be into the "underweight" range (a pound or two is a big deal when you're this short and small-boned). I know the BMI is a bunch of bunk, but still. I feel fine and I think I look fine, but I don't need to lose any more weight. I gave up dessert-type food and candy for Lent, and that wouldn't be the healthiest way to solve my problem, anyway. I refuse to stop exercising. So I guess I'm going to stop on the way home and buy some trail mix or something.

I wanna go to Florida!

2008-02-18T16:52:00.000-05:00

Hooray for Mondays.

I don't really mind Mondays. I like them, actually. What I don't like is the end of the weekend (my weekends have been very good lately) and the fact that Tuesdays suck so much. I won't spend any appreciable time in my apartment until tomorrow at 9:00, when I will have an hour to decompress and pack a lunch for Wednesday before showering and going to bed. I swear that when this Bible study is finally over in May, I will not sign up for ANYTHING else on Tuesday nights. Any other night of the week is one thing. But not Tuesdays.

Anyway. My weekend was, as I mentioned, very nice. My next-door neighbor had a friend come for a visit, so things were a little louder than I would have liked, but I solved that problem by spending most of the time with Matt at the place he's house-sitting this week. We took the dog for a long walk and took advantage of the satellite TV, the pool table, and the bag of Chex Mix I'd brought with me. It was beautiful and SILENT. Some people would pay mucho bucks for a weekend getaway at a country cabin with half the amenities... we got to hang out in a gorgeous house with beautiful views for free. :) (Note: yes, he did have permission to have me there, use the TV, eat the food, etc.) It was so wonderful to just be away from the city noise and other people.

I am a bit grumpy today, though, because the weather once again is lousy. It's dreary grey out there with flurries swirling around. I checked the 10-day forecast and basically we are in for a week and a half of this cold, dreary weather with no breaks. Add to this that my grandparents, one of Matt's housemates, and the people who owned that gorgeous place he's watching are all going to Florida this week, and I am feeling sorry for myself. Why aren't I going to Florida?! I have friends in Florida. I have relatives in Florida. But... I don't have frequent-flier miles or a large sum in the bank, so I am sitting here in cold, snowy PA. Also, I may need those vacation days for weddings later in the year.

In good news, I got a couple of good deals at Rite-Aid on my way to work today. :)